Sex is a need, not just a want

SexIsANeed

Do human beings need sex or just want sex? Some people believe that sex is nothing more than a desire or want.  After all – no one ever died from not having sex.

But the truth is there are many needs that we have as human beings that if they go unmet my not result in our death.

Most human beings need to be around other people.  If you were to take most people and remove them from all human contact it would eventually make them go crazy.

No one one would argue with that fact that women have the need to emotionally connect with their husbands.

But for some reason when it comes to sex – we somehow tend to set that aside as want, rather than a need.

I heard this saying about sex:

“While no one ever died from not having sex, many marriages have died from not having sex”.

What a true statement – let that sink in.

Human beings, both men and women need sex. The way we approach sex as men and women may be very different, but sex is a need regardless.

God identifies sex with the basic needs of food, clothing and shelter in Exodus 21:10-11:

“If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish. And if he do not these three unto her, then shall she go out free without money.” – Exodus 21:10-11 (KJV)

If you were wondering, the “duty of marriage” literally means “conjugal rights”, or right to sex. The only people who do not have a need for sex are those whom God has given the gift of celibacy for his service (like the Apostle Paul).

God reiterates this fact in I Corinthians and makes sure we know that obviously sex is a need not just for women, but also for men:

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

I Corinthians 7:3-5 (KJV)

The one exception to sex being a need is if a man or woman is given the gift of celibacy as opposed to the gift of sex.

Conclusion

Christian husband do you see giving your wife sex as something that is just as important as making sure she is feed and clothed?

Christian wife do see that your husband needs sex with you as much as he needs food? If God calls sex a need, then we ought to regard it as such.

Does the Bible talk about romantic love in marriage?

FlowersSex1

I wanted to introduce you all to a new site that I think readers of my blog would like – this post came from this new site at: http://restoringchristiansexuality.com/does-the-bible-talk-about-romantic-love-in-marriage/

Just a WARNING though to my readers – this site features full nudity both in its discussion of sexual issues as well as galleries.  If you don’t want to see nudity – don’t go to this site.  But it links to a lot of great sites, including this blog.

Check it out!

 

Masturbation can help to keep your sexual purity

group of casual people smiling isolated over a white background

I realize the idea that masturbation can help keep your sexual purity seems like an oxymoron. In fact at most churches Christians are taught just the opposite, that masturbation causes them to have impure thoughts and the act itself is a sin. But masturbation is not a sin, and it can help keep you sexually pure.

I am a born again Christian, a Bible believing Christian. I am married, and I have a wife to have sex with. I wrongly thought when I was a young Christian teen that all this sexual temptation would go away as soon as I was married. Let me tell you Christian friends, it does not. In fact after you have had the real thing (sex with a woman), it can get worse.

I agree with other Christians that we do face a battle against sexual temptation. Where we disagree is where that battle is and what tools God has given us to wage that battle.

I agree with anti-masturbation Christians that we must war against thoughts of having premarital sex or adulterous sex. That means if I even think of how I could get a single woman into bed, or a married woman into bed (that I am not married to) that is what Jesus Christ called “lusting after a woman” in Matthew chapter 5. From this point forward I will refer to anti-masturbation Christians as AMCs.

Where the disagreement comes in is about sexual arousal, sexual fantasy and masturbation. AMCs believe all three of these things are the enemy, and we must war against them. I believe these are a tool, to keep us from truly sinning.

If we understand God’s boundaries that we cannot think of luring someone into premarital or adulterous sex then we need a tool to get rid of the sexual tension that most people face. The only people who do not face sexual tension are those whom God has given the gift of celibacy, they are basically asexual and do not have a sex drive, but this is a very small percentage of the population.

Your body needs a physical sexual release

Your body needs a natural sexual release, especially if you are a male (but many women do as well). Approximately every 72 your sperm ducts fill up and hormones are sent through your body tell you need a release. Anti-masturbation advocates will tell you God’s tool for release is nocturnal emissions, otherwise known as wet dreams. So somehow it is ok for your mind to subconsciously think about having sex with a woman, which causes you to ejaculate in your sleep, but if you consciously had the same thoughts about her that would be sin? I don’t think that AMCs have clearly thought this out.

While women do not have sperm ducts that fill up like men, they do have hormones that release once a month around the time they ovulate. These hormones in essence make them horny, so that if they were married they would want to have sex with their husband when they are fertile. This is the only reason the human race has survived.  So while a woman may not need to masturbate every other day like a man, she may only need to masturbate one week a month around the time of her ovulation.

You mind needs sexual release too

I have seen some well-meaning Christian web sites that recognize the fact that human beings need regular sexual release, whether they are married or single. But because they cannot let go of church tradition, and actually see that lust is more than being sexually aroused or having sexual fantasy, they must still condemn that. So basically they tell people that they have to masturbate with no sexual thoughts whatsoever.

Let me tell you, I tried this a few times when I used to believe the way they did, and man is it brutal to try and masturbate without any sexual images in your head, or in front of you. You seriously feel like you are only partially relieved when you are done.

The reason is that our sexual release is supposed to be both a physical AND mental release for it truly give us relief. I am not sure what a woman needs to think about(since I am not a woman), but I know for sure that a man needs to think of a hot naked woman while he masturbates to truly relieve both his mind and his body of the sexual tension that has built up.

How AMCs brutalize young single men with their teachings

I remember what it was like to be a young single Christian person (20 years ago) and I understand the great sexual stress these people face. In fact I think the doctrines of AMCs are the most brutal when it comes to Christian singles.

You are told as Christian single to just concentrate on other things, put your sexual frustrations out of your mind. As young men, you are told to “bounce your eyes” anytime an attractive woman walks by. Basically if Christian men truly followed these teachings they would have to walk around everywhere looking at the ground. This is utterly ridiculous.

Other times Christian men are taught that they need to train their minds not look at women as sexual objects. Then they can look at women with no sexual arousal because they see them as a “person” and not as a “sex object”. Again if any single Christian man is reading this, if he is being honest with himself, he knows this a bunch of bologna.

I teach my teenage sons not to look at woman as ONLY objects of sexual pleasure. What that means is, there is nothing wrong with my sons accepting the fact that God wired their brains to receive sexual pleasure from just the site of a beautiful woman. She does not have to touch them, talk to them or even know they exist. Just the sight of a beautiful woman sends off pleasurable signals in a man’s mind.

It just so happens that for men, the same part of the brain that gives them pleasure from smelling their favorite foods or makes them hungry from seeing a food commercial on TV is the part that gives them pleasure from seeing a beautiful woman, whether on TV, in a magazine, or in real life.

If you are a woman – you don’t have that wiring so it will be hard for you to understand, you sexual wiring is completely different than a man’s. But if you want to roughly understand how many get pleasure just from the sight or scent of a woman, then imagine how you receive pleasure from smelling your favorite foods, or seeing a commercial for your favorite food and you partially understand how men work in this area.

But what I teach my son’s is that women are both people and objects of sexual pleasure for a man. I realize that may be very hard for many Christians, especially women to understand. Women don’t understand that many times men are objects for them as well, but men are a different kind of object for women.

For women, men are objects of physical and financial security. Women want a man who will be able to protect them and provide for them, it is built into their nature. A man’s intelligence, his ambition, his strength and assertiveness is what attracts a woman to him.

