My husband never performs oral sex on me

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You’re frustrated and upset. Why would he not do something that is so easy to do and gives you so much pleasure?

What you are asking for is natural and normal

Let me first start off by saying there is nothing unnatural, or perverted or selfish about you wanting your husband to perform oral sex on you. Men have been performing oral sex on their wives for thousands of years. The image below is an ancient drawing in Pompeii.

Pompeii_-_Terme_Suburbane_-_Apodyterium_-_Scene_IV

So now that you understand your need for your husband to perform oral sex on you is completely normal, let’s look at the reasons why he might not be doing it.

These are a few of the reasons men either stop performing oral sex (otherwise known as Cunnilingus).

  1. You don’t perform oral sex on him (otherwise known as Fellatio).
  2. You don’t keep yourself clean down there.
  3. You have never told him you would like it.
  4. You have stopped him from going down there when you are near your period.
  5. You don’t have sex with him as often as he would like.
  6. He doesn’t want to because he thinks it is unmanly
  7. He thinks you should be completely satisfied with his penis in intercourse.
  8. Some men have been taught oral sex is unchristian

You don’t perform oral sex on him

You can’t expect someone to do something for you, that you are not willingly to do for them. It is the height of hypocrisy. So if you realize that you are not doing this for him, then you need to.

You don’t keep yourself clean down there

When it comes to sex, and ESPECIALLY oral sex, cleanliness truly is next to Godliness. Ladies make sure you are regularly making sure your vulva is clean. Ask him if he likes it better shaved or unshaved. I personally like public hair on my wife. It is sexy and natural and it is the mark of a woman. Realize though that keeping yourself clean does not mean you need to wipe out your female scent, for many men that is turn on.

You never told him you would like it

This is one a lot of women miss. They just assume their husbands should know they want oral sex performed on them. Well some guys are just dumb. For me personally it is a big turn on, and I wish my wife would let me perform oral sex on her more often. I know you are frustrated, but you need to keep your composure.

The first method of communication I would suggest is talking to your husband outside the bedroom in a kind and unthreatening way. Many men take great pride in their love making ability, and this can come as a great punch to the gut. So make sure you tread lightly.

The second method of communication I would suggest is in the bedroom. While you are having sex, tell him you would love him to “eat my pussy”. You could use nonverbal communication and try to gently push him down there.

You have stopped him from going down there when you are near your period.

Perhaps your husband used to perform oral sex on you, but there were a few times that you stopped him because you were near your period or on your period and you were worried about not being so fresh down there. That is a perfectly acceptable reason to stop him.

But you need to do it gently, and just give him a brief explanation that you are near or on your period. When you are done with your period you need to go out of your way to make sure he knows you are “open for business”.

You don’t have sex with him as often as he would like

Often times a man will pull back on the special things when you don’t have sex with him as often as he likes. Some women only get horny a few times a month, and on those few times they want all the stops pulled out. But they may not realize that they have been denying their husband, or just phoning it when he has needed more often than them.

Some men may consciously, or unconsciously withhold oral sex and other foreplay and go straight to intercourse with their wife to protest the lack of quantity of sex. You need to make sure you are meeting his needs for quantity, so that in turn maybe your need for quality will be met better.

He doesn’t want to because he thinks it is unmanly

This is one as a man I just don’t get. Pleasing your woman is bed is as manly as it gets. Short of a woman using a strap on and performing anal sex on her husband, I can’t really think of any other sex acts that a man should consider to be unmanly.

I will talk about how to handle situations like this shortly as my answer will be the same for these last few items.

He thinks you should be completely satisfied with his penis in intercourse.

This is simply a pride issue, nothing more, nothing less. He is not thinking what will really satisfy you or give you pleasure, he is thinking of what he wants you to feel.

Some men have been taught oral sex is unchristian

There are some churches, as well as some Christian families that teach their sons and daughters that oral sex is a sin. This is one of the most difficult obstacles to overcome. It is not easy to ask someone to do something against their conscious.

Conclusion and Suggestions

The first five reasons your husband might not be performing oral sex on you have to do with you. You need to make sure you are doing right, and clearly communicating to your husband what your needs are. You need to meet his sexual needs for frequency or oral sex before you can come to him with your needs.

