January 1st 2015
It is one thing to study out what you as Christian husband believe God teaches in his Word about sexuality, and it quite another to apply that to your life and especially to teach these truths to your wife and children.
In the last year this site has had over 71,000 views and some of the pages on this site ranks on the first page of Google searches for certain subjects. The point is – what started out as me just researching this issue of Christian sexuality for myself, has thankfully been a blessing to thousands of Christians in the United States as well as around the world.
I realize I may not be the best writer(and I certainly make a lot grammar mistakes, especially when I am passionately writing a post), but my heart’s desire is to hear what God wants to show me, and then share what God has shown me with others, and hopefully it will help them as well.
With all that being said I have been asked on more than one occasion from readers of this blog how all this has affected my life personally, and how I apply these principles with my wife and children. Since this site is anonymous, I believe I can be frank and answer these questions honestly without bringing any embarrassment to my wife or children.
As far as my children are concerned, I have 5 children, two older teenage sons, a teen daughter in the middle, and two younger sons (11 & 9).
I have always had good communication with my children about sexual issues and have always told them that no subject is off limits, we just need to make sure we do it at the right place and time (some things are meant for private discussion).
Even before I had my epiphany a couple years ago that it was ok for a Christian man to look at certain forms of nudity and erotica, I always had a non-judgmental view toward male sexuality. I knew I struggled with some things and felt guilty a lot, but I was not going load that guilt on my sons or other Christian men. I told my teenage sons I realized they were young men, and I went through exactly the same feelings and urges they did, and that is was normal.
Once I realized simple erotic nudity was ok to look at, I realized this could be an invaluable tool to keep them from the real danger – pornography. It is a lie pure and simple to say that looking at erotic images will lead to looking a pornography, the truth is the exactly the opposite.
When Christian men are made to believe that all viewing of any nudity other than their wife is wrong they eventually move to pornography. The reasoning basically goes like this, “For some reason I am drawn to nudity even though everyone tells me it is wrong, so if I am going to sin, I might as well go all the way”.
But when Christian men realize the truth that God does allow them to look at nudity (within the boundaries of his law) it is a freeing experience, and there is nothing like the first time your entire life that you can masturbate to a nude image – GUILT FREE. It is nothing short of amazing.
I have not shown my 15 year old my blogs, but I have talked with him about the material on those blogs. I allow him to have swim suit pictures in his room (and I would not scold him if I caught him looking at nudity). I have recently allowed my 17 year old to look at Christian Erotica as I believe it will help him to stay pure for marriage, when he understands there is a natural and Godly way to experience his sexuality before he eventually marries a woman someday.
Just this last week my soon to be 13 year old daughter (who was an early bloomer at age 11 and is well developed for her age) asked me the million dollar question – “Dad why do boys like to look at pictures of naked girls?” Boy did she come to the right place!
I went through the Bible and showed her how the heroes she has grown up learning about – Abraham, Jacob, Gideon, David and others had many wives. I told her that while it might come as a shock to her, a man is perfectly capable of loving two or more women at the same time and God has designed him with this special ability.
I showed her that God has designed women to monogamous, to only desire one man because that his purpose for women, for a woman to have many husbands would be a sick perversion of God’s design of marriage.
I asked my daughter some simple questions – if a woman had more than one husband, who would be her head (because the Bible says the husband is the head of the wife)? If a woman had more than one husband, how would she know who the father of her child was?
But I said with a polygynous marriage (a man having many wives), there are no such conflicts. He is the head of each woman. He becomes “one flesh” by having sex with each of his wives, as God commands him to do. There is absolutely no question who the father and mother of a child is in a polygynous marriage. I also told her that in polygynous marriages of the past, there was no question who the marriage centered on (the man or the woman) – each woman knew that she was created to serve her husband.
I showed my daughter how God regulated polygamy, and God talks about sex in the Song of Solomon (she had already had the sex talk a couple years ago when she started her period). I showed her how in I Corinthians God commands husband and wives to have sex regularly. I explained to her that while sex is a duty for both husbands and wives, that if a woman takes the right attitude toward it, God designed her to be able to experience the same pleasure her husband does.
I explained to her that because men can no longer legally practice polygamy – nude paintings, pictures and other things given them a natural outlet for their polygamous nature. I told her that when she one day marries a man, if she will accept his nature as God has designed it (and not as she might want it to be), and accept that she is a gift to her husband (both her mind and her body), that she will have a long and happy marriage.
If she fails to accept any of these Biblical principles, I told her that she may be in for a lot of heartache and ruin in her marriage. My daughter thanked me for explaining how boy’s minds work, and in a way what I said made sense to her. She said it would take some time for it to fully sink in, and I told her that was perfectly fine, she has plenty of years for it to sink in.
Then comes how I apply this to my wife. As I have stated on some other posts on this blog, my second and current wife is much more accepting of male sexuality that my second wife. With my first wife if I even glanced at another woman, she was all over me. My current wife has no problem at all if I simply glance, and she will even point out actresses in movies and ask me if I think they are pretty.
But as accepting as my second wife is toward male sexuality, she is still not fully accepting of it. As far as my blogs go, she knows I have them, but we have had a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy for the most part.
Just the other night I broke my own rule that I have told others on this blog and elsewhere when I have counseled men privately, and that is don’t share much, if anything about your private sexual life(i.e. your masturbation habits, or erotica you look at.) Most Christian women, because of how they have been raised both in American culture, as well as the churches they attend – cannot handle these revelations.