The only difference with a woman objectifying a man is that usually she has to get to know him a bit to discover if he has the qualities she desires. This is why women typically are not attracted to weak willed, unintelligent and unsuccessful men. It is true that there are many more things to a man’s personality, but these things are minimum things most women look for.

So with my daughter, I would teach her there is nothing wrong with her seeing men as objects of physical and financial security, but that she also needs to see them as people too.

So in summary – I don’t want my son’s to be whoremongers who ONLY see women as objects of sexual pleasure and I don’t want my daughter to be a gold digger who only sees men as a paycheck. But there is nothing wrong with my son’s seeing women BOTH as objects of sexual pleasure and as people, and there is nothing wrong with my daughter seeing men as BOTH objects of physical and financial security and as people as well.

Your sexual nature has no off switch

But what AMCs do, is ask you to reprogram your mind from how God designed you as a young man to be. They treat your sexual nature as one and the same with your sin nature and that is not Biblically true. God gave you a sexual nature, and he did not design you with an off switch until you get married, it only has an on switch and it turns on during puberty and never turns off for the rest of your life.

There are only two ways to relieve sexual tension

The only two ways to truly relieve sexual tension both physically and mentally is masturbation or sex with another person. Married sex (between a man and woman) is the only kind of sex between persons that God honors.

How a Single Christian person can keep themselves sexually pure by masturbating

At the end of this post I will supply a link to an article I wrote with refuting all the arguments that people try and use (even with Bible verses) against masturbation. I highly encourage you to read it. But once you read the Bible and understand there is not guilt, or shame in masturbating this is how masturbation can keep you sexually pure.

Feel free to appreciate the women around you. God made your mind able to get pleasure from women’s beauty in the same way he made your nose able to get pleasure from smelling your favorite foods. The boundary that God has set for you is that you do not start fantasying in your head about how you could approach this woman to have sex with you outside of marriage.

When you need to, masturbate to images of beautiful women whether only in your mind or pictures you have found. I wrote an entire article on Christians and nudity as well. Please see that at the end of this post. The boundary God has placed on you viewing nudity is that you cannot derive pleasure by looking at “bad porn”.

Bad porn is any photo, or film of people engaged in homosexual sex, group sex, rape sex or bestiality as all these things violate God’s design of heterosexual sex.

But there is absolutely no sin in you as a man enjoying paintings or pictures of nude women or even couples engaged in normal heterosexual sex as God designed it. You were wired by God to think about and appreciate the female form, and to think about and appreciate the thought of heterosexual sex.  This is why photos of heterosexual sex bring you so much pleasure – they are a thought put to paper – its like an instant lifelike painting.

As a man, when you look at images of beautiful women, or imagine that beautiful woman walking down the street, you relieve BOTH you mind and body of the sexual tension that has naturally built up. You will then be able to go about your normal life’s business (school, college or work) and not have to deal with this sexual stress.

Another way masturbation can keep you sexually pure as a single Christian is in your dating life. You may be finding yourself tempted to have premarital sex with your girlfriend or fiancé, and the best way to avoid this temptation is through masturbation. You can even masturbate with images of your girlfriend or fiancé in your head, or maybe you have a picture of her in a swim suit.

How a married Christian person can keep themselves sexually pure by masturbating

Single people might ask – why would you ever have to masturbate when you have an actual person that you can legally have sex with?

Well there are many reasons. Sometimes because of health reasons a couple may go long periods of time without being have to have sex. This is common for women with high risk pregnancies where the doctor may forbid sexual intercourse for a time (of course there are alternatives to intercourse). Other times a husband may be in the military and away from his wife for many months at a time.

Then there are sex drive differences between men and women. Sometimes masturbation can be a great equalizing tool to take the edge off.

Masturbation can keep married people sexually pure by allowing them to release that sexual tension before they would go and do something truly sinful. Perhaps a woman rarely has orgasms through intercourse with her husband and they have tried everything else, masturbation can keep her in check and keep her from be tempted to stray.

The same goes for a man. Maybe his wife routinely sexually denies him (which she should not do) and he is being tempted to seek out a woman at work or a prostitute for sexual relief. Masturbation can keep him in check when these thoughts and feelings arise.

Conclusion

Contrary to the teachings of AMCs, masturbation is not the enemy of Christians. It is an ally to keep them from truly sinning. It can help Christians to remain sexually pure.

Related Posts

https://thegiftofsex.com/2014/04/25/is-masturbation-wrong-for-a-christian/

https://thegiftofsex.com/2014/04/18/what-does-the-bible-say-about-lust/

https://thegiftofsex.com/2014/05/03/what-is-the-biblical-view-of-nudity/

https://thegiftofsex.com/2014/05/12/the-false-teachings-of-every-mans-battle/

Why Porn is not bad for Christians or anybody else

Is sex a gift or a burden for Christians?

Photo of smiling man giving a present to pensive young woman

Sex is a gift of God, and not unlike God’s gift of salvation, God meant for us to accept and use this gift.  And also like God’s gift of salvation, many people refuse to open or fully use the gift of sex that God has given them.

But what about the gift of celibacy?

It is true that some men and women are given the rare gift of celibacy. It is impossible to have both the gift of celibacy and the gift of sexual desire at the same time, either you have one or the other as these two gifts would be contradictory toward one another.

Christ talked about celibacy in book of Matthew:

11 But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given.
12 For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother’s womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.

Matthew 19:11-12(KJV)

Paul speaks of his celibacy here as a gift that not all people have:

7 For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.

I Corinthians 7:7(KJV)

In both instances, whether Christ is speaking in Matthew or through the words of his Apostle Paul, Celibacy is seen exactly the same. It is a gift of God. Christ talks about men being born that way, in other words asexual, with no sex drive whatsoever.  Some men were made that way by other men (literally having surgery performed to their genitals) but others made themselves Eunuchs (celibate) for the Kingdom of God.

We must be clear though – that as Christ said, this is something given by God.

What is the gift of celibacy to be used for?

Celibacy is to be used in the service of God.  This is clear from both Matthew and I Corinthians.  People who choose to be celibate for selfish reasons, so they don’t have to put up with spouse or children are missing the point of Biblical celibacy.

Celibacy is the exception to God’s command, not the norm

God’s commands regarding marriage and sexuality are found in these passages:

26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

Genesis 1:26-28

God’s first command to the first man and woman was to have sex! How else can you be fruitful and multiply without having sex? Some Christians over the centuries have tried to argue that sex, or least sexual pleasure came about after the fall, not before the fall.  But nowhere in the entirety of the Scriptures is this idea supported and it is a completely false doctrine.

God’s norm is for man and woman to marry, and have children together, lots of children. The gift of celibacy has been rarely given by God, and provides an exception to his command to be fruitful and multiply.  It in no way, diminishes marriage, or sexuality.
Where is sex called a gift of God?

Even by the God of thy father, who shall help thee; and by the Almighty, who shall bless thee with blessings of heaven above, blessings of the deep that lieth under, blessings of the breasts, and of the womb:

Genesis 49:25(KJV)

Breasts in the scriptures refer to two things.  They can refer to the motherly nurturing of children, but they can also refer to the sexuality of woman, or to sexuality in general. In the case of Genesis 49:25, Jacob is giving a blessing to his son Joseph, and telling him of all the ways God would bless him. Breasts refer to a women’s sexuality (and yes they were polygynous, so he was not talking about one wife – Jacob, the man who blessed Joseph here, had 4 wives). The womb, here referred to his wife(s) having many children.