But many women reading this post will be saying “But I have done EVERYTHING you have said, and he still does not do it!” So what do you do now?

You need to pray hard about what you do next. This is an issue I struggle with my wife about. These are your choices on how to handle this situation when it is clearly a problem in his court:

  1. If he likes oral sex and you have been performing it, then stop doing it. See how long it takes him to notice and when he asks tell him that if he is not willing to perform it on you, you are unwilling to perform it on him. I realize some may say this is an unloving act, but it is an act of tough love.
  2. If this is a religious conviction for him where he won’t let you even perform oral sex on him, then you may need to take a different approach. I would suggest trying take him to a Christian counselor who does not believe oral sex is wrong, and let them explain from the Scriptures why it is not wrong. If he is unwilling to go to a counselor, the use the verses on this site to go through and show him that oral sex is in fact in the book of Song of Solomon.
  3. If neither of the first two methods work just continue to pray for him. Believe me I know how frustrating this is, as I said I face the same issue with my wife. But as Christians this is not a legitimate grounds for divorce, as horribly frustrating as it may be.

The reality is that some of us are just sexually mismatched with the person we are married to. Some men and women have a much greater need for high quality, toe curling sex, while others just want to go in and do the deed and be done. We simply need to pray, pray, pray.

But then there is the sexual fantasy arena…

I have written on this site extensively on the subjects of nudity, masturbation and sexual fantasy. There is nothing wrong with you masturbating and imagining your husband performing oral sex on you, or looking at drawings or paintings of men performing oral sex on women. Looking at actual people can be pornography(which would be wrong), but there are a few sites that have married people performing oral sex so that would not be sin. I will be trying to post links to images I think would be ok for Christians in the coming months. Also there is nothing wrong with reading erotic novels that may describe oral sex and then masturbating to those things you are imagining.

I realize sexual fantasy is a far cry from the real thing, and it should never become something that makes you give up on trying to make your sex life better with your husband. But it can act as supplement, or band aid of sorts, for what is lacking in your sexual relationship with your husband.

Before you completely dismiss what I am saying about masturbation and fantasy and nudity please read this articles where I wrote extensively on these subjects:

What is the Biblical view of nudity

Is masturbation wrong for a Christian?

Why did my Christian husband look at porn?

Surfing the internet for pornography

So you are a good Christian wife and you have caught your husband looking at pornography, or perhaps he felt guilty and admitted it to you.

Either way as a wife this can be devastating to you. Here are some thoughts that might go through your mind:

  1. Does he not love me anymore?
  2. Does he not think I am attractive anymore?
  3. Is he some kind of pervert?

Let me quickly answer these three concerns.

  1. Looking at porn by itself, is not an indicator that he does not love you. Your husband could still deeply love you but also look at porn.
  2. Your husband could still find you very attractive, yet look at porn.
  3. It would probably be safe to say that all perverts look at porn, but not all people who look at porn are perverts.

Contrary to what our feminist world teaches, men and women come to sexuality from very different places. The vast majority of women look at sex as just one part of the greater whole of a relationship. Men actually separate sex and relationship.

I have seen some Christian sights claiming that women are just as drawn to pornography as men. The facts say otherwise. The vast majority of internet porn, movies and strip clubs are frequented by men. While women do these things too, they represent a small fraction of the people involved in pornography or strip clubs.

Before I explain the reasons why your husband may have looked at pornography let me give you an illustration of how most men’s sexuality works.

Have you ever been to new restaurant with your husband? You come into the restaurant and even if you were not hungry before you came in, you will be hungry as soon as you smell all that great food.

You sit down with your husband and look over this great menu. Almost everything in it looks delicious, except for a few dishes that have things you know you don’t typically like. You narrow the dishes on the menu down to your top three, based on what favorite things you normally like. Then the final decision is made and you order.

When your food comes, the dish tastes just a great as you imagined. Your taste buds are singing and the part of your brain that gets pleasure from eating your favorite food is firing. After you have had your fill, you sit back satisfied and content.

