If it is true that every young women dreams of her wedding day it is equally true that every young man dreams of his wedding night. But we as men sometimes overrate what we think we know about sex. We also fail to recognize the deeper truths about sex.
I know as a man you want to jump right to the technical details of sex but before you do that you must understand some very important Biblical principles regarding sex in marriage.
6 Biblical Principles about Sex in Marriage
Sex is a right and a responsibility in marriage
“3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” – I Corinthians 7:3-4 (KJV)
In marriage your body belongs to your wife for the purposes of having sex. Verse 3 of I Corinthians 7 shows that you as a husband have the duty to GIVE your body to your wife for sex. Verse 5 shows that your wife has the right to USE your body for sex when she desires it. If you are like the vast majority of men you are saying “Awesome! My wife can use my body for sex anytime she wants!” But there is more to this then her just wanting sex and you giving her sex. It means you use your body not just to get the pleasure you desire from your wife – but to give her pleasure as well.
Sex is not just for husbands it is also for wives!
A lot of women (Christian and non-Christian alike) think sex is only for men. That could not be further from the truth Biblically speaking. In I Corinthians 7:3-4 we see that God tells not only wives but also husbands to render their bodies to their wives for sex. God not only tells husbands they have power to use their wives body for sex but he also tells women they have the power to use their husband’s body for sex. God would not have said that if sex was only for men.
Sex is a need not a want
Sex is a psychological and physiological need in marriage. Some say “sex is a want because no one ever died from not having sex”. But here is the truth. While no one ever died from not having sex – many marriages have died from lack of sex! This is why the Bible compares sex to food and clothing (things that we would agree are necessities).
“10 If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish.
11 And if he do not these three unto her, then shall she go out free without money.” – Exodus 21:10-11 (KJV)
The phrase “duty of marriage” literally refers to right of sex in marriage. While couples often sin against each other in many ways some sins God considers grave enough to break a marriage and sexual defraudment is one of them.
Men you understand that sex is a need much more than your wife probably ever will. But you must find ways to help gently convince her of this Biblical and biological truth. God wants there to be both physical and emotional intimacy in marriage. He has given men a strong desire for physical intimacy and women a strong desire for emotional intimacy to accomplish his purposes.
Sex is not just for making babies – it is for pleasure as well!
The entire book of the Song of Solomon is about the physical pleasures of sex. Don’t ever say to your wife as many wives have about your breasts “these are for babies not for you”. That is so WRONG! If God had meant for your breasts to only be for babies then you would be like all other mammals who breasts shrink inside their bodies when not needed for nursing children.
Let me be blunt – you breasts and vagina are only temporarily used for bearing your children and feeding them. The rest of your life God gave them to your husband for his use – for his pleasure.
“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.” – Song of Solomon 1:2 (KJV)
“7 This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.
8 I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples;
9 And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak.” – Song of Solomon 7:7-9 (KJV)
God tells your husband to come to you as his wife and for him to be ravished by your body and your love knowing his sex drive will often be stronger than yours. Ravishing your husband is not an option in marriage – it is a requirement!
“18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.
19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.” – Proverbs 18-19 (KJV)
The Bible recognizes the polygynous nature of men and so must you
God created men with a capacity for polygyny. Polygyny is more specific than polygamy. Polygamy simply refers to a person (man or woman) having more than one spouse. Polygyny is a specific form of polygamy referring to a man having more than one wife.
The Bible shows that God regulated and allowed polygamy in several passages(Exodus 21:10-11, Deuteronomy 21:15) and that he told David when he committed adultery with Uriah’s wife Bathsheba that he gave him(King David) many wives and would have given him more(II Samuel 12:8). God pictures himself a polygynous husband to two wives (Judah and Israel) in Ezekiel 23:1-7.
This may be hard for you to accept for two reasons. One is that you have been told your whole life that God meant you to desire and love only one woman. So even if you have found yourself finding other women attractive after being engaged to your bride you probably condemned yourself for doing this. But I am here to tell you that while God designed women to be monogamous both in their bodies and their minds this is not how he designed you as a man.