The sexual blessings of a woman’s breasts are also addressed in Proverbs 6:

18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.
19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.

Proverbs 5:18-19(KJV)

Again in I Samuel we see wives (yes plural) as gifts from God:

7 And Nathan said to David, Thou art the man. Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, I anointed thee king over Israel, and I delivered thee out of the hand of Saul;
8 And I gave thee thy master’s house, and thy master’s wives into thy bosom, and gave thee the house of Israel and of Judah; and if that had been too little, I would moreover have given unto thee such and such things.
9 Wherefore hast thou despised the commandment of the LORD, to do evil in his sight? thou hast killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword, and hast taken his wife to be thy wife, and hast slain him with the sword of the children of Ammon.

I Samuel 12:7-9(KJV)

In I Samuel we see that God, speaking directly through his prophet Nathan, tells David of all the wonderful blessings and gifts God had given David. He gave him all of Saul’s possessions, as well as his wives. Yet even though God had given David many wives, he went and stole the one wife of one his greatest servants and had him murdered.

David’s sin was not in having sexual desire, or many wives, or even wanting another wife. His sin was not even in appreciating Bathsheba’s beauty, but it was in his covetous thoughts which eventually led him to adultery and then murder.

Often times I will talk about differing between sexual desire, arousal and lust (which is covetousness). I have stated many places on this blog, that simple sexual arousal by the site of a beautiful woman, whether married or unmarried is not sin.  I stand by that statement.

However I think it is worthwhile to note that one must still be careful when it comes to married women, especially if those married women are women we work with, or we know or have regular access to. While it is not a sin to become aroused by their beauty, if we do not control that arousal, if we become obsessed, then it can quickly lead to lustful (covetous) thoughts which are then sinful.

Finally I won’t quote from the Song of Songs, but the entire book illustrates how a man and woman’s bodies are gifts to each other from God.  They go part, by part, examining how much of a gift their bodies are to one another.

These passages all demonstrate that sex is truly a gift from God, not a curse or a burden.

Since a gift is something that is freely given, can’t a couple decide not to open it?

While it is true that a gift is something that is freely given, and also freely received, sometimes there are consequences to us not receiving and using gifts.

In the matter of salvation, God freely offers us the gift of salvation through his Son, Jesus Christ. We have the choice to open and fully accept Christ in our hearts and lives, or to reject him. If we reject God’s gift of salvation, then one day we will stand before the judgment, having nothing to cover our sins and we will be cast into hell.

In marriage sex works very much the same way. While not having sex will not kill any person, not having sex often times kills a marriage. I completely reject Christian programs whether in books or in print that encourage married couples to go 60 and sometimes 90 days or more without having sex.

Paul is clear, that sex should only be withheld for a SHORT TIME, and only by mutual consent:

3 The husband should meet his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should do the same for her husband. 4 The wife doesn’t have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband doesn’t have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Don’t refuse to meet each other’s needs unless you both agree for a short period of time to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come back together again so that Satan might not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

I Corinthians 7:3-5(CEB)

Even within the context of a polygynous relationship, God made sure to protect the sexual rights of a man’s wives when he took other wives:
10 If he takes to himself another woman, he may not reduce her food, her clothing, or her conjugal rights.

Exodus 21:10(NASB)

Some Christian programs fail to recognize that sex was a critical part of God’s design for marriage. Asking a couple not to have sex for 60 to 90 days simply for the sake of “working on the marriage”  is like asking a couple to work on their marriage by not talking to each other for 60 to 90 days.

While I don’t agree with everything in the book, I think a great Christian book that argues for more sex to help improve marriages rather than less sex is found here:

http://thesexperiment.com/about-sexperiment

There is no arguing with that fact that God has given us sex as a gift, and it is a gift that he commands to be opened (“be fruitful and multiply” and “let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love”).
But what about Military couples or others who are forced to be apart for long lengths of time?

There are sometimes that a couple may have to be physically apart due to HIS occupation. I do not agree with a woman having a job or a career that takes her away from the home for any length of time. A woman’s place is in the home, take caring of her family and supporting her husband in his career.

However some men are called to military service or other important endeavors that will sometimes separate them from their wives. We need to make sure that the reasons for these things are just and right.

For instance some men may be truck drivers and have to be away for weeks or a month at a time. Still others may be pilots that are away for a week or so at a time. Business men may have to travel often.
The military is the most noble of occupations that requires distances between married couples. My heart goes out to every married military couple that has to deal with this issue.

In these cases, or sometimes becomes of medical reasons, sex has to stop. Does this mean the couple does not still have a marriage? Of course not. But even though they cannot physically consummate their sexual love, they need to communicate with one another their desire to do so as soon as they possibly can.

Sex after being apart for a while can be fantastic! I have experienced this with my wife after travelling for business. But does that mean we should purposefully abstain even when we are together for the thrill of waiting? I think not. The Scriptures do not support such behavior except for short times of prayer and fasting and it has to be my mutual consent of both parties.

But since sex is temporary, is it really that important?

Some Christians throughout the centuries have tried to present sexuality as a curse or as a burden to born in this life.  Still others try to say that since it is temporary, that we must not to place a high value in it, especially within the context of marriage.

I would ask these people these questions then:
1.    Since raising children is temporary and for this world only, is it unimportant that we do our best in being good parents to our children?
2.    Since the parent child relationship is temporary, does it matter if we look after the welfare our parents in their old age?
3.    Since our jobs in this world are temporary, why does it matter how well we perform at them?
4.    Aside from sexuality being temporary, marriage is also temporary and for this world. So why does it matter how good of a spouse we are if marriage is temporary?
5.    Nations are temporary, God will one day do away with all of them. So why does it matter how good of citizens we are, or what positive influence we play in our society?

The reality is that many of the things in this world are temporary and will pass away, the Bible makes this clear in several passages. While on the one hand, the Bible warns us not to become ensnared or overpowered by temporary things of this world, on the other hand it commands us to live in this world and be a part of it.

God commands us to be good parents.
God commands us to be good citizens.
God commands us to be good employees.
God commands us to be good spouses – and part of being a good spouse is making full use of the gift of sex that God has given us. So in essence, we are commanded to be the best lover to our spouse that we can be.  What are best is will be different for each person, but regardless we are commanded to do our best toward our spouse within our marriage.

Conclusion

I have not talked a lot about the difference between sexual desire and the physical act of sex between a man and woman here.  But you will find many posts on this site that do help to make that distinction.
I will simply say this about sexual desire.  Sexual desire is no different than the desire for food. God could have given us no sense of smell, and no visual attraction to food whatsoever. But he did give us this desire, and it is not only meant for us to eventually eat, but also to enjoy in the moments or hours before we eat.

In the same way, sexual desire is given as a gift to be enjoyed before we actually physically have sex with another person within the bounds of marriage. It is the same as picturing how great your wife’s meatloaf will be when you get home from work.  You can just imagine the smell of it, the look of it and the taste of it.

The entire book of Song of Songs is entirely about sexual anticipation, sexual desire.
I will demonstrate time and time again on this blog that it is not wrong for single people to experience and enjoy sexual desire for someone of the opposite sex, or even to masturbate after being aroused. Just do a search on the home page for masturbation and you will find articles on this subject.