You and your husband sit and talk for an hour, just having a good time together. Then you see the woman across from you order one of the other dishes you had your eye on but did not pick. It smells delicious. You almost wish you could put try a bite of it. Then the man at the table next to you orders another of the dishes you thought about trying. Talk about torture!

Ladies that is EXACTLY how men come to sexuality. We notice other women, we smell their perfumes, and we notice their figures. Very similar to the pleasure you received from smelling and seeing that dish on the other persons table, is the way men receive pleasure from viewing other women.

the average man’s brain is sexually stimulated by visual cues and is built for variety…

Using functional MRI scans, researchers examined the brains of young men as they looked at pictures of beautiful women. They found that feminine beauty affects a man’s brain at a very primal level – similar to what a hungry person gets from a good meal or addict gets from a fix. One of the researchers said, “This is hard core circuitry. This is not a conditioned response.” Another concluded, “Men apparently cannot do anything about their pleasurable feelings [in the presence of beauty]”

Dr. Walt Larimore, MD – pg. 99 “His Brain, Her Brain”

Do some men look at porn because they have fallen out of love with their wife? Yes. Here are some reasons your husband might look at porn that have to do with your relationship:

  1. You turn him down for sex often. Most men don’t like to be turned away, and if a wife does it all the time, the porn becomes an easy outlet for his sexual needs.
  2. There is no sexual variety in your relationship. You never wear lingerie, he rarely sees you naked, or you always have sex in the same position and in the same place.
  3. You emasculate him. You are always nagging him, telling him how he fails all the time or how he does not make enough money, or how other men are better than him. You disrespect him or call him a child.

But what if none of the above things are an issue in your relationship. You have sex often, don’t turn him down, wear lingerie and there is variety in your sex life. You love him and respect him and don’t cut him down with your words. Why would any man under these circumstances look at porn?

These are the reasons why Christian men (and non-Christian men) look at pornography even when they have a great relationship with their wife:

  1. Men are visually wired for nudity. It has been proven in study after study that both heterosexual and homosexual men are visually wired. The only difference is that homosexual men are turned on my male bodies, while the vast majority of men that are heterosexual are wired to react to the female form. The same part of the brain that causes us to be hungry when we see our favorite food, or gives us pleasure from smelling our favorite foods is the part of the brain that gives men pleasure from viewing a woman’s body, whether clothed or unclothed.
  2. Men are naturally polygynous. Most men are wired for polygyny, while most women are wired for monogamy. While our modern society has laws against polygyny, God placed no such restriction on marriage. Many of the great Biblical Patriarchs had multiple wives and the Bible never condemns it. In fact in the Law of Moses he prescribes how polygynous relationships may occur. The Bible only condemned Kings from taking multiple wives from heathen nations, as they would lead the king’s heart astray. This happened with King Solomon.

So am I saying it is OK that your husband has looked at pornography?

It depends on what he was looking at.  If he was just looking at pictures of naked women – that is not wrong.  Even if he was just looking at pictures of a man and woman engaged in normal heterosexual sex – that is not sinful behavior.

It is a sin for a man or a woman to look at photographs or film of people having sex outside God’s design for sex(homosexual sex, group sex, rape, bestiality). We are to derive pleasure from imagining these kinds of acts, and we should not be deriving pleasure from photos or movies with these kinds of acts in them.

Please don’t misunderstand me – I am not saying that it is wrong for a Christian to watch a movie or TV show that has a rape scene or a homosexual couple engage in sex.  If this just a small part of a larger story there is no issue with that. The question is are we watching this movie to get pleasure from seeing someone raped? Are we watching this movie to get pleasure from seeing a couple engaged in homosexual acts? If not then it can be acceptable to view these films.

Even if a man or woman does look at pornography as I have defined it above this is not mental adultery or mental unfaithfulness. Mental adultery is when a man covets (that is what the Biblical word lust is translating in English) another man’s wife, or if a married woman covets any man other than her husband. Coveting is not the same as being sexually attracted to, or aroused by someone of the opposite sex. Coveting in the heart, or lusting in the heart, is the fantasy to possess that other person. Thinking about ways to get them to have sex with you, whether you act on it or not.

