While most Christian men can’t wait to get past the wedding ceremony and reception to the marriage bed most Christian women worry about this part of the evening. I hope this guide will help not only to put your mind at ease as a woman, but that it will help you better understand your groom’s sexual nature as it is VERY different than yours.
Contrary to popular belief, the Bible actually does have a lot to say about sex in marriage and much of it is found in the Song of Solomon. While this book does not give many commands it does give many examples that wise Christian women should follow. I suggest that every Christian Bride should mediate on the entire book of the Song of Solomon before her wedding night.
I realize you came here for a sex guide and not for me to simply list the entire Song of Solomon so don’t worry I won’t do that to you. Instead I will only use a few passages from the Song of Solomon as well as a few other Scripture passages to help guide you on your way to having great sex with your husband in marriage.
Even if you will not be a virgin on your wedding night as God would have had you be there is still much you can learn from this guide about sex in marriage from a Christian perspective.
First as a Christian wife to be, you need to understand some key Biblical principles about sex.
6 Biblical Principles about Sex in Marriage
Sex is a right and a responsibility in marriage
“3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” – I Corinthians 7:3-4 (KJV)
In marriage your body belongs to your husband for the purposes of having sex. Verse 3 of I Corinthians 7 shows that you as a wife have the duty to GIVE your body to your husband for sex. Verse 5 shows that your husband has the right to USE your body for sex when he desires it. I realize this completely brushes up against our modern cultural view that our bodies belong to us but they do not. Your body first belongs to God and then God has granted the use of your body to your husband in marriage. This is something every Christian wife must accept.
Sex is not just for husbands it is also for wives!
A lot of women (Christian and non-Christian alike) think sex is only for men. That could not be further from the truth Biblically speaking. In I Corinthians 7:3-4 we see that God tells not only wives but also husbands to render their bodies to their wives for sex. God not only tells husbands they have power to use their wives body for sex but he also tells women they have the power to use their husband’s body for sex. God would not have said that if sex was only for men.
Sex is a need not a want
Sex is a psychological and physiological need in marriage. Some say “sex is a want because no one ever died from not having sex”. But here is the truth. While no one ever died from not having sex – many marriages have died from lack of sex! This is why the Bible compares sex to food and clothing (things that we would agree are necessities).
“10 If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish.
11 And if he do not these three unto her, then shall she go out free without money.” – Exodus 21:10-11 (KJV)
The phrase “duty of marriage” literally refers to right of sex in marriage. While couples often sin against each other in many ways some sins God considers grave enough to break a marriage and sexual defraudment is one of them.
Sex is not just for making babies – it is for pleasure as well!
The entire book of the Song of Solomon is about the physical pleasures of sex. Don’t ever say to your husband as many wives have about their breasts “these are for babies not for you”. That is so WRONG! If God had meant for your breasts to only be for babies then you would be like all other mammals who breasts shrink inside their bodies when not needed for nursing children.
Let me be blunt – your breasts and vagina are only temporarily used for bearing your children and feeding them. The rest of your life God gave them to your husband for his use – for his pleasure.
“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.” – Song of Solomon 1:2 (KJV)
“7 This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.
8 I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples;
9 And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak.” – Song of Solomon 7:7-9 (KJV)
God tells your husband to come to you as his wife and for him to be ravished by your body and your love knowing his sex drive will often be stronger than yours. Ravishing your husband is not an option in marriage – it is a requirement!
“18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.
19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.” – Proverbs 18-19 (KJV)
The Bible recognizes the polygynous nature of men and so must you
God created men with a capacity for polygyny. Polygyny is more specific than polygamy. Polygamy simply refers to a person (man or woman) having more than one spouse. Polygyny is a specific form of polygamy referring to a man having more than one wife.
The Bible shows that God regulated and allowed polygyny in several passages(Exodus 21:10-11, Deuteronomy 21:15) and that he told David when he committed adultery with Uriah’s wife Bathsheba that he gave him(King David) many wives and would have given him more(II Samuel 12:8). God pictures himself a polygynous husband to two wives (Judah and Israel) in Ezekiel 23:1-7.
Most Christian teachers will try and say that a man’s attraction and desire toward multiple women is part of his sin nature, not his God given male nature but the examples I have shown you from the Scriptures show otherwise. Some people will tell you things like “God created one man and one woman in the garden of Eden, not one man and multiple women therefore God’s original design for marriage was monogamy for both men and women” and this is something women often find great comfort in staking the position that God meant for their husband to desire them and them alone.
But if God meant for men to have only one wife then was sibling marriage (what would later be called incest) also a part of his original design as well? Remember in the beginning brothers and sisters had to marry one another. The point is that just as brother/sister marriage was temporary in the beginning of God’s creation so too was monogamous marriage for men.
Even after examining the passages I have cited above as a woman this will be very hard for you to accept. But you must realize your husband was created with a very different nature than you. His sex drive is physical and polygynous in nature, your sex drive was designed by God to be emotional and monogamous in nature. You want him to be like you but that is not how God made him and you must accept this big difference.
You want him to desire you and you alone. But you must accept that he will find other women desirable even though he will never act on that desire and have sex with those women outside of marriage. And he certainly needs to act like a gentlemen and not be gawking at other women or talking to you about other women whom he finds attractive.
Sex is about far more than vaginal intercourse
Many wives think they are fulfilling their duty to have sex with their husbands if they simply spread their legs and let their husband have intercourse with them. But ladies please understand that sex is about far more than sexual intercourse.
Sex is about more than having romantic feelings and jumping in bed with your hubby, kissing him, embracing him and then moving to vaginal intercourse. It is about knowing one another’s bodies. It is about savoring and enjoying the sight, taste and smell of one another’s bodies. It is about pleasuring one another in every way possible that does not violate God’s Word.