I hope you will check out many of the other posts on this site that go into more detail on various issues of sexuality from a Christian perspective. I also hope you will at least come away from this post knowing firmly in your heart, that sex is a gift from God and not a curse. Sex is a gift that is meant to be opened and enjoyed.

My husband never performs oral sex on me

Detail_of_Édouard-Henri_Avril_(23)

You’re frustrated and upset. Why would he not do something that is so easy to do and gives you so much pleasure?

What you are asking for is natural and normal

Let me first start off by saying there is nothing unnatural, or perverted or selfish about you wanting your husband to perform oral sex on you. Men have been performing oral sex on their wives for thousands of years. The image below is an ancient drawing in Pompeii.

Pompeii_-_Terme_Suburbane_-_Apodyterium_-_Scene_IV

So now that you understand your need for your husband to perform oral sex on you is completely normal, let’s look at the reasons why he might not be doing it.

These are a few of the reasons men either stop performing oral sex (otherwise known as Cunnilingus).

  1. You don’t perform oral sex on him (otherwise known as Fellatio).
  2. You don’t keep yourself clean down there.
  3. You have never told him you would like it.
  4. You have stopped him from going down there when you are near your period.
  5. You don’t have sex with him as often as he would like.
  6. He doesn’t want to because he thinks it is unmanly
  7. He thinks you should be completely satisfied with his penis in intercourse.
  8. Some men have been taught oral sex is unchristian

You don’t perform oral sex on him

You can’t expect someone to do something for you, that you are not willingly to do for them. It is the height of hypocrisy. So if you realize that you are not doing this for him, then you need to.

You don’t keep yourself clean down there

When it comes to sex, and ESPECIALLY oral sex, cleanliness truly is next to Godliness. Ladies make sure you are regularly making sure your vulva is clean. Ask him if he likes it better shaved or unshaved. I personally like public hair on my wife. It is sexy and natural and it is the mark of a woman. Realize though that keeping yourself clean does not mean you need to wipe out your female scent, for many men that is turn on.

You never told him you would like it

This is one a lot of women miss. They just assume their husbands should know they want oral sex performed on them. Well some guys are just dumb. For me personally it is a big turn on, and I wish my wife would let me perform oral sex on her more often. I know you are frustrated, but you need to keep your composure.

The first method of communication I would suggest is talking to your husband outside the bedroom in a kind and unthreatening way. Many men take great pride in their love making ability, and this can come as a great punch to the gut. So make sure you tread lightly.

The second method of communication I would suggest is in the bedroom. While you are having sex, tell him you would love him to “eat my pussy”. You could use nonverbal communication and try to gently push him down there.

You have stopped him from going down there when you are near your period.

Perhaps your husband used to perform oral sex on you, but there were a few times that you stopped him because you were near your period or on your period and you were worried about not being so fresh down there. That is a perfectly acceptable reason to stop him.

But you need to do it gently, and just give him a brief explanation that you are near or on your period. When you are done with your period you need to go out of your way to make sure he knows you are “open for business”.

You don’t have sex with him as often as he would like

Often times a man will pull back on the special things when you don’t have sex with him as often as he likes. Some women only get horny a few times a month, and on those few times they want all the stops pulled out. But they may not realize that they have been denying their husband, or just phoning it when he has needed more often than them.

Some men may consciously, or unconsciously withhold oral sex and other foreplay and go straight to intercourse with their wife to protest the lack of quantity of sex. You need to make sure you are meeting his needs for quantity, so that in turn maybe your need for quality will be met better.

He doesn’t want to because he thinks it is unmanly

This is one as a man I just don’t get. Pleasing your woman is bed is as manly as it gets. Short of a woman using a strap on and performing anal sex on her husband, I can’t really think of any other sex acts that a man should consider to be unmanly.

I will talk about how to handle situations like this shortly as my answer will be the same for these last few items.

He thinks you should be completely satisfied with his penis in intercourse.

This is simply a pride issue, nothing more, nothing less. He is not thinking what will really satisfy you or give you pleasure, he is thinking of what he wants you to feel.

Some men have been taught oral sex is unchristian

There are some churches, as well as some Christian families that teach their sons and daughters that oral sex is a sin. This is one of the most difficult obstacles to overcome. It is not easy to ask someone to do something against their conscious.

Conclusion and Suggestions

The first five reasons your husband might not be performing oral sex on you have to do with you. You need to make sure you are doing right, and clearly communicating to your husband what your needs are. You need to meet his sexual needs for frequency or oral sex before you can come to him with your needs.

But many women reading this post will be saying “But I have done EVERYTHING you have said, and he still does not do it!” So what do you do now?

You need to pray hard about what you do next. This is an issue I struggle with my wife about. These are your choices on how to handle this situation when it is clearly a problem in his court:

  1. If he likes oral sex and you have been performing it, then stop doing it. See how long it takes him to notice and when he asks tell him that if he is not willing to perform it on you, you are unwilling to perform it on him. I realize some may say this is an unloving act, but it is an act of tough love.
  2. If this is a religious conviction for him where he won’t let you even perform oral sex on him, then you may need to take a different approach. I would suggest trying take him to a Christian counselor who does not believe oral sex is wrong, and let them explain from the Scriptures why it is not wrong. If he is unwilling to go to a counselor, the use the verses on this site to go through and show him that oral sex is in fact in the book of Song of Solomon.
  3. If neither of the first two methods work just continue to pray for him. Believe me I know how frustrating this is, as I said I face the same issue with my wife. But as Christians this is not a legitimate grounds for divorce, as horribly frustrating as it may be.

The reality is that some of us are just sexually mismatched with the person we are married to. Some men and women have a much greater need for high quality, toe curling sex, while others just want to go in and do the deed and be done. We simply need to pray, pray, pray.

But then there is the sexual fantasy arena…

I have written on this site extensively on the subjects of nudity, masturbation and sexual fantasy. There is nothing wrong with you masturbating and imagining your husband performing oral sex on you, or looking at drawings or paintings of men performing oral sex on women. Looking at actual people can be pornography(which would be wrong), but there are a few sites that have married people performing oral sex so that would not be sin. I will be trying to post links to images I think would be ok for Christians in the coming months. Also there is nothing wrong with reading erotic novels that may describe oral sex and then masturbating to those things you are imagining.

I realize sexual fantasy is a far cry from the real thing, and it should never become something that makes you give up on trying to make your sex life better with your husband. But it can act as supplement, or band aid of sorts, for what is lacking in your sexual relationship with your husband.

Before you completely dismiss what I am saying about masturbation and fantasy and nudity please read this articles where I wrote extensively on these subjects:

What is the Biblical view of nudity

Is masturbation wrong for a Christian?

Is it wrong for a christian woman to masturbate?

Woman In Underwear Masturbating While Lying On Bed

Masturbation is not wrong, and it is not sinful for a Christian woman. In fact it is right and healthy for a Christian woman (as well as non-Christian women). Masturbation can be abused, or used in conjunction with sinful activity, but masturbation in and of itself is not a sin.

The two main reasons that Christian women may masturbate are:

  1. They are single (whether never married or divorced). Either way single women have sexual desire just like married women. Teenage women, and adult women have sexual needs that need to be met. Masturbation can provide relief without the woman engaging in premarital sex.
  2. Sometimes married women need to masturbate because their husbands are unable to give them orgasms during intercourse.

Some women simply have a hard time having an orgasm through intercourse. It is just a medical fact. Even after exploring all the possible physiological and physical issues it just is difficult for some women.