The second reason you may reject that you have a polygynous nature is because of how you feel about your fiancé. Right now she may be the only woman you think of. But I promise you my friend that a certain point after you are married you will look at and think of other women sexually.
Most Christian teachers will try and convince you that your attraction and desire toward multiple women is part of your sin nature, not your God given male nature but the examples I have shown you from the Scriptures show otherwise. Some people will tell you things like “God created one man and one woman in the garden of Eden, not one man and multiple women therefore God’s original design for marriage was monogamy for both men and women”. But if God meant for men to have only one wife then was sibling marriage (what would later be called incest) also a part of his original design as well? Remember in the beginning brothers and sisters had to marry one another. The point is that just as brother/sister marriage was temporary in the beginning of God’s creation so too was monogamous marriage for men.
My point in all this is there is overwhelming Biblical evidence that God allowed, regulated and gave men multiple wives in the Bible. He even pictured himself as polygamist husband in one prophecy. This means that man’s polygynous desires are not a part of his sin nature from the fall but are in fact part of his original design by God before the fall.
Am I saying you need to go and out find multiple wives? Of course not. After the Roman Empire outlawed polygamy the Western world became a monogamous only marriage culture. Our nation’s laws follow that Roman tradition and monogamy is well ingrained in our culture. For these reasons it is impractical for most men in our world today to practice polygamy even though God allows it and has design men with polygynous desires.
What is the point of all this talk of men having polygynous natures if they cannot act on them? The point is that if you suppress these desires or tell yourself they are wrong it will only end up bubbling to the surface and may cause you to act out in sinful ways. Instead you must fully recognize and accept that this is a part of your nature as man and you must channel in ways that do not violate God’s law. This means that you can recognize your attraction to other women and enjoy it! You simply cannot physically act on that desire with other women. You need to realize the only woman you can have sex with is the woman you have married. You can enjoy thoughts of other women, but you may not enjoy physically having sex with other women. If you do have sex with other women outside of marriage you are what the Bible calls a “whoremonger”. This is a sin against God.
“15 Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid.
16 What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.” – I Corinthians 6:15-16 (KJV)
You will find other women attractive and desirable after you are married and there is no sin in that. You may even have sexual fantasies about other women other than your wife and there is no sin that. It is not lust (contrary to incorrect interpretations of Matthew 5:28). Lust is when you covet a woman, it is not simply finding her desirable. Lust is when you desire to unlawfully have sex with a woman – when you desire to have sex with her outside of marriage.
See the lust category on this site for many articles on this subject of lust.
Sex is about far more than vaginal intercourse
Many wives think they are fulfilling their duty to have sex with their husbands if they simply spread their legs and let their husband have intercourse with them. Most of us men know that sex is about a lot more than that. If you don’t know that then you need to understand that it is.
Sex is about more than having romantic feelings and jumping in bed with your wife, kissing her, embracing her and then moving to vaginal intercourse. It is about knowing one another’s bodies. It is about savoring and enjoying the sight, taste and smell of one another’s bodies. It is about pleasuring one another in every way possible that does not violate God’s Word.
In the Song of Solomon we read about a woman longing to perform oral sex on her husband:
“As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.” – Song of Solomon 2:3 (KJV)
The apple tree in ancient Middle Eastern culture was often used as a symbol of a man’s penis and this symbolism would have been understood as referring to a woman performing oral sex on her husband. Notice that not only does the wife of Song of Solomon talk about performing oral sex on her husband – but she did it with great delight! Christian women need to cultivate a desire to know every part of their husband’s body and take an active part in sex and not just a passive part.
In the Song of Solomon we also read about a man desiring to perform oral sex on his wife:
“5 Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.
6 Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, I will get me to the mountain of myrrh, and to the hill of frankincense.” – Song of Solomon 4:5-6 (KJV)
The “mountain of myrrh” and “the hill of frankincense” of refers to a woman’s pubic mound and more specifically to her vulva and vagina. This is basically saying this man longs to touch his wife’s breasts and perform oral sex on her all night long. The scent and taste of her vulva and vagina are intoxicating to him.
