Is Phone sex and sexting a sin for a Christian?

Is it wrong for a Christians to engage in phone sex or sexting? What does the Word of God say about Phone sex and sexting?

What is Phone sex?

Before we can determine if Phone sex is a sin for a Christian we need to first define what it is.

Webster’s Online dictionary defines Phone sex as:

“a conversation held over the telephone in which people describe sex acts to one another for sexual pleasure”

Examples of Phone sex would be people calling each other on the phone making sexual sounds and describing sexual actions in order to arouse one another.

Another way of defining phone sex would be live sexual communication (verbal or texting (sexting)) over a phone between two persons for the purposes of sexual arousal and/or orgasm.

Before we can understand whether phone sex violates God’s Word we need to see why God created sex and what his rules and purposes for it were.

Six principles about God’s purposes for sex

Biblical Sex Principle #1 – Sex is only allowed between a man and a woman

“For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness; Because that which may be known of God is manifest in them; for God hath shewed it unto them…

For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.” – Romans 1:18-19 & 26-27 (KJV)

Biblical Sex Principle #2 – Sex is allowed only in Marriage

“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.” – Hebrews 13:4 (KJV)

Biblical Sex Principle #3 – Sexual foreplay is allowed only in Marriage

“Son of man, there were two women, the daughters of one mother; and they played the harlot in Egypt. They played the harlot in their youth; there their breasts were pressed and there their virgin bosom was handled.” – Ezekiel 23:2-3(NASB)

Biblical Sex Principle #4 – Sex is not only allowed in marriage, it is also required

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” – I Corinthians 7:3-5(KJV)

Biblical Sex Principle #5 – Sex in marriage is given us to us as a gift for our pleasure and comfort

“Even by the God of thy father, who shall help thee; and by the Almighty, who shall bless thee with blessings of heaven above, blessings of the deep that lieth under, blessings of the breasts, and of the womb:” – Genesis 49:25

“Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.” – Proverbs 5:18-19 (KJV)

“And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.” – Genesis 24:67(KJV)

“How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince’s daughter! the joints of thy thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman. Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor: thy belly is like an heap of wheat set about with lilies… This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes. I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof…” – Song of Solomon 7:1-2 & 7-8 (KJV)

Biblical Sex Principle #6 – Sex in marriage is not only given to us for pleasure, but also for procreation

“And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply…” – Genesis 1:28 (KJV)

Sexuality vs Sex

A key distinction to understand is the difference between Sex and Sexuality.

Sex is the act of two persons mentally and/or physically sexually arousing one another usually culminating in an orgasm by one or both persons. But sex can be had sometimes with no orgasm from either person (e.g. when a couple has to stop having sex before orgasm – maybe because they get interrupted by kids.).

When we refer to a person’s sexuality, we are talking about a person’s ability to be aroused by thoughts of sex, smells of sex, the sight of other persons or the touch of other persons and the ability to feel pleasure in certain erogenous zones of one’s body as well as experience an orgasm.

While God limits the exercise of sex to be only within the bounds of marriage, he places no such bounds on sexuality itself.

In other words – a young teenage boy or girl do not have to be ashamed of the fact that they can become sexually aroused many years before they might get married.

One note on the issue of sexual arousal. Because we are sinful and have corrupted natures it is possible for some teenagers to be aroused and attracted sexually to the same sex. Without getting into the larger topic of homosexuality – Christian teens should not entertain or allow these thoughts as they are a corruption of God’s pure design of sexuality. If a teen continues to struggle with this, they should tell their parents so that they can get into a Christian counseling program that works with individuals that are tempted by homosexuality.

Having said that – if a teen is experiencing normal heterosexual arousal this should not be shamed, but rather encouraged by parents.

This the fine line that Christian parents must walk. Christian parents must not present sex as some dirty thing, or something not to be talked about. They ought not to teach their teens that they must repress their sexuality until marriage. But instead, Christian parents need to help their teens channel their sexuality in healthy ways.

They need to teach their children that while sex is reserved for marriage(including all sexual touching, oral and intercourse) this does not mean that their sexuality must be repressed until they are married. A teenage boy should be free to express how he feels about certain women that he finds attractive and why he finds them attractive. The same goes for a teenage girl in why she finds certain men attractive.

Of course parents need to teach their children about the appropriate times and places for sexual talk, as well as boundaries of language that are in good taste. For instance it is normal and healthy for teenage boys to discuss girls they find attractive and for teenage girls to discuss boys they find attractive. Usually the teenage boy conversation will be more about physical attributes of girls, while the teenage girl conversations might be much less physical. Teenage boys should be taught how to be gentlemen and not gawk at girls or make lewd and suggestive comments to girls. The same should be taught to teenage girls.

As part of our human sexuality that God has gifted us with, he has given human beings the ability to act on their sexual arousal or sexual tension that builds up with the gift of masturbation. This gift of masturbation is helpful in many ways. It can help teenagers to learn about their bodies and prepare them to have better sex lives in their future marriages. It can also help with adults who have not yet found the person they will marry, or even with engaged couples that are trying to remain sexually pure for marriage.