These same women don’t feel like asking their husbands every time they have sex to manually stimulate them or perform oral sex (but husbands should be willing to do this if asked). So at some point these women may go off on their own and masturbate to give themselves some relief. Some women don’t need this, or rarely need it, others need it almost every time.

There is no sin in this behavior. Ladies, I would just give a word of caution that you make sure you have tried everything first with your husband to try and have orgasms with him. Many women find, (and their husbands do as well) that when they both take the pressure off her to have an orgasm during intercourse she actually has one!

But even if you do have orgasms with your husband, it is not wrong to also masturbate on your own.

Conclusion and Application

It is not a sin to masturbate. Masturbation can be abused like anything else (including eating). But when done in a healthy way, and for the right reasons, masturbation can be a wonderful part of the gift of sexuality that God has given us.

I have covered the the subject of masturbation in much more detail in this article – Is masturbation wrong for a Christian?

Is masturbation wrong for a Christian?

Midsection Of Shirtless Man Holding Laptop In Bed

Masturbation is not wrong for a Christian, in fact it is right and healthy for a Christian (as well as non-Christians). Masturbation can be abused, or used in conjunction with sinful activity, but masturbation in and of itself is not a sin.

Let’s address the Onan in the room

In the Bible there is a character named Onan. He was one of the sons of Judah (a father of one of the twelve tribes of Israel. Onan broke God’s law and God struck him dead for it.

The law that Onan broke was the law of Leveratite marriage. Hundreds of years before God had Moses write the first written law of God, God’s law was known only through oral transmission, but his law was known.

The law of Leveratite marriage said that if a man married a woman, and then died before they had any son’s to bear his name and take over his property then one of his brothers would be required to marry her and give her a son. Her first born son would legally not be the son of the brother who married her, but he would be the heir of his sister-in-law’s dead husband. Any children they had together after that could be consider their children together.

Just as a side note, there is no exemption in the Law of Moses for if the brother already had a wife. The Old Testament did not forbid polygamy, it allowed it, and in the case of Levirate marriage it commanded it in the case of a brother already having a wife.

So with all that as backdrop here was the sin that Onan committed:

6 And Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, whose name was Tamar.

7 And Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the Lord; and the Lord slew him.

8 And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother’s wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.

9 And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.

10 And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also.

Genesis 38:6-10(KJV)

Judah’s first son was wicked (we are not told how) and God struck him dead. Then Judah commanded his second son Onan to go in to his sister-in-law, Tamar, and “raise up seed to thy brother”, a direct reference to Leveratite marriage. But he knew the child would not be his, and he did not want to give his brother an heir.

The next part is critical – the Bible says he “went in unto his brother’s wife” – this is a direct reference to sexual intercourse. The Bible typically uses two phrases to denote sexual intercourse – phrases like “he knew his wife” or “he went in unto his wife”. What Onan did here when he “spilled it on the ground”, was literally to pull out before ejaculating. This was not masturbation, it was pulling out.

Even if someone could try to show that he did masturbate (which the context clearly shows he did not), that was not the sin God struck him dead for. He was struck dead for violating the Law of Leveratite marriage and also for his attempted deception. He was willing to enjoy the pleasure of his brother’s wife, but he was not willing to fulfill his duty to give her a son.

There is no other passage in all the Bible that talks about a man spilling his seed. But that does not mean that many Christians throughout the centuries have not tried other routes to try and make masturbation a sin.

Aren’t we supposed to deny ourselves?

Some would make the argument that the very definition of masturbation is “self-gratification”, therefore it must still be sin. The Bible talks often about self-denial a lot. Here are few passages:

24 Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.

Matthew 16:24(NASB)

For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live.

Romans 8:13(KJV)

Let’s just take these two Bible passages as they are great examples to begin this discussion. In Matthew 16 Jesus is talking about the cost of following him while he was on earth. The disciples gave up their homes and everything they had to follow him. Is there some spiritual application as well?

Yes – God does call us to deny ourselves in his service, but what we are denying is our sinful nature. We are not called to deprive our body of food and water (except if we willingly decide we want to fast for a short time).

Not all the desires of the body are sinful, we hunger, we thirst, we desire sex, we desire to have children, we desire to work and have purpose in our lives. Any normal desire can become sinful, when we become unbalanced. We can become gluttons if we eat too much. We become whores when we sleep around and have sex outside of marriage. We become greedy when we work too much and neglect our families.

But what is “living after the flesh”?

In the Bible sometimes the flesh just means, the human body. The Bible says Christ came in the flesh, that he became flesh and dwelt among us. So there are many times when flesh does not have a negative connotation. But other times, “flesh” can be a euphemism for the sinful nature. Those things which we are tempted to do, which would violate God’s law. The Bible lists many of the sins of the flesh in this passage:

19 Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,

20 Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies,

21 Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.

Galatians 5:19-21(KJV)

I don’t see masturbation in that list – do you?

Augustine

It is one thing to lie together with the sole will of generating: this has no fault. It is another to seek the pleasure of flesh in lying, although within the limits of marriage, this has venial fault.

– St. Augustine, one of the most famous Ascetics in history

Asceticism

Asceticism occurred in Christianity as well as other cultures and religions around the world. Just think of monks, whether Christian or Hindu, other similar groups. Asceticism is the idea that by denying one’s self of all or most worldly pleasures, that one can attain a greater spiritual level. Christian monks believed it would bring them closer to God.

So they ate very simple foods, abstained from marriage and many other worldly pleasures. They even taught people who were not monks and who were married, that they should have sex only for procreation and then take vows of celibacy within marriage(yes that is totally crazy, but married couples did take vows of celibacy).

The Apostle Paul was fighting against asceticism rising up in the churches when he wrote these words:

8 See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the elemental spiritual forces of this world rather than on Christ…

20 Since you died with Christ to the elemental spiritual forces of this world, why, as though you still belonged to the world, do you submit to its rules: 21 “Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!”? 22 These rules, which have to do with things that are all destined to perish with use, are based on merely human commands and teachings. 23 Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.

Colossians 2:8 & 20-23(NIV)

Although the primary reason for the next passage from Paul was about his rights as an apostle, it also talks about the basic rights any man has:

4 Don’t we have the right to food and drink? 5 Don’t we have the right to take a believing wife along with us, as do the other apostles and the Lord’s brothers and Cephas?

I Corinthians 9:4(NIV)

The Spirit clearly says that in later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons. 2 Such teachings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron. 3 They forbid people to marry and order them to abstain from certain foods, which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and who know the truth. 4 For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, 5 because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer.

I Timothy 4:1-5(NIV)

It is unfortunate that right after the Apostles died the war against asceticism in the church was lost and many of the early church father’s came to embrace asceticism. This asceticism reigned supreme throughout the Catholic Church, and even when the Protestants came to question many Catholic teachings, they left much of the church’s asceticism intact.

When Paul talks about “in later times”, he was referring to his own time. Paul truly believed he was living in the last days before Christ’s return. He is talking about the asceticism that had already come into the church. He holds no punches and calls this out as evil and wicked.

I think a key phrase here can be found in I Timothy 4:4, when Paul says “For everything God created is good”. When God created man and woman in the Garden of Eden, as fully sexual beings, he called his creation “good”. Christian asceticism teaches men to treat their bodies “harshly”, it tells them to “touch not, handle not, taste” not. The problem is these are based on human tradition and not God’s Word. God has given us food, drink, sex and children, and the satisfaction of a hard day’s work for our own pleasure. These are not things to run from, they are things to embrace.