In the Song of Solomon we read about a woman desiring her husband to perform oral sex on her:
“Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.” – Song of Solomon 4:16 (KJV)
“I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate.” – Song of Solomon 8:2 (KJV)
So as we can see from the Scriptures sex is about far more than just vaginal intercourse. It is about fully knowing and enjoying one another’s bodies.
Now that we have established clear Biblical principles for you as a Christian husband to understand sex from God’s viewpoint now we will get into specific things you need to know about having sex with your wife.
12 Things Every Christian Husband Needs to Know about Sex
Do NOT wait until the day after your wedding to have sex for the first time
Don’t follow this craze of people who think is ok to wait till the next day. It is a sad fact and I see this advice to couples online all the time that maybe it is a better idea to wait till the day after the wedding to have sex for the first time because of all the stress of the wedding and the reception.
Don’t let the fact that you or your new bride are tired keep you from this sacred trust that God has given you. Remember God gave you as a man the stronger desire for physical intimacy in marriage and he expects you to act on that desire. It is not unloving for you to desire sex with your wife on your wedding night even if she is tired from the wedding and reception.
The act of marriage is not just the wedding vows you took in that Church but it is act of becoming “one flesh” in bed. You have not consummated your marriage until you have had sex – period.
Gentlemen let me share a historical fact that most people in our time do not know about marriage. We say it is bad luck for a groom to see his bride before the wedding ceremony but in Biblical times a man had sex with his bride before the ceremony and the wedding feast! The man and women would come at an agreed time before the ceremonies and reception and they would have sex in a room (or tent) with family witnesses outside the tent. The witnesses were there both to verify that the act of marriage had occurred and that the woman was a virgin (if she claimed to be) and she would bring out a bloody cloth to prove her virginity.
The reason that the sex occurred before the vows and the reception is because the man in most cases needed to verify the virginity of his bride. If he found that she was not a virgin there would be no point in having the wedding vows or the reception because the wedding was off! In fact he could have had her executed if she lied about her virginity.
So there was no way you would be “too tired” after the wedding reception to have sex because you already had sex before the reception!
Today we literally have the marriage ceremony backwards from what it once was.
If you and your wife choose to go off to a hotel the day before your wedding and privately make your vows between you and God and then have sex for the first time before the stress of the public wedding ceremony that is perfectly fine! There is no sin in that. Just remember that your vows are binding before God even if they are not binding by the laws of men. Marriage is between God, you and your wife. State marriage licenses are a relatively new thing and really the government has no place in marriage as it is God’s institution and not man’s institution. Marriage licenses are actually an overreach of the authority God has given the government.
Don’t set high expectations for your first time having sex with your wife
Christian husband realize that your first sexual experience may not be this magical moment that you have imagined for years. In most cases it is quick and bloody. If this is the first time having sex for both you and your wife you may only last 30 seconds having intercourse with her. You may even ejaculate before breaking your wife’s hymen!
Patience is the key. You both have to be patient with one another. Also realize that you as a young man can have sex multiple times on your wedding night. So even if you are really quick the first time there will be the second time and possibly even a third time to try it again that evening.
Accept the fact that your wife may not have orgasms through vaginal intercourse
Your wife may never have an orgasm through vaginal intercourse with you. On the other hand, she might have orgasms through vaginal intercourse when you first start having sex and then perhaps weeks or months later she will stop having orgasms from vaginal intercourse.
When this happens this can be very frustrating for young grooms and brides. You as a man may feel like a failure for not being able to give your wife orgasms through vaginal intercourse like you once did and the your wife probably feels frustrated believing there is something wrong with her body.
If this happens to you realize there is nothing wrong with you or your wife’s body. It may have nothing to do with your sexual technique. The reason your wife had orgasms through vaginal intercourse in the beginning was because sex with you was brand new for her.
Two things happen once you and your wife get used to sex with one another. You can hold out longer because you are used to the sensations of your wife’s vagina against your penis. But your wife has also gotten used to the sensations of your penis in her vagina so that newness and excitement no longer exists.