Every person that has ever committed the adultery, coveted (lusted after) the person first. They entertained thoughts of how they would do it, and then they did the deed. That is what Jesus was addressing in Matthew 5.

So what should I do about my husband looking at porn?

I have explained the reasons why your husband may have looked at porn and why looking at porn as I defined it earlier is sin. But shaming your husband is the worst thing you can do. Calling him a pervert will do nothing to help your marriage.

Gently helping your husband to understand that it is a sin to watch films that depict sexually immoral acts is wrong. You also need to humbly ask if there is anything you could do to help improve your sex life.

But realize, you could have the best sex life in the world and your husband may still be drawn to look at other women.

He can meet this need for a variety of women by looking at nude photos of women and erotic films that do not depict people engaging in sexual activity that is outside God’s design for sex.

Let’s take the restaurant analogy again and apply this to men. You and your husband just had the greatest sex you have had in a long time. After a while you and your husband decide to go out to dinner. Just after you sit down, two beautiful women sit down across from your table. Then a beautiful woman and her husband sit on the other side of you.

You may not realize it, but your husband is fighting not to check out those women, he will sneak a glance when he can. With every glance he sneaks, he receives pleasure. Chemicals(dopamine) are firing in his head. It makes no sense to you, because he just had great sex so why would he still be drawn to look?

But your husband getting pleasure from checking out those other women is EXACTLY like the pleasure you get from looking at other people’s plates of food, and enjoying the aroma of those wonderful foods, even after just eating a great meal.

I totally realize that many Christian women (and non-Christian women) at this point are throwing things at the computer screen as I say these things.

But everything I have said is the truth of how men work. It also true that the Bible does not condemn a man looking at women other than his wife, and it does not condemn people looking at nudity or allowing themselves to have sexual fantasies and sexual imagination as long as they are not imagining evil things like homosexuality, group sex, rape and bestiality.

I am not advocating that it is ok to go around nude everywhere (that is a separate subject), but there is a time and place for nudity and erotica. Check out Song of Solomon, and lookup the symbolism of many of the words that are there in the word of God. If someone drew on paper what is being described in Song of Solomon, you would have some very erotic pictures.

Conclusion and Application

There are two choices before you:

Choice 1

You recognize your hurt, but realize that you were probably mistaken about your husband. He still loves you, he still thinks you’re hot. He is man, and as man God wired him for sexual variety. He just needs to get away from the porn and into something that is not sinful, but yet still lets him feed his need for variety.

Ask him how you could improve your sex life, and what things he would like to do different and do it!

Choice 2

You reject everything I have said here. You reject that men are wired for variety. You remain angry at your husband forever wanting to look at or be turned on by the sight of any other woman than you.

You may even get him to make a commitment to not look at any images of other women. But instead, he will just lie to you to get you off his back, and then he will find better ways to hide it.

He may even feel guilty because of how it makes you feel, and because of the lies that have been told about what lusting is in the Bible for centuries. But in the end, every man is drawn to the female form (unless he is a homosexual). Eventually he will gravitate back towards it. The question is will he ever find out there is a better way, that he can view naked women, just not people fornicating.

The choice is yours ladies.

Related Resources

What does the Bible say about Lust?

Is Sexual arousal lust?

Is it normal for man not to cum?

Couple Arguing In Bed

This is a question that has bothered quite a few women.  For a woman who actually cares about pleasing her husband this can be devastating.

First let me address the word “cum”. It can have two meanings.  The first meaning of the word cum is when a man or woman has an orgasm. The second meaning of the word can refer to the actual fluid that ejects from a man’s penis when he has an orgasm.

Some Christians may think it is wrong to use the word cum, but I ask why? Is it a derogatory term toward men or women? The answer is no.  And when you are having sex with your spouse, it’s a whole lot more sexy to say “I am cumming!” instead of “I am having an orgasm, or I am ejaculating”.

So now let me try to answer(from a guys point of view) whether it is normal for man not to cum (and I will address both meanings of the word).

The answer is yes and no.  If a man never cums – then that is not normal.

Unlike women, men usually have a visual display of their orgasm when they eject semen from their body as they climax.  For reproductive purposes this gives the sperm in the semen a better fighting chance of getting to the woman’s egg.