Now are some people, a few specially chosen people, called by God to live celibate lives as both Christ and Paul told us? Yes. But they are the exception, and not the norm. No person should embark on the celibate life without a lot of prayer and consideration to make sure they truly have the gift of celibacy.

The rest of us, the majority of us, do not have the gift of celibacy, but instead we have the gift of sex.

But isn’t sex reserved for marriage?

Yes and No. Yes – Sexual intercourse, oral sex or any other sex between a man and woman are reserved for marriage. Homosexuality and sex with animals is completely forbidden. But nowhere is the act of giving one’s self an orgasm forbidden anywhere in the Bible. This act used to be called masturbation and in recent times is called solo-sex.

As I said earlier, the false teachings of Christian Asceticism taught that God only created sex as a necessary evil for procreation. They taught that God only made sex for having babies and that was it.

But the truth is that God created our sex drive, and our subsequent ability to have an orgasm for these three reasons:

  1. Pleasure, and relaxation. Viewing the opposite sex, especially for men, can be very pleasurable. Having an orgasm can relieve stress and relax a person.
  2. In the context of marriage, sex goes even further than pleasure and relaxation, and draws a couple closer together. It helps them to express their love, it takes on a spiritual meaning in representing the oneness of Christ with his church.
  3. Also in the context of marriage, sex is meant for procreation. God never intended for couples to get married and purposefully never have children. While having children is certainly not the only reason for which God designed sex, it definitely is one of the primary purposes he had in mind.

Sex and Communion have something have in common?

Yep I said it and now I will back it up. The desire to have sex, and the desire to eat are either called “base” or “primal” urges. They actually originate in the same part of the brain. The same area of the brain that makes a man hungry when he sees an image of food he likes or smells food he likes is the same area that gives him pleasure when he sees a beautiful woman, or smells her perfume, or even natural scent.

Normally when we eat, it is to sustain us, but often times it is purely for pleasure (i.e. junk food). We try to choose foods we like, or we see or smell some food we would like to try and we eat it.

But when we take communion, it takes on a spiritual meaning. Yes we are still eating, but in communion this eating takes on a completely spiritual meaning. Here is a “base” operation of our body, being used to represent a beautiful spiritual symbol. It represents the unity of the church, as well as the remembrance of Christ’s broken body and shed blood for us.

In a similar way, sex in the context of marriage takes on a dual meaning. Communion only has one purpose, and that is to symbolize Christ’s sacrifice for us and the unity of his church. But sex (another “base” desire) has dual purposes and meanings. In one sense it is meant for physical pleasure and relaxation and also to draw us closer to our spouse. But it also has a second meaning, a spiritual meaning. In marriage it represents the unity of Christ and his church.

So how does this relate to masturbation?

The point is that masturbation is purely a physical expression of our sexuality, and it does not take on the dual meaning of sex within marriage. Basically masturbation is not much different than having a bowel movement.

The only difference between a bowel movement and masturbation is that masturbation not only relieves physical stress, but also helps to clear the mind as well.

Can masturbation be unhealthy or wrong?

Masturbation can be unhealthy or wrong under these circumstances:

  1. You are compulsively masturbating to the point that it interferes with your job or other interpersonal relationships.
  2. If it stops you from seeking out relationships and ultimately marriage to the opposite sex.
  3. If it interferes with intimacy in your marriage, or makes you somehow unable to perform sexually with your spouse.
  4. You are watching people looking at bad porn(group sex, homosexual sex, rape sex, violent sex, as opposed to normal heterosexual sex as God designed it).

What are healthy ways a Christian can masturbate?

The first thing to realize is that it is very difficult for many people, especially men, to masturbate without some sort of visual stimulation (either in print, or using some images in our mind). In fact it can be a down right grueling experience without these things.

Certain types of porn – those of just naked women or couples engaging in normal heterosexual sex as God designed it are an option. I realize what I just said probably made you fall out of your chair. Let me refer you to the topic Christian porn(porn that falls within Biblical boundaries) as discussed on a great Christian Porn site(one the only ones I know of):

The Difference between Good Porn and Bad Porn

Why Porn is not bad for Christians or anybody else

The Bible does talk about us not “uncovering the nakedness” of our close relatives. But this was a euphemism for incest. The Bible was forbidding sex between close relatives. There is also a famous story about Ham seeing his father Noah naked, but this was not a command about nakedness. The issue was that he was mocking his father’s nakedness after he got drunk, that was his sin.

But isn’t looking at nude pictures lust?

Biblically speaking lusting is thinking about possessing someone or something that does not belong to us. For instance if you look at a young woman and are sexually aroused by her, or imagine how she looks naked, there is no sin. Actually having sex with that young woman, is reserved for marriage. You cannot possess her sexually without first marrying her. To think thoughts of how to entice a young woman to have sex with you outside of marriage is a form of covetousness.

Even when viewing someone married to someone else, the sin is not in the arousal or the imagination of that person, it is in the coveting. If you begin to have covetous thoughts about how you may lure them to have sex with your or leave their husband you have sinned.

So yes it is healthy for you to masturbate using nude pictures, paintings or drawings, or even porn(that stays within the heterosexual bounds(one man, one woman), not group sex or homosexual sex).

I have pretty much have covered the issues surrounding how to masturbate in a healthy way. Now I want to cover healthy reasons why we should masturbate.

What are healthy reasons why we should masturbate?

  1. To relieve the various stresses of life, work and other issues (as long as it does make us remove ourselves from interpersonal relationships.)
  2. To make up for differences in sexual drive between a husband and wife. Even in a healthy marriage, there times when our sex drives just don’t measure up, but we don’t want to bother the other spouse. In these times it is ok to masturbate to balance out the differences in drive.
  3. When married couples are separated by long distances – a good example would be when men are in the military.
  4. For married men to fulfill their need for sexual variety. It is not wrong for a married man to view nude images (not fornicating images) of various women and masturbate.
  5. For single Christian men and women to avoid fornication. This is one of the biggest reasons young teens and adults should not be shamed for masturbating, but should in fact be encouraged to masturbate. Many a teen or young adult would not have had pre-marital sex if they felt masturbation was an acceptable alternative.

The four reasons I give above are primary reasons why we should masturbate. There is one other that I wanted to treat separately because it is more complicated. More often than not this issue affects women more than men. Some women simply have a hard time having an orgasm through intercourse. It is just a medical fact. Even after exploring all the possible physiological and physical issues it just is difficult for some women.

These same women don’t feel like asking their husbands every time they have sex to manually stimulate them or perform oral sex (but husbands should be willing to do this if asked). So at some point these women may go off on their own and masturbate to give themselves some relief. Some women don’t need this, or rarely need it, others need it almost every time.

There is no sin in this behavior. Ladies, I would just give a word of caution that you make sure you have tried everything first with your husband to try and have orgasms with him. Many women find, (and their husbands do as well) that when they both take the pressure off her to have an orgasm during intercourse she actually has one!

Conclusion and Application

It is not a sin to masturbate. Masturbation can be abused like anything else (including eating). But when done in a healthy way, and for the right reasons, masturbation can be wonderful part of the gift of sexuality that God has given us.

Is Sexual arousal lust?