Masturbation is a lengthy topic so I will refer you to some other posts where I have gone through the Scriptures on this topic. But the fact remains, no in Scripture does God forbid masturbation, in fact in the Old Testament he regulated the cleanup of masturbation in the cleanliness laws he gave to Israel.

Can masturbation be abused – Yes and I reference in this several of my posts. Just like people can abuse their nature God given hunger for food, others can abuse their God given gift of sexuality. Some men sit for hours each and every day looking at erotic imagery (whether it is immoral imagery or not) and they are constantly masturbating and it effects every part of their lives.

Some people masturbate so much that they cause themselves mental issues that affect their ability to have normal sex in marriage and they have difficulty reaching orgasm through normal sexual intercourse.

But if we treat masturbation the same way we treat food, as a normal human need then it can be done in a healthy and safe way. We need not fear that because we masturbate that this means will somehow cripple ourselves from enjoying normal sex with our current or future spouse.

Now that we have shown what Phone Sex and sexting are, as well as why God gave us the gifts of our sexuality and sex itself – now we can compare Phone sex and sexting to God’s view of sex and determine whether it is sinful or not.

Is Phone Sex or Sexting a sin for married couples?

Since God has gifted sex to marriage – there is no sin in married couples engaging in Phone Sex or sexting. In fact this should be encouraged for couples that may be separated by long distances due to military deployments or other work related issues. It helps the couples to connect even while apart. Even for couples who are not far distances apart, sexting can be a great way to tease one another and build excitement for getting together later the same day. The Scriptures do not require that every orgasm a Christian husband or wife has must be experienced through physical sexual intercourse. Some Church leaders have wrongly taught this with no Scriptural backing whatsoever.

Is Phone sex and sexting a sin for unmarried Christians?

Phone sex and sexting are a violation of God’s Word and his boundaries on sex for unmarried persons. Usually Phone sex involves one or both people masturbating but that is NOT why it is wrong as masturbation is allowable within God’s law.

The reason that Phone sex and sexting are wrong is because the only type of sexual activity between two persons that God honors is that which occurs within the covenant of marriage. So that means dating couples or even engaged couples may not engage in Phone sex or sexting before they are married. Obviously it means that strangers may not engage in Phone sex or sexting with each other either.

Some might ask – “but there is nothing physical so how can it be wrong?” The reason is that sex is both a mental and a physical activity. If two persons are interacting with one another and they are sexually arousing each other, whether it be by using sexual sounds on the phone or sexual suggestions in texts and whether or not they have an orgasm they are in essence having sex with one another. It is just mental sex, as opposed to physical sex, but it is still sex.

But what about looking at pictures or sexual recordings of people, or just imagining sex with someone?

If you have read any amount of posts on this site you will see that I show there is no sin in Christian looking at nude image, or video as long it does not feature unmarried person’s having sex or other sinful sexual activities. Simulated sex is not the same thing. So for instance a normal movie (not porn) might feature sounds of a couple having simulated sex, and there is no sin in being turned on by those sounds. So how can Phone sex be wrong, but hearing sexual sounds from some random movie is not wrong for a Christian to hear?

The difference is this – it is impossible for you to have sex with an inanimate object. Sex requires two persons interacting with each other, whether physically or mentally. If you are imagining having sex with a beautiful woman – does she have any idea that you are imagining that? Is she interacting with you in some way? If the answer is no, then you are NOT having sex with her (even mentally speaking).

But what about the mental adultery Christ spoke of in the Gospels?

“Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:

But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” – Matthew 5:27-28 (KJV)

Christ says here that if a man looks on a woman – to do what? “To lust after her” that he “hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” But notice some key things about this passage.

First – adultery refers to a specific type of fornication that only occurs in relation to marriage. Also adultery always has at it center a married woman, the marital status of the man pursing her is irrelevant. If a married man has sex with a single woman outside of marriage, that technically speaking is not adultery – it is what the Bible calls ”Whoremongering”.

Second – Paul tells us what Lust is when he wrote “for I had not known lust, except the law had said, Thou shalt not covet.” Romans 7:7 (KJV) So to lust, is to covet. Covetousness is the not simply looking at someone or something and getting pleasure from the sight of that thing. Covetousness is the strong desire to actually take possession of something that belongs to someone else. It is fantasizing about how one might actually take possession of something that they cannot possess.

So when we understand these two truths then this what Christ was actually saying:

“If you look at a married woman and you being to have covetous thoughts about how you can get her to cheat on her husband with you, then you just by your covetous thoughts you have committed adultery with her in your heart.”

That is the most literal understanding of what Christ was saying in there. So “mental adultery”, but Christ’s definition is when man looks on a woman with covetous thoughts of how he might possess her outside of marriage. Notice that for a man to simply look at woman, even a married woman in the context of this passage – is not sin. It is when a man looks at a woman with covetous thoughts, then and only then does sin enter the picture.