Many women rarely if ever have orgasms through vaginal intercourse. If this happens to your wife as it does most women, you will need to manually stimulate her clitoris, vagina and breasts. You may need to perform oral sex on her in order for her to climax. This is OK – this is completely normal. Just make sure you follow her lead on this and both of you need to have a great deal of patience with each other. Relax and enjoy one another.
It is OK to masturbate
Christian groom – it is ok to masturbate both in your wife’s presence and in private. Sometimes your wife might be sick or not able to have sex for other medical reasons. Please see my post “Why do married men masturbate” for more on this subject.
It is OK to for her to fake it
There are going to be times when your wife is just not emotionally there. It is a good and noble thing for a woman to fake it during these times. As a husband who loves his wife you want to please her sexually. You want to satisfy her. It is built into your nature as a man to desire to feel your wife is sexually satisfied.
But you need to realize that your wife is different than you. As a woman her sex drive is very much connected to her emotions. You can do all the right physical techniques but if her mind is on other things or she had a bad day or she just does not feel like having sex those techniques will not work no matter how hard you try.
You will only cause problems by pushing her to have an orgasm each and every time and you will stress her out by asking for score cards each time after sex. Just enjoy sex with your wife and do your best to watch for her signals if she wants you to do something different. Don’t tell her not to fake it. If you know she faked it then LOVE her for it. Love her for wanting to please you even though she was not in the mood.
Realize that you will probably need sex more often than she does
Both women and men desire sex and that is why as we previously mentioned the Bible gives both the husband and the wife the right to have sexual access to their spouse’s body.
A lot of women don’t know what their real sex drive will be like until several months after the marriage begins. It is very normal for a woman on her honeymoon to want sex as often or in some cases even more than her husband.
It is because her sex drive is more emotionally based than physically based. After the wedding and throughout the honeymoon and perhaps even for the first few months of marriage her emotions are running sky high. Because of the emotional high she is riding her sex drive is riding high along with it. The excitement of your new marriage may make her want to have sex all the time with you.
But eventually she will come down off that emotional high and her sex drive will settle in. And the fact is for most women once the newness of the marriage wears off their sex drive drops significantly. It does not mean a woman never wants sex anymore, but many women will want sex significantly less.
But because your sex drive as a man is more physically based than emotionally based your desire for sex in most cases will NOT diminish even months into the marriage. In fact you may even come to desire sex more often!
Most men have 10 times more testosterone flowing through their bodies as well as the physical need to release their semen every 48 to 72 hours and a wife should realize her husband is going to want to have sex A LOT more than she will.
As her husband and the spiritual leader of your home you need to set the pattern for sex right in the beginning. Yes be considerate of your wife if she is having legitimate physical issues then be gracious and allow her to give you a rain check. But do not allow your wife to set a pattern of sex in your marriage where she only has to have sex with you when she feels like it. If you allow this habit to form it will be very hard to change her behavior in this area later in your marriage.
Does God require that you romance your wife each time before you have sex?
No sir he does not. God has made you different than your wife. Sometimes you will just want to have sex. No talking is needed before the event. It is ok to approach your wife for sex without going through some long drawn out series of romantic gestures. Now should you try to be romantic sometimes? Absolutely. Show your wife affection and try and talk to her and make her feel desired before you go to initiate sex with her as often as you can.
Sex is not a passive sport but rather it requires active participation
As men we want to put our hands all over our wives bodies but sometimes women need to be gently taught by their husbands that sex requires active rather than passive participation.
The basic rule is that her hands should always be touching your body in the same way your hands are always touching her body. Some women fall into a bad habit of just lying there with their hands at their side. You need to make sure you do not allow this habit to form and continue. Gently put her hands on your body. You may need to have a conversation with her outside the bedroom if it continues.
There are some exceptions to this rule. On exception to this “hand rule” would be if you were having sex in a position where her hands needed to be used to support her body like in rear entry (doggy style) sex. Another exception might be if she is masturbating as part of sex with you. But her hands should always be active – they should never just be at her side.