Hamburger (2)

Biblically speaking, being sexual aroused is no more lust than it is to become hungry at the site of a food commercial on TV. Sexual arousal is not a curse, but a gift from God. Too many Christians and Churches throughout the centuries have treated sexual arousal as burden of the flesh to be overcome when it is not.

Food and Sex actually have a lot in common

Both food and sex are necessary for the continuation of the human race. If just a few of us stopped eating, then the human race would not die, but if we all stopped eating then the human race would eventually die. In the same way, while none of us would die from not having sex, the human race would go extinct if we all stopped having sex.

Another interesting parallel between sex and food is how variety affects pleasure. Let’s say your favorite food is a cheese burger from a local burger joint. If all you could eat was that burger from that restaurant, and never eat any burger from any other place, or any other food eventually you would become bored of that food. Would it sustain you? Yes. Would it give you the same pleasure it once did? No.

It is exactly the same when it comes to human sexual arousal. Having sex may give us some relief, but without variety it soon begins to lose its pleasure. That is why it is so important for Christian married couples to keep variety in their love lives. What that means for each couple will be different, but if you do things the same way every time your sex life will eventually become stale.

Read the rest of this article at Biblical Gender Roles website…

I Corinthians 7 and Paul’s admonitions about sex in marriage

If you have read many articles on this blog, you will notice I allude to I Corinthians 7 a lot so I decided to dedicate a post just to looking at this very important passage of scripture verse by verse.

I Corinthians 7:1-7(KJV)

Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.

Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment.

For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.

I am not a KJV only person by any means and you will see me quote from many translations of the Scriptures.  But I chose the KJV as our starting point.  I will give what is my understanding of each verse (based on other translations and commentaries as well as my own opinion).

7:1

Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.

When Paul says “to touch a woman”, he is actually talking about marriage – a reading of this passage will confirm that to be the case.  He is not saying that man is forbidden from holding a woman’s hand or hugging her (as I have heard many times growing up in conservative churches). He is talking about it is good for a man not to get married.  But before we jump on the celibacy band wagon let’s see what he has to say in its entirety.

7:2

Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.

Fornication Biblically speaking refers to sex outside of marriage. So Paul is saying to avoid having sex outside of marriage, people should get married.  Now here we go from him saying in verse 1 it is good for man not to marry, and then he seems to be saying everybody should get married to avoid fornication, but again we need to let him finish to get the full understanding of the passage.

7:3

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

“benevolence” literally comes from the Greek meaning of “kindness” or “good will”.  So it’s literally saying the husband should render due “kindness” to his wife, and she should do the same for him.  At this point all the ladies are saying – yeah! I just need to be kind to my husband and all is well.  Sorry to disappoint, but “benevolence” in this context is a loaded term, just as “touch” was a loaded term in verse 1.  I believe though that “kindness” does reflect the attitude with which we should follow Paul’s commands in the coming verses, God’s Word given through his prophets and Apostles is never by accident, every word matters.

7:4

The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

Verse 4 really smacks modern feminism right in the face. The key word of “power” means just that, power or authority. The wife has authority over her husband’s body and the husband has authority over the wife’s body.  Paul acknowledges that men and women may have strong sex drives at any given point with his equal reference to husbands and wives authority over each other’s bodies.

The idea that “it’s my body and I can do what I want with it” has no place before marriage or within marriage for a Christian. Before marriage as Christians our bodies are the temple of God (I Corinthians 6:19), he owns them.  And Ladies yes this refers to all the parts of the your body, not just your southern region. I am not advocating that a man should ever use force when it comes to sex with his wife, but a wife should in love offer her husband her whole body, including her breasts and even her mouth(oral sex).

After marriage, while God still maintains primary ownership of our bodies, he sublets them to our Spouses to have their needs met.

Verse 4 is also the reason that husbands should listen to their wives in how they dress and how they keep their appearance.  For instance I keep my hair cut and my beard trimmed the way my wife likes it. If she wanted me to shave my goatee I would, but she likes it that way.  I wear the clothes my wife likes to see me in and I lovingly call her my fashion adviser.

This concept equally applies to wives. Ladies you should dress to please your husband, and apart from wearing something that you believe would be immoral, you should do as your husband asks.  Ladies that includes in the bedroom wearing lingerie your husband would like, and in the privacy of your own bedroom I can’t think of anything that would be immoral to wear.

7:5

Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

Now the rubber meets the road. Up to this point Paul has spoken of “due benevolence” and then about power over one another’s bodies in marriage.  Now he speaks in terms of fraud. To deny one another of the things he has previously stated (power over the body and sex) is to defraud your spouse.

Fraud is when a person goes into an agreement, says they will do a list of things and then does not do as they stated.  An example of fraud in the business world are these fly-by night construction companies that give people construction estimates, then take their money and run. Paul is saying that a spouse commits fraud when they deny the sexual rights of their spouse. While there are some men who deny their wives, the reality is more often than not it is the wife denying her husband.

Maybe as Christian wife you consider yourself to be pretty honest.  You would not steal from a store and you would never knowingly make a dishonest agreement with anyone.  But do you know ladies that as honest as you think you are, if you consistently deny your husband of his sexual rights to your body you are committing fraud? It is just as if you went to a gas station, pumped your gas, and then drove off without paying. In fact its even worse, if we make the analogy correct, imagine that someone you are supposed to love(a relative or friend) owned that gas station, and you just drove off without paying.   Paul is clear, when you get you married, you are giving your body to your spouse for the rest of your life.

Paul also answers the age old question – who determines how often a married couple should have sex?  “except it be with consent for a time”, so only with the consent of both parties can sex be denied. Many people (and by people I think mostly women) believe that sex should only happen by consent, when in reality denial of sex should only happen by consent.

Now should a man be considerate of his wife? Absolutely! There may be times for medical reasons or other reasons that a wife cannot perform her duty (and yes it’s her duty!). But sex should not be denied for things like “I am not in the mood”, “I just don’t need it now and you should only want to when we both want to”, “You have not earned it” or “You have not been romantic enough for it”.

The last part of verse 5 refers to the temptation of Satan. I believe every spouse needs to evaluate their performance with their spouse from time to time to see that they are not leaving their spouse open to temptation.  Obviously you cannot account for every way your spouse could be tempted, but you need to put in a good effort in this area.

For men – ask yourselves these kinds of questions in regards to temptations your wife might face:

  1. Do you compliment your wife on how beautiful she looks?  Or is the only time she hears that from a guy at the Super Market or at the place she works?
  2. Do you tell your wife that you love her on a regular basis?
  3. Do you talk with your wife, do you share an emotional connection with her?
  4. Do you try to make sure she is fulfilled in the bedroom, that she is sexually satisfied?
  5. Do you deny her sex when she initiates it?

For women – ask yourselves these kind of questions in regards to temptations your husband might face:

  1. Does your husband only see you in sweat pants and tee shirts? Do you still put make up on and nice clothes? Or is the only women he sees with makeup and nice clothes the ladies he works with or the lady at the store?
  2. Do you put on sexy lingerie for your husband? Or is the only women he sees in lingerie the ladies in the Victoria Secret commercials?
  3. Do you let him see you naked? Or do you scold him like he some kind of pervert for wanting to watch you undress?
  4. Do you give him loving sex, do you give yourself completely to him when you have sex or are you just phoning it in?
  5. Are there things you refuse to do in bedroom? If so is it because you believe they are Biblically wrong or is just because you are uncomfortable with it? Realize that anything you refuse to do in the bedroom opens an automatic line of temptation with your husband.
  6. Do you flat out refuse your husband sex for reasons other than medical?
  7. Can you say that you put in a 100% effort to fulfill your husband’s sexual needs and fantasies (as long as they don’t violate Scripture)?