Conclusion

While being aroused by sexual sounds and masturbation are not sinful – Phone sex and sexting are a sin even though they usually involves both of these things. Phone sex is more than hearing sexually arousing sounds, becoming aroused and masturbating. It involves an illegitimate sexual relationship between two people who are not married and it is not something any Christian should be involved in.

Is Cybersex a sin for a Christian?

Is it wrong for a Christian to have cybersex? Is this a sinful activity for a Christian? What does the Word of God say about Cybersex?

What is Cybersex?

Before we can determine if Cybersex is a sin for a Christian we need to first define what it is.

Webster’s Online dictionary defines cybersex as:

“activity in which people become sexually excited by sending messages about sex to each other over the Internet”

Examples of cybersex would be people using webcams to watch each other masturbate or sending each other sexually explicit instant messages.

Another way of defining cybersex would be live sexual communication over the internet between two persons for the purposes of sexual arousal and/or orgasm.

Before we can understand whether cybersex violates God’s we need to see why God created sex and what his rules and purposes for it were.

Six principles about God’s purposes for sex

Biblical Sex Principle #1 – Sex is only allowed between a man and a woman

“For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness; Because that which may be known of God is manifest in them; for God hath shewed it unto them…

For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.” – Romans 1:18-19 & 26-27 (KJV)

Biblical Sex Principle #2 – Sex is allowed only in Marriage

“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.” – Hebrews 13:4 (KJV)

Biblical Sex Principle #3 – Sexual foreplay is allowed only in Marriage

“Son of man, there were two women, the daughters of one mother; and they played the harlot in Egypt. They played the harlot in their youth; there their breasts were pressed and there their virgin bosom was handled.” – Ezekiel 23:2-3(NASB)

Biblical Sex Principle #4 – Sex is not only allowed in marriage, it is also required

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” – I Corinthians 7:3-5(KJV)

Biblical Sex Principle #5 – Sex in marriage is given us to us as a gift for our pleasure and comfort

“Even by the God of thy father, who shall help thee; and by the Almighty, who shall bless thee with blessings of heaven above, blessings of the deep that lieth under, blessings of the breasts, and of the womb:” – Genesis 49:25

“Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.” – Proverbs 5:18-19 (KJV)

“And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.” – Genesis 24:67(KJV)

“How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince’s daughter! the joints of thy thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman. Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor: thy belly is like an heap of wheat set about with lilies… This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes. I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof…” – Song of Solomon 7:1-2 & 7-8 (KJV)

Biblical Sex Principle #6 – Sex in marriage is not only given to us for pleasure, but also for procreation

“And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply…” – Genesis 1:28 (KJV)

Sexuality vs Sex

A key distinction to understand is the difference between Sex and Sexuality.

Sex is the act of two persons mentally and/or physically sexually arousing one another usually culminating in an orgasm by one or both persons. But sex can be had sometimes with no orgasm from either person (e.g. when a couple has to stop having sex before orgasm – maybe because they get interrupted by kids.).

When we refer to a person’s sexuality, we are talking about a person’s ability to be aroused by thoughts of sex, smells of sex, the sight of other persons or the touch of other persons and the ability to feel pleasure in certain erogenous zones of one’s body as well as experience an orgasm.

While God limits the exercise of sex to be only within the bounds of marriage, he places no such bounds on sexuality itself.

In other words – a young teenage boy or girl do not have to be ashamed of the fact that they can become sexually aroused many years before they might get married.

One note on the issue of sexual arousal. Because we are sinful and have corrupted natures it is possible for some teenagers to be aroused and attracted sexually to the same sex. Without getting into the larger topic of homosexuality – Christian teens should not entertain or allow these thoughts as they are a corruption of God’s pure design of sexuality. If a teen continues to struggle with this, they should tell their parents so that they can get into a Christian counseling program that works with individuals that are tempted by homosexuality.

Having said that – if a teen is experiencing normal heterosexual arousal this should not be shamed, but rather encouraged by parents.

This the fine line that Christian parents must walk. Christian parents must not present sex as some dirty thing, or something not to be talked about. They ought not to teach their teens that they must repress their sexuality until marriage. But instead, Christian parents need to help their teens channel their sexuality in healthy ways.

They need to teach their children that while sex is reserved for marriage(including all sexual touching, oral and intercourse) this does not mean that their sexuality must be repressed until they are married. A teenage boy should be free to express how he feels about certain women that he finds attractive and why he finds them attractive. The same goes for a teenage girl in why she finds certain men attractive.

Of course parents need to teach their children about the appropriate times and places for sexual talk, as well as boundaries of language that are in good taste. For instance it is normal and healthy for teenage boys to discuss girls they find attractive and for teenage girls to discuss boys they find attractive. Usually the teenage boy conversation will be more about physical attributes of girls, while the teenage girl conversations might be much less physical. Teenage boys should be taught how to be gentlemen and not gawk at girls or make lewd and suggestive comments to girls. The same should be taught to teenage girls.