What happened just a few days ago was my nephew’s wife (they are newlyweds, just a few months) called very upset at my nephew. She had discovered some images of nude women on an old cell phone he had (he had just upgraded so he left his old phone at home). She knew that I blog a lot and asked how I felt about it. I had “the talk” with her about male sexuality, and explained that as long as it is not pornography (meaning group sex, orgies, homosexuality, bestiality….ect) that she should leave it be. I told her if she notices any change in their sexual habits, or him not wanting to be with her sexually, then she needs to address it, otherwise she should leave him alone, and accept his need for variety. I told her that I understood all of that might come as a shock to her as a new bride, but that if she could accept this over time her marriage would be stronger for it. Thanks to God, she accepted my advice as she has a lot of respect for me.
My wife overheard the phone conversation and asked me what was going on – she even guessed that his wife had found porn on his phone. I corrected my wife “it was not porn, what she described to me was erotica and that is different”.
My wife said “yes men will sometimes do that, and as long as they don’t get obsessed with it or start looking at the hardcore stuff than I guess it is ok. But I must confess, I don’t know why a man would need to specifically look up naked pictures of women, it is one thing if a woman shows up naked for a minute in a movie you are watching, it is another to specifically go looking for just nude women.”
Then she looked at me and asked the question ALL Christian men dread – “you don’t look at nude pictures on your phone like they do right? Let’s just say I am horrible liar, and there was no way I could straight face lie to my wife (although I don’t always think lying is wrong in all cases).
What I did was answer her EXACT question, with no more detail than she asked. I said “yes I do sometimes look at nude images on my phone, but not porn”. There was no way I was going to tell her I actually have a Christian sex site, and a new Christian erotica site. And no – there is absolutely no passage in all the Scriptures that says a man has to tell his wife everything. In fact I could have even refused to answer her first question.
Her experience was that of a typical westernized Christian woman with a romanticized view of marriage – she shed some tears. I asked her why she was crying, and she said “I know other Christian men might look at nude images of women, but I just never thought you did. I knew you admitted you sometimes masturbated because we can’t have sex has often as you would like, but I always thought you were thinking of me when you did it. I just can’t imagine how you could look at a picture of another woman and masturbate to it.”
After that I that I ended the conversation, telling her that I loved her and that no masturbation was as good as being with her. We have a lot of issues to work on in the intimacy area, and she admitted it again as we discussed this issue. I told her rather than worrying about me looking at nude images, she should be thanking God that I do – because it keeps me from being tempted to actually sin sexually when we go for longer periods without having sex due to her many physical and mental infirmities.
So yes my wife has a small idea that I blog about marriage and sexuality in marriage (but she has never seen my blogs and does not know the names of them), and she has no idea that I also talk about and have a new Christian erotica site, I don’t think in her current state of mind, or with her background that she could ever handle that.
My wife actually came from some abusive relationships (mentally, emotionally and sexually) in the past and that does play a part in the intimacy issues we face. She has finally agreed to go through a great church counseling program we have in the area in this coming New Year, and I hope she makes good on this commitment. Please pray about that for me if you will.
But my wife also has a lot baggage from her mother growing up, as her mother was a moderate feminists and even though my wife is a Christian, feminism pours out into our marriage on a regular basis and I am constantly combating her contradicting the Biblical teachings I try to teach my sons, and my daughter.
I have been taking her disrespect to task a lot more lately, and have asked that she keep her opinions on some of these issues to herself(my 5 kids are from my previous marriage, my current wife and I have no children together).
Again please pray for me as I try to love my wife with the Agape love that Christ loves his Church, but at the same time that God gives me the courage to lead my family, and confront sinful behavior whether it comes from children, or even my wife – always speaking the truth in love as God tells us to do.
I realize that after reading this, some might think I have no business giving sexual or marriage advice. After all my marriage has a lot of problems, and my sex life with my wife is far from ideal.
I used to think that about myself before I wrote these sites, and it kept from doing this work for sometimes. I thought “who am I to talk about these issues, only people with great marriage and great sex lives should talk about these issues”.
Then I realized, if we applied that to other areas of life where would we be?
Would alcoholics listen better to a person who has struggled with alcoholism better than someone who never has? Yes
Would divorced people listen to how to cope with divorce better from someone who has been divorced? Yes
Then I realized – God allowed me to experience the hurt in my first marriage(my first wife had an affair on me, and also had a lot of sexual issues) and he has allowed me to experience the hurt and sexual frustration in this marriage – so that I could grow and help others.
I realized how true God’s Word is when he says:
“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
II Corinthians 12:9
God also says in his Word:
“But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.”
And finally he tells us:
Make me to understand the way of thy precepts: so shall I talk of thy wondrous works… And I will walk at liberty: for I seek thy precepts.
Psalm 119:40 & 45
If I had a perfect first marriage and hilariously happy sex life, if I never experienced the hurts that I have, or saw the blatant sinful behavior I have seen from some women I might never have spent the hours I spent questioning all the traditions and teachings I was ever taught. I would not have the passion for helping other Christian men that I now have. While God is not the author of sin, he does allows us to go through trials and he does this for our growth.
I hope in this New Year that God will continue to bless you through this ministry, even in some small way. I hope to help thousands of Christian men to “walk at liberty” when it comes to their God given male sexuality and to set them free from the shackles of feminism and church tradition especially as it relates to views about sexuality.
Thank you for your support.