7:6

But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment.

What Paul is giving permission to do is to marry.  He is not commanding to marry, only giving permission to marry. Thus qualifying what he said early about letting “every” man and woman have their own spouse.

7:7

For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.

In verse 7 we see Paul explain what meant in verse one when he said it is good for man not to touch a woman.  He rightly says though, it is a gift and certainly not a command from God not to marry.

Summary of I Corinthians 7:1-7:

The Apostle Paul is stating these truths and commands given to him directly by God:

  1. Guys and gals, it’s good to be celibate if and ONLY if you have the gift of celibacy from God.
  2. If you happen to find yourself desiring the opposite sex, then by all means get married or else you might end up having sex outside of marriage.
  3. If you do get married, realize that your body has now been given by God to your spouse – to meet their sexual needs.
  4. Also if you do get married – you are forbidden from denying your spouse their sexual rights to your body unless they give you consent.  Even when consent is given it must only be for a short time and you need to come together soon to avoid temptation.

Why are men and womens sex drives so different?

This is probably a question that men and women have been asking since the beginning of creation.

It’s not that men and women don’t both want sex(at least people who have normal upbringings). It’s just the desire is radically different.

For most women, if they had sex once or twice a month that would be fine.  When do want it most likely it would be near their ovulation cycle(most women do not realize their hormones kick in around that time).  It might also be when they feel really good toward their man, like he has done something super romantic and kind towards them.

Most young men would love to have sex every day.  For us old dudes, we could probably do with sex every other day.

But suffice to say, most men want sex a lot more than most women do.

So why would God wire us this way? Is this God’s idea of a bad joke?

I believe this is not some oversight, or design flaw by our creator, but our nature is this way by design. There are two ways to look at this that will illustrate why I don’t believe this is a mistake.

A Woman’s nature

What if women had the same high sex drive men did? I believe if this was the case we would have a lot more infidelity in this world.  God purposefully made women’s sex drive wired to their emotions rather than being driven by physical desire alone.  This creates a balance, and also a protection against infidelity.  Most men would not be able to turn down a beautiful woman’s sexual advances. Most women however have no problem turning down men(even good looking ones) and do it all the time.

A woman’s desire for emotional connection and commitment forces a man to have a deeper relationship and commitment before physical intimacy can take place. Since God only wanted sex to occur within the bounds of marriage, this makes perfect sense that he designed women this way.

So basically before marriage occurs, a woman’s nature is God’s stop gap against premarital sex.

A Man’s nature

For men and women, under the right circumstances in a loving and committed relationship, sex can be an emotional and physical experience.  In fact most men and women would agree that this is the best kind of sex.  But for most men, this is NOT the only kind of sex.  For a man sex can be 100% physical with no emotional attachment whatsoever, but for most women this concept(of physical only sex) is impossible for them to understand.

The reason from a biological standpoint is that man’s semen is replenished every 24 to 72 hours.  This releases hormones throughout his body telling him he needs to release his seed.  His attraction to eligible females around him grows more intense as each day passes.  For most women this hormonal need for sex only occurs once a month around the time if her ovulation, but even then emotional connection is still needed.

We all agree that there are some traits we possess because of our fallen nature, because of sin.  The Bible says that sin has corrupted us.  But is a man’s high sex drive, and the fact that he can have sex completely apart from any emotional attachment a part of the sinful nature?

I would argue that the answer is NO.  A man’s nature, his higher sex drive, and his need for sexuality apart from emotional attachment is a part of God’s design as well.

A man’s high sex drive is what drives him to have an emotional relationship with a woman.  He knows she will only give him what he needs if he firsts meets her needs for emotional connection and commitment.   A man’s sex drive is also what helps keep many marriages going because often times a relationship can grow cold.

Many people have argued that sex should come only after a woman has been properly romanced.  I completely disagree with that.  While a man should try to romance his wife as often as he can, this should not and cannot be a per-requisite to sex every time it occurs.  In fact, the Bible places no per-requisites on sex(except for marriage of course):

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 CEB

The husband should meet his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should do the same for her husband. The wife doesn’t have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband doesn’t have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Don’t refuse to meet each other’s needs unless you both agree for a short period of time to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come back together again so that Satan might not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

But why would sex without romance ever be good for a relationship?

Often times a relationship can grow stale or cold because of a variety of factors including stress.  There are many times a woman might even care about an emotional connection because she is stressed.  The man initiating sex, because of his physical need, forces the connection, or least gives it a chance.  There are many women that will admit that at first they were not in the mood, but as foreplay continued and sexual connection took place they grew closer to their husbands, and they forgot about what was stressing them.

This also could be the same in reverse.  A man might be stressed out with work or other things to the point that his sex drive is crushed.  A wife initiating sex can often snap him out of his stressful state and rekindle the relationship.

So while it is true that romance often leads to sex, sometimes sex can lead to romance.

Why would God not make man and woman both emotional creatures, both with the same per-requisite of emotional connection and commitment before sex?

This is an excellent question.  The reason is that God needed one person to be the leader, the fighter, the hunter and the provider while the other person  needed to be a caretaker. A caretaker must be emotional and must be able to empathize easily with those for home she is caring.  This design makes women perfectly suited to caring for children as well as the sick. It should come as no surprise that the vast  majority of caretaker professions are heavily populated by women.

The man needed to be able to disconnect himself from his emotions, to compartmentalize them.  That is why men make much better fighters and hunters.  A man sometimes needs to make a decision based on pure logic alone, apart from emotion.

It is just as difficult for a woman to disconnect from her emotions  as it is for a man to connect to his – and this is all by design.

Should a man try to connect more with his wife emotionally and should a wife try to be more sexy with her husband?

The answer to both these questions is a resounding YES!

I am not arguing that a man should ever try to become exactly like a woman, or that a woman should every try to become exactly like a man – because that would be going against our creator’s design.  But can we sometimes meet each other somewhere in the middle? I think we can.

Basically I think as a men we need to try to meet our wives emotional needs.  However this is a VERY tall order as women often don’t know what they want.  But on a very basic level, women want their husbands to talk to them, and actually listen.  Buying flowers doesn’t hurt either, but without the talking the flowers will have little value.  It might be something around the house she has been bugging her man to fix forever and it just bugging her to death.  The point is it could be anything, but we have to make an effort guys(I am preaching to myself as I can often times get busy with work and be neglectful of my wife).

For women they need to try to look at sex from their husbands perspective(very very physical perspective).  She needs to invest in lingerie or other things to entice her husband, and remember that God has given her body as gift to her husband.  She needs to present that gift to him often and make him feel that he pleases her sexually and that she desires him in that way.

Conclusion

Men and women both need to respect the others nature and stop shaking their fists at God asking him why he designed their spouse the way they are. If we respect God’s design, and try to work within the design he has made as opposed to fighting against it we will be much happier for it.  That means as guys we can’t get mad at our wives for being emotional, or actually expecting us to talk to them.  That means that women can’t get mad at men for wanting sex all the time, or for being such sexual creatures.