As part of our human sexuality that God has gifted us with, he has given human beings the ability to act on their sexual arousal or sexual tension that builds up with the gift of masturbation. This gift of masturbation is helpful in many ways. It can help teenagers to learn about their bodies and prepare them to have better sex lives in their future marriages. It can also help with adults who have not yet found the person they will marry, or even with engaged couples that are trying to remain sexually pure for marriage. Masturbation can help make up for libido differences between husbands and wives.

Masturbation is a lengthy topic so I will refer you to some other posts where I have gone through the Scriptures on this topic. But the fact remains, no in Scripture does God forbid masturbation, in fact in the Old Testament he regulated the cleanup of masturbation in the cleanliness laws he gave to Israel.

Can masturbation be abused – Yes and I reference in this several of my posts. Just like people can abuse their nature God given hunger for food, others can abuse their God given gift of sexuality. Some men sit for hours each and every day looking at erotic imagery (whether it is immoral imagery or not) and they are constantly masturbating and it effects every part of their lives.

Some people masturbate so much that they cause themselves mental issues that affect their ability to have normal sex in marriage and they have difficulty reaching orgasm through normal sexual intercourse.

But if we treat masturbation the same way we treat food, as a normal human need then it can be done in a healthy and safe way. We need not fear that because we masturbate that this means will somehow cripple ourselves from enjoying normal sex with our current or future spouse.

Now that we have shown what Cybersex is and why God gave us the gifts of our sexuality and sex itself – now we can compare Cybersex to God’s view of sex and determine whether it is sinful or not.

Is Cybersex a sin for married couples?

Since God has gifted sex to marriage – there is no sin in married couples engaging in cybersex. In fact this should be encouraged for couples that may be separated by long distances due to military deployments or other work related issues. It helps the couples to connect even while apart. The Scriptures do not require that every orgasm a Christian husband or wife has must be experienced through physical sexual intercourse. Some Church leaders have wrongly taught this with no Scriptural backing whatsoever.

Is Cybersex a sin for unmarried Christians?

Cybersex is a violation of God’s Word and his boundaries on sex for unmarried persons. Usually Cybersex involves one or both people masturbating but that is NOT why it is wrong as masturbation is allowable within God’s law. Cybersex many times involves looking at nudity of some sort(like images of another person masturbating but this is NOT why Cybersex is wrong as God’s law does not forbid sexual arousal from looking at nudity.

The reason that Cybersex is wrong is because the only type of sexual activity between two persons that God honors is that which occurs within the covenant of marriage. So that means dating couples or even engaged couples may not engage in Cybersex before they are married. Obviously it means that strangers may not engage in Cybersex online with each other either.

Some might ask – “but there is nothing physical so how can it be wrong?” The reason is that sex is both a mental and a physical activity. If two persons are interacting with one another and they are sexually arousing each other, whether it be by using web cams, or instant messages and whether or not they have an orgasm they are in essence having sex with one another. It is just mental sex, as opposed to physical sex, but it is still sex.

But what about looking at pictures or sexual recordings of people, or just imagining sex with someone?

If you have read any amount of posts on this site you will see that I show there is no sin in Christian looking at nude image, or video as long it does not feature unmarried person’s having sex or other sinful sexual activities. So how can Cybersex be wrong, but looking at a picture of a nude woman, or even married couple having sex be ok for a Christian?

The difference is this – it is impossible for you to have sex with an inanimate object. Sex requires two persons interacting with each other, whether physically or mentally. If you are imagining having sex with a beautiful woman – does she have any idea that you are imagining that? Is she interacting with you in some way? If the answer is no, then you are NOT having sex with her (even mentally speaking).

But what about people sending nude pictures or videos to one another?

Again I have said many times on this sight that there is no sin in a man viewing nude images of women, or just imagining them in his head – then being aroused and even masturbating to such imagery. But in the context of Cybersex, this then begs the question – what if a man and woman (who are not married to each other) are sending recorded images of themselves to each other but they are not live and interactive? Would this still be Cybersex? Strictly speaking it would not be Cybersex, but it could be trying to entice someone into cybersex or actual sex.

For instance if you(as a man or woman) take nude pictures of yourself and send them into some image sharing websites for others to appreciate and view there is no Cybersex happening. If however you as a man or woman send images directly to another person with the express and intent purpose of tempting them into having Cybersex or actual sex with you outside of marriage then in this case even the exchange of such imagery can become sinful, because the intent is sinful.

But what about the mental adultery Christ spoke of in the Gospels?

“Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:

But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” – Matthew 5:27-28 (KJV)

Christ says here that if a man looks on a woman – to do what? “To lust after her” that he “hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” But notice some key things about this passage.

First – adultery refers to a specific type of fornication that only occurs in relation to marriage. Also adultery always has at it center a married woman, the marital status of the man pursing her is irrelevant. If a married man has sex with a single woman outside of marriage, that technically speaking is not adultery – it is what the Bible calls ”Whoremongering”.