Seeing her body is part of sexual foreplay for you as a man
Sex in the dark is ok if you woke up in the middle of the night and decided to have sex. But other than that you need to see your wife’s body as part of the full sexual experience. You need her to wear lingerie on a regular basis. Many women not long after being married get lazy and stop wearing lingerie and visually arousing their husband – don’t allow your wife to do that!
Her beauty and not just her body is a gift of God to you as her husband. She needs to dress as you would have her dress. Obviously you need to gently talk to her about this. You should talk about what you believe as her spiritual head is appropriate for her to wear in public and what you wants her to wear in private. This is actually something couples need to talk about prior to marriage to make sure they agree on what is acceptable clothing and what is not.
Make sure she allows you to see her undress – and yes it is perfectly fine if it arouses you to want to have sex with her.
Be patient with your wife about oral sex
You know you would love for your wife to perform oral sex on your and if you like most men you will want to perform oral sex on her. But many women struggle with oral sex and you need to be patient with your wife on this issue.
But being patient about oral sex and giving up on it are two different things. Don’t let the issue slide. If you do you may wake up one day and realize you and your wife and not performed oral sex in months and this should not happen.
Oral sex is a very intimate act and many women can’t have orgasms without it and the truth is a man giving his wife oral sex is VERY arousing for him as well. For you as a man there is probably no greater act of sacrificial love than for your wife to perform sacrificial oral sex on you expecting nothing in return.
What if my wife refuses to give me oral sex or to let me perform oral sex on her?
A lot of Christian books tell men not to expect oral sex from their wives. Basically if it happens they should consider it a bonus. But this is not Biblically right. A man can expect that his wife will fully dedicate herself to the task of pleasing him sexually and this is NOT selfishness on your part as a man. Is it selfishness on the part of a woman to want her husband to tell her she is beautiful or do things like buying her flowers? No. We as men and women desire these different things from our spouses and this is not selfishness.
So if your wife is apprehensive about oral sex you first need to talk to her gently about it. Perhaps several times over several months have some friendly reminders about it. But If she steadfastly refuses to perform oral sex than perhaps you might pull back on some romantic gestures that she likes.
I think one of the key things men can use in this area is flowers. 90% of women love getting flowers from their husbands. Most new husbands buy their wives flowers on a regular basis and this is a good thing for any marriage. But maybe if you pull back on the flowers it will get her attention. Tell her in the same way those flowers make her feel loved so too oral sex from her would make you feel that she loves you.
Teach your wife that your affection for her is directly affected by your sex life
Notice I said “affection”, not your unconditional love. When Ephesians 5:25-29 tells husbands to love their wives this is an unconditional type of love. God wants you to show your wife unconditional love by leading her, providing for her and protecting her. He wants you to unconditionally be kind to her and forgive her when she sins against you. But this unconditional love is not the same as affection. Affection is a different kind of love which is very conditional on what your wife does.
Contrary to the popular statement that “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” we as men know that the way to our hearts is actually through our sexuality. This is not the way to a woman’s heart so this entire concept is foreign to many women, but we as men know this to be true.
Certainly we want more than sex from our wives. We also want respect and we want companionship. But all those other things our wife does will mean very little to us if she is cold to us in the bedroom. Realize this about yourself as a man – accept and embrace how your nature works.
I can illustrate this very easily. If you were going to have a romantic evening planned for your wife which one would be the better choice – to get naked and lay on the couch for her or make her a romantic candle light dinner? I think we know the answer as men what would be more romantic to our wives. But to us what would be more romantic? A candle light dinner from our wife or her meeting us at the door naked? Again if we are honest with ourselves we know the answer.
The unfortunate truth is that while most men would never dream of meeting their wives at the door naked as a romantic gesture toward her many women will try to romance their husbands in ways that are romantic to them as women. Women often have to be taught gently how to romance their husbands.
I hope you will take all these Biblical principles and other tips and lead your wife in the marriage God would have you to have. Marriage is hard work and no sex will not always be perfect. But a good sex life should always be the continual goal of every Christian husband and wife.
There is only one thing left to know about sex and that is sex positions! Check out our sex positions page here.