The “yes” answer is that normally a man should cum.  The “no” answer is that sometimes, a man may not cum.

These are a few reasons a man may not cum:

1. He has masturbated several times before you had sex(he only has so much seminal fluid and then it takes time for his body to make more).

2. He had sex(with you) already that same day.

3. He is stressed about something or is not feeling well.

4. Normal part of aging process(this may happen more with older men 50’s and up).

But can a man still have an orgasm without seminal fluid coming out?

This is a question that many ladies may ask – can a man have an orgasm without seminal fluid coming out? So in essence cum without the cum(orgasm without ejaculation)?  Absolutely! I have had this happen to me during sex the few times in my marriage that my wife and I have had sex like 3 times in a 24 period, total orgasm with absolutely nothing coming out.  And actually the ejaculation(same muscle movements) still occur, it’s just there is no fluid to push out.

How often should this happen(where he does not cum) before a wife should be concerned?

Ladies – If this happens with your husband occasionally(like maybe 10 to 20 percent of time) you have nothing to worry about.

If however it happens more than 20 percent of time – there may be some other issues.

I want to divide these into issues you don’t need to worry about as a woman, and those issues you should worry about:

Reasons a man may have a difficult timing cumming that a wife does not need to worry about:

1. It may just be blood flow issue and he can see the doctor about getting on ED medication.

2. If it is stress from work, or some other psychological issue than try to encourage your husband to seek out professional counseling.

Reasons a wife should be concerned about her husband not cumming:

If you have ruled out the two reasons I gave above then we have to get into the more concerning areas. The first is pornography.  But ladies please be careful on this one, too many women jump to this conclusion way too fast when there are issues in the bedroom, so tread lightly.

Yes – from a Biblical perspective it is wrong to watch two people who are not married having sex(fornicating).

But while it is sin, it an easy sin for good Christian men to fall into.  Also unless he is looking at it all the time(obsessively) it probably is not what is affecting him the bedroom. Men are wired for variety, and those who look at pornography I encourage to switch over to erotica.  I define erotica as drawings or paintings of people having sex, or photography of nude women(not having sex).  We are forbidden from viewing images or film of actual people committing fornication or adultery and most photographic images and film are one of those two things.

But the viewing of the naked female body(or male body for by a woman), and deriving pleasure from the mental images of it is not sin.

Another reason though that married men may seek out pornography.  One of the big reasons is that their wives rarely let them see them naked, nor do their wives use their nakedness to arouse their husbands.  There are many couples who have sex in the dark all the time, and this is not good for a man.  He needs to view his wife’s nakedness, he is wired for it.

Men also seek out pornography when they are not getting to have sex very often with their wife, or when they feel their wife will just turn them down.  It is easier to just pull up some porn, and take care of his sexual need.

I realize for many women this entire concept is hard to understand, but if you have found that your husband has been viewing pornography you need to be careful how you approach this with your husband, and make sure you are doing everything you can to meet your husband’s sexual needs.

The other concerning reason your husband may be having issues with cumming is because he is having an affair.  This is the absolute worst case scenario and no woman should jump to this conclusion first.  All other reasons should be exhausted first.  Most of the time this is not the reason for man not being able to cum as often.

How should a wife handle it when her husband does not cum?

With utter gentleness.  If your husband has an orgasm but no ejaculate there should be no cause for concern (unless as I said above it happens all the time). But even if he does not have an orgasm, it is up to him whether he wants to keep going and he should not be pressured to have an orgasm.  Don’t make him feel bad, don’t display frustration with him.  Just love him and cuddle up to him and let him know everything is fine.

Conclusion

Ladies don’t beat yourself up if your husband does not always have seminal fluid come out, or even if he does not always have an orgasm.  You may feel like you failed, but if he is ok then you can rest easy(the same way you might be with him if you don’t have an orgasm every time).  Now there are some issues as I said you may need to seek counseling about, if this happens all the time.  It could be excessive masturbation on your husband’s part where he has nothing left for you and that would need to be dealt with.  But if it only occurs 20 percent of less of the time(so maybe 1 out of 5 times) you should not worry.