Second – Paul tells us what Lust is when he wrote “for I had not known lust, except the law had said, Thou shalt not covet.” Romans 7:7 (KJV) So to lust, is to covet. Covetousness is the not simply looking at someone or something and getting pleasure from the sight of that thing. Covetousness is the strong desire to actually take possession of something that belongs to someone else. It is fantasizing about how one might actually take possession of something that they cannot possess.

So when we understand these two truths then this what Christ was actually saying:

“If you look at a married woman and you being to have covetous thoughts about how you can get her to cheat on her husband with you, then you just by your covetous thoughts you have committed adultery with her in your heart.”

That is the most literal understanding of what Christ was saying in there. So “mental adultery”, but Christ’s definition is when man looks on a woman with covetous thoughts of how he might possess her outside of marriage. Notice that for a man to simply look at woman, even a married woman in the context of this passage – is not sin. It is when a man looks at a woman with covetous thoughts, then and only then does sin enter the picture.

Conclusion

While looking at nudity and masturbation are not sinful – Cybersex is a sin even though it usually involves both nudity and masturbation. Cybersex is more than viewing nudity, becoming aroused and masturbating – it involves an illegitimate sexual relationship between two people who are not married and it is not something any Christian should be involved in.

Why do married men masturbate?

Married couple quarrels in bed. Depressed man sitting on the edge of the bed, focus on man

Jay Dee, a blogger who writes on his blog sexwithinmarrage.com, wrote a post entitled “Why do married men masturbate?” This is one of many blogs that I wish to respond to, as the Lord grants me the time. As believers our first and foremost responsibility is to bring honor and glory to God with our lives, but how we do that is sometimes where we disagree.

In my efforts to bring God glory, I am on a mission to set men free from the secular based tyranny of feminism on one side, and the religious based tyranny of Christian asceticism on the other side.

Feminism attacks masculinity (especially male sexuality) from the perspective that man’s physical, visual and polygynous sexual nature is somehow shallow. They attack men for looking at, or enjoying the view of beautiful women and accuse them of “objectifying woman”.

Asceticism is the belief that one must severely discipline his body, and avoid all forms of indulgence, typically for religious reasons.

Christianity had its own form of asceticism begin while the Apostles were still preaching and Paul actually referenced it and attacked it (Colossians 2:18-23). Just think “monks in a monastery” and you will understand what asceticism when taken to its fullest extent.

The unfortunate truth is, there is still much Asceticism in the Church today, throughout almost every Christian denomination. Many good preachers and teachers, believing they are fighting for holiness and purity put the men in their churches under the yoke of bondage to asceticism.

I have written many positive affirmations on this site from a Biblical viewpoint, about man’s physical, visual and polygynous sexual nature. I encourage you to check them out.

With all that said as a background, I must call my brother in Christ to task on his false teaching that solo masturbation without one’s wife present is adultery. Jay Dee’s full post can be found at http://sexwithinmarriage.com/why-do-married-men-masturbate/

We see the same facts, but we interpret them very differently

Jay Dee starts out with facts about who masturbates. I will list just a few and add my response:

“In 1996 a Promise Keepers survey at a stadium event revealed that over 50% of the attending men were involved with pornography in the last week.  You can bet that number is lower than reality as most people wouldn’t admit it.  Plus, this is only in the last week.”

While Jay Dee would tell these men this was wicked, I would first ask these men what they were calling “pornography”. We must understand there is good and bad pornography, even Jay Dee on his site talks about “Christian Porn”. He simply narrowly defines it as husband and wife taking pictures of themselves, and they are the only ones that see them.

I would define “Christian Porn” in a broader sense as any imagery NOT containing group sex, bestiality, rape, underage minors, homosexuality or any kind abusive sexual behavior. What that means is, any picture of a naked woman by herself or any pictures of heterosexual sex between a man and a woman are completely acceptable by Biblical standards.

If you are thinking this is where lust comes in, you might not know what Biblical lust is. Lust is NOT simply being sexually aroused by someone of the opposite sex, it is the thought and intent to possess the person sexually outside of marriage.

I would first try to find out – how many of these men at Promise Keepers were looking at bad porn(as I have defined it above), and I am willing to bet I would shave that 50% number down quite a bit. But even for those men who were truly looking at bad porn, imagery that would violate God’s laws regarding sexuality, I would show them there is a better way, there is a way to enjoy their God given male sexuality without sin.

I would show them they can look at Christian porn, porn that stays within the boundaries of God’s design and laws for how we can enjoy our sexuality.

By the way here is a Christian site that does offer “Christian pornography” that stays within the bounds of God’s law – http://restoringchristiansexuality.com/christian-porn-galleries/

“29% of born again adults in the U.S. feel it is morally acceptable to view movies with explicit sexual behavior (The Barna Group)”

So that means we need to convince the 71% percent of those who oppose viewing sexually explicit behavior to realize that sex, within God’s boundaries, is not a bad thing. There is nothing wrong with a married man or woman being turned on sexually by the site of someone of the opposite sex, it is what you do with that arousal that becomes sin or not. Are you thinking of looking up that person so you can find them and have sex with them? If not there is no lust, there is no sin here.

“61% of married Christian men masturbate”

Ok I would venture to guess that about 31% percent lied about not masturbating, and there might be actually 10% of married men who either are married to very sexually active women (women who want sex more than they do), or they are torturing themselves day in and day out, battling their sexual nature as designed by God, because someone like Jay Dee told them it was a sin.

Jay Dee quotes Matthew and gives his interpretation:

Matthew 5:28 – But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

If you are masturbating and thinking about someone other than your wife, this is adultery.  Plain and simple.”

Sorry Jay Dee, but “looks lustfully” has nothing to do with sexual arousal or fantasy, it has to do with sexual covetousness as Paul states in Romans:

“for I had not known lust, except the law had said, Thou shalt not covet.” – Romans 7:7

So you, I or any other Christian man can enjoy the sight of, the image of, or the memory of any woman, married or single, and we can even masturbate to their beauty as long as we are not thinking of or scheming to try and actually possess them sexually outside of marriage.

Jay Dee then quotes Ephesians and give his interpretation:

Ephesians 5:3 – But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality,or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.

Now, the standing that masturbating is sexual immorality is weak, so I’m not going to argue that one here.  But I will argue that a lot of spouses are masturbating out of greed.  They are taking what they want where they can get it instead of where God designed your sexual energy to be focused at (a man’s wife).”

Masturbation is not sexual immorality, and neither this passage, nor any other passage of Scripture says so. “The hint of sexual immorality” does not mean that no program we ever watch on TV, or any book we read can feature an unmarried couple that lives together, or has sex outside of marriage. The “hint” is regarding our own lives as Christians, we ourselves, cannot have a hint of sexual immorality in our own lives, whether that is sex outside of marriage, or adultery or any other kind of sexual sin.

Jay Dee does give us a “hint” of his own, where he is headed with his post when he says “God designed your sexual energy to be focused at (a man’s wife)”. I will respond to this when he fully reveals his thinking later.

Jay Dee continues:

1 Timothy 1:18-19 – Timothy, my son, I am giving you this command in keeping with the prophecies once made about you, so that by recalling them you may fight the battle well, holding on to faith and a good conscience, which some have rejected and so have suffered shipwreck with regard to the faith.

Here Paul tells Timothy to hold on to the faith and a good conscience.  As we saw earlier from the stats, most men who are masturbating do not have a clear conscious about it.”

I realize most men do not have a clear conscious about masturbating and do you know why? It is because they have been taught by their parents, their pastors and many others in our culture that this is somehow deviant or bad behavior. This is one of the main missions I have on this site, to help men rid themselves of the heavy burden of guilt that is put on them for masturbating, not by God, but by the traditions of men.

The last verse in this section Jay Dee quotes comes from I Thessalonians:

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 – It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God;

And a call to control yourself, to not be overtaken by passionate lusts.”

Again – masturbation is not sexual immorality. Lust is coveting something (thinking about to actually possess something) that God did not intend for us to have. God did not intend for us to have sex with a woman outside of marriage, so if we are having thoughts of how we can convince a woman, married or single, to have sex with us, without us first being married to her – then we have lusted. This is the “passionate lust” the Apostle Paul is speaking of.

But then Jay Dee comes to his true reason that he actually believes masturbation (apart from doing it with your spouse) is sin:

“But, I think the largest argument is not an explicit verse, but rather the overriding message of the Bible with regard to marriage and sexuality.  100% of your sexual energy should be devoted to your spouse.”

Really??? What Bible verse did you get that from? “100% of your sexual energy should be devoted to your spouse”?

It is interesting that he uses the term “sexual energy” because that encompasses the visual, the thoughts as well as the physical. Every jealous woman in America is applauding his “100%” percent rule, but that does not make it any more correct than when he uttered the statement.

I agree that 100% of any sexual touching or talking (oral sex, sexual kissing, manual sex and intercourse, phone sex, web cam sex) is to be only with a woman that we are married to. But we as men are no more disallowed from enjoying the view, and being aroused by the sight other beautiful women than we are of enjoying the sight of food or the smell of food that sits on another man’s plate. As long as we don’t try to sneak a bite of his food, or plot how to take it when he is not looking, we have not sinned.

Jay Dee then applies his principle of 100% sexual energy:

“That means when you are unmarried, you are not expending sexual energy.  Otherwise, by doing so, you are cheating on your future spouse.  We call this fornication.  When you are married, you focus all your energy on your spouse.  If you don’t, we call this adultery.  So, if one is married and masturbating alone, focusing his sexual energy on something other than his spouse (porn or an idealistic version of his wife, or just focusing on his own pleasure), then I’m going to call that adultery, and the Bible is very clear on that.”

Jay Dee is actually putting a huge yoke of bondage on young men, or married men (especially with those whose wives are sick or have very low sex drives) by saying “when you are unmarried, you are not expending sexual energy”. Apparently Jay Dee does not remember being a teenage boy or young man in college. Jay Dee has literally declared war on male sexuality with that statement.

God did not give men their sexual nature, only for them to completely suppress it until they are married. Again while his intentions may be good, Jay Dee’s teaching here is utterly false.

Men need to channel their sexuality and it is true they cannot experience their sexuality to its fullest with physical sexual contact with a woman, until they are married to that woman. God gives us this rule for many reasons, one of the biggest being for our own protection, and the protection of women.

But God did give young men the wonderful tool of masturbation. They can freely, and without any guilt whatsoever, enjoy the view of beautiful women and they can masturbate to those beautiful thoughts without feeling ONE BIT SINFUL.

Jay Dee in the end of his post, reveals why he has taken such a strong stand on masturbation:

“Now, I say this in all love, having struggled with all this before.  I have a 15 year history with porn addiction, from teenage years through most of my marriage.  There were times I could not perform sexually because I had already masturbated too many times that day.  There were times I avoided sexual encounters because I was worried my wife would realized I was being sexually active without her.  And at all times I was hiding something from my wife.”

Jay Dee has pulled what I call a “Billy Sunday”. What happens to many good Christian men is, because they used to abuse something that is not sinful in and of itself, they have to convince themselves that not just the abuse of it, but the thing itself is entirely sinful and of no use.

Billy Sunday was a famous Baptist preacher, who before he got saved, was baseball player. He was a horrible drunk and it almost ruined his life. So when he got saved, he was convinced that alcohol itself was the devils drink. He almost single handedly brought about prohibition by going throughout the country preaching against the evils of alcohol.

Now I fully believe alcohol can be abused, and if you think you might have a tendency to get drunk, or someone in your household has trouble with it, then you ought not to have it there. But if you know how to use it properly and in measure, God does not call alcohol a sin, only the abuse of it.

It is the same way with masturbation, since Jay Dee truly did abuse masturbation, where it caused him to have erectile dysfunction while performing his sexual duties with his wife,  and it caused him to sometimes avoid sex with his wife, he was sinning by masturbating TOO MUCH.  His erectile dysfunction may have been caused by his fear of his wife knowing about his masturbation, or because masturbating too much actually causes ED in many men, it makes no difference, the point is, his masturbation caused issues in his sex life with his wife.

What is this “hiding something from his wife”? What Scripture passage says a husband cannot hide anything from his wife? Some men have to hide money from their wives, even in separate bank accounts, so their wives won’t blow it all. Other men because of the secrecy of the work they do cannot share things with their wives.

Unless a husband is hiding something sinful, a man does not have to tell his wife everything he does. Certainly if a man is having an affair with another woman, that he ought to come clean and confess this “actual sin” to his wife. I am not advocating for hiding sin. But a man looking at beautiful women, or even keeping a collection of images of beautiful women and keeping it from his wife is not a sin.

Jay Dee ends by answering the main question:

“So, to answer the question, why do married men masturbate?  I think there are three reasons:

  1. Ignorance – They don’t realize what effect it might be having on their marriage

  2. Selfishness – They know but don’t care, they are just chasing an orgasm

  3. Addiction – Some are addicted, and they need help.  Loving, but firm, help.

My answer to why married men masturbate would follow more in line with Scripture, the sexual design of men by God, and biology:

  1. It is ignorant for a man NOT to masturbate, especially if he is a young man, because it will help him to learn about his body, keep him from ACTUALLY sinning(have sexual touch or relations with a woman)
  2. It is no more selfish for man to masturbate, then it is for him to eat food, it is part of the bodily design that God has given him.
  3. Yes just as someone can become addicted to food, they can become addicted to masturbation, apparently as Jay Dee was in his former life. But food is not sinful in and of itself, and neither is masturbation.
  4. Men masturbate because their sexual nature is much more physically based than a woman’s nature typically is (although there is nothing wrong with a woman masturbating either). His body needs that sexual release, else he can become cranky and frustrated, or he may fall into sin by having ACTUAL sex with a girl because he has not used the natural release valve God gave him – masturbation.

A word to Christian wives reading this post

You may have come hear, because you either caught your husband masturbating(for instance at his computer) or he admitted to you that he does – perhaps even feeling guilty about it. You can take the truths I have shown here, as well as the many articles on why masturbation can actually be healthy and good for a man(or a woman), and you can grow together and help him to not feel guilty.  Your marriage can grow stronger and closer as a result.

This will also require you to sacrifice your pride as a woman, the romantic ideals that you have been raised with that your husband should “only have eyes for you”. You will have to ask God to rid you of your jealousy (a problem that many women in the Bible faced). It will require you to fully accept your husband’s sexuality as God designed it, not as you would have it.

Your other option is to force your husband to war against his God given sexuality in a futile attempt to meet your jealous demands. But this war against his God given sexuality, will never be over, and you and he will continually find yourselves frustrated in in attempt to battle something God never intended for you to battle.

Christian wives – the choice is yours.

Conclusion

Jay Dee, like so many other Christian Ascetics we see online, in print, or in pulpits across America, is a good Christian man with good intentions. However as you can see in his post, he offers not ONE shred of Biblical support for his belief that masturbation is wrong because “100% of your sexual energy should be devoted to your spouse.”

What is the Lust of the Eyes in I John 2:16?

Biblical Gender Roles

couple female in pink and male in red

What does the Bible mean by “the lust of the eyes”? Is it wrong for us to look at anything and desire it? Or does this mean something else? Recently I was sent this article – http://www.faithfulwordbaptist.org/lust.html – to review from one of my blog readers, it is an essay by Pastor Steven Anderson, the Pastor of Faithful Word Baptist Church in Temple AZ.

The phrase “the lust of the eyes” occurs one time in the Bible, and it comes to us in the first epistle of John.

“15 Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.

16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the…

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Why did nudity become shameful after the fall?

Biblical Gender Roles

Whynudityshame

Why did nudity become shameful after the fall of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden? Was it because they realized what sexual attraction was? Was it because of the potential for lust that God clothed them? Or were there other reasons that God clothed Adam and Eve, and nakedness became a shame after Eden?

There was no shame about nakedness before the fall

The Bible says this about Adam and Eve right after they were created by God:

“And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” – Genesis 2:25(KJV)

Shame felt for the first time

In Genesis 2 – God had told Adam not to eat from the Tree of the knowledge of Good and Evil. Then we read in Genesis 3 that sometime after God created Eve for Adam, and brought them together in the first marriage, Eve was…

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Why God meant for people to be clothed

Biblical Gender Roles

Why God meant for people to be clothed

I believe that it was God’s intention for man and woman to be clothed whether or not Adam and Eve ever sinned – the proof is that we will be clothed in the eternal state.

Humans have no natural protection from elements

We as human beings in our natural state are exposed, and thus we are meant to be clothed. Clothing protects our skin from extreme temperatures (hot and cold), and from being cut and scraped. This why we wear clothing and shoes.

Symbolic Purposes for Clothing

It is clear from the Bible that God loves symbols. Marriage while have practical purposes in this life, is also a symbol of the eternal relationship between God and his people. Yeast was symbolic of sin. Boaz redeeming Ruth was a symbol of Christ’s redemption of all mankind. There are countless symbolisms in Scripture, and clothing is no exception. While clothing has practical…

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Why nudity is not always shameful for a Christian

Biblical Gender Roles

Why nudity is not always shameful

Is nudity always shameful? Some would say yes. They could point to many passages of Scripture that associated nudity with shame. I believe that as a general rule, God meant for us as human beings to be clothed. He did not intend for us to just go naked everywhere we went, whether it is for shopping at the store or going about the daily business of our lives.

There is a time and place for everything under heaven

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven” – Ecclesiastes 3:1(KJV)

Are there times and places for nudity? Some might say there is never a time for nudity (outside of nudity between a husband and wife in marriage), but the Scriptures show otherwise:

Job’s humility before the Lord

“Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the…

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Is it wrong for Christians to pose nude, or paint and photograph nudes?

Biblical Gender Roles

nice portrait of a young woman with naked shoulder posing inside a frame

Is it wrong for Christians to pose nude for painters or photographers? Is wrong Christians to take nude pictures of models, or paint nude models? Is wrong for Christians to be involved with nudity at all?

The lust argument

Many Christians would say –“Duh – ya! Of course it is wrong for a Christian to pose nude, or take nude photos, or paint nudes or to have any involvement in nudity at all”.

The reasons for this common belief among Christians are:

  1. If a person poses nude, there image will be used to cause others to lust.
  2. If a person takes nude photography, or paints nude – they may lust themselves after the model they are painting or photographing and/or cause others who see the photograph or nude to lust.

I would not argue with the fact that if a person poses nude, they might cause others to be…

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The 7 Reasons why God made Sex

We often talk about why God made man and woman, and why he made marriage, but there is a lot of misinformation as to why he made sex. This post from BiblicalGenderRoles.com explains the 7 reasons why God made sex.

Biblical Gender Roles

Young people flirting and having fun at bed

Why did God create sex? Was it only for procreation? Was it created for our unity as a couple? Where does God talk about his purposes for sex in the Bible?

There is no single passage of Scripture where God says “I created sex for these purposes…”God created man in his image to show his attribute and display his glory. God created woman as a helper for man (Genesis 2 & I Corinthians 11). God does tell us why he created marriage in Ephesians 5, as symbol of the relationship between Christ and the Church.

So yes we know why God created us, and why God created marriage. But why did God create sex?

Happy family

One of God’s purposes for sex was for reproduction

There is no doubt that one of the reasons for God creating sex was as a method for procreation.

In fact it is one the first commands…

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