In the Song of Solomon we read about a woman longing to perform oral sex on her husband:
“As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.” – Song of Solomon 2:3 (KJV)
The apple tree in ancient Middle Eastern culture was often used as a symbol of a man’s penis and this symbolism would have been understood as referring to a woman performing oral sex on her husband. Notice that not only does the wife of Song of Solomon talk about performing oral sex on her husband – but she did it with great delight! Christian women need to cultivate a desire to know every part of their husband’s body and take an active part in sex and not just a passive part.
In the Song of Solomon we also read about a man desiring to perform oral sex on his wife:
“5 Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.
6 Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, I will get me to the mountain of myrrh, and to the hill of frankincense.” – Song of Solomon 4:5-6 (KJV)
The “mountain of myrrh” and “the hill of frankincense” of refers to a woman’s pubic mound and more specifically to her vulva and vagina. This is basically saying this man longs to touch his wife’s breasts and perform oral sex on her all night long. The scent and taste of her vulva and vagina are intoxicating to him.
In the Song of Solomon we read about a woman desiring her husband to perform oral sex on her:
“Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.” – Song of Solomon 4:16 (KJV)
“I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate.” – Song of Solomon 8:2 (KJV)
So as we can see from the Scriptures sex is about far more than just vaginal intercourse. It is about fully knowing and enjoying one another’s bodies.
Now that we have established clear Biblical principles for you as a Christian wife to understand sex from God’s viewpoint now we will get into specific things you need to know about having sex with your husband.
12 Things Every Christian Bride Needs to Know about Sex
Do NOT wait until the day after your wedding to have sex for the first time
Don’t follow this craze of people who think is ok to wait till the next day. It is a sad fact and I see this advice to couples online all the time that maybe it is a better idea to wait till the day after the wedding to have sex for the first time because of all the stress of the wedding and the reception.
Do not start your marriage by sexually defrauding your husband on your wedding night.
This happens more often than you may realize.
The act of marriage is not just the wedding vows you took in that Church but it is act of becoming “one flesh” in bed. You have not consummated your marriage until you have had sex – period.
Ladies let me share a historical fact that most people in our time do not know about marriage. We say it is bad luck for a groom to see his bride before the wedding ceremony but in Biblical times a man had sex with his bride before the ceremony and the wedding feast! The man and women would come at an agreed time before the ceremonies and reception and they would have sex in a room (or tent) with family witnesses outside the tent. The witnesses were there both to verify that the act of marriage had occurred and that the woman was a virgin (if she claimed to be) and she would bring out a bloody cloth to prove her virginity.
The reason that the sex occurred before the vows and the reception is because the man in most cases needed to verify the virginity of his bride. If he found that she was not a virgin there would be no point in having the wedding vows or the reception because the wedding was off! In fact he could have had her executed if she lied about her virginity.
So there was no way you would be “too tired” after the wedding reception to have sex because you already had sex before the reception!
Today we literally have the marriage ceremony backwards from what it once was.
If you and your husband choose to go off to a hotel the day before your wedding and privately make your vows between you and God and then have sex for the first time before the stress of the public wedding ceremony that is perfectly fine! There is no sin in that. Just remember that your vows are binding before God even if they are not binding by the laws of men. Marriage is between God, you and your husband. State marriage licenses are a relatively new thing and really the government has no place in marriage as it is God’s institution and not man’s institution. Marriage licenses are actually an overreach of the authority God has given the government.
Don’t set high expectations for your first time having sex with your husband
Christian bride realize that your first sexual experience may not be this magical moment that you have imagined. In most cases it is quick and bloody. If this is the first time having sex for both you and your husband he may only last 30 seconds having intercourse with you. Some men even ejaculate before breaking their wife’s hymen!
Patience is the key. You both have to be patient with one another. Also realize ladies most young men can have sex multiple times on their wedding night. So even if he is too quick the first time there will be the second time and even the third time to try it again.
If he loves you and wants to please you it will get better I promise.
Accept the fact that you may not have orgasms through vaginal intercourse
You may never have an orgasm through vaginal intercourse with your husband. On the other hand, you might have orgasms through vaginal intercourse when you first start having sex and then perhaps weeks or months later you stop having orgasms from vaginal intercourse.
Many women don’t know what to do when this happens and this can be very frustrating for young grooms and brides. The man feels like a failure for not being able to give his wife orgasms through vaginal intercourse like he once did and the woman feels frustrated like there is something wrong with her body.
If this happens to you realize there is nothing wrong with your body. The reason you had orgasms through vaginal intercourse in the beginning was because sex was brand new for you.
Two things happen once you and your husband get used to sex with one another. He can hold out longer because he is used to sensations of your vagina against his penis. But you have also gotten used to the sensations of his penis in your vagina so that newness and excitement no longer exists.
Many women rarely if ever have orgasms through vaginal intercourse. If this happens to you as it does most women, you will need your husband to manually stimulate your clitoris, vagina and breasts. You may need your husband to perform oral sex on you in order to climax. This is OK – this completely normal.
Gently ask your husband to help you and show him how by moving his hands where you need them and giving him gentle instruction. Be patient with him as it might take him a little time to figure out how to help you climax.
It is OK to masturbate
Christian bride – it is ok to masturbate both in your husband’s presence and in private. In fact this is the only way some women can figure out how their body works and how they can have orgasms. Here is the cold hard truth. If you don’t know how to give yourself an orgasm how can you expect your husband to give you an orgasm?
I understand that some Christian women don’t want to masturbate before they are married because they are afraid of breaking their hymen. You can do it and be careful by not penetrating your vagina with anything including your fingers. You can manually stimulate your nipples and your clitoris without endangering your hymen.
It is also ok to masturbate if you had sex with your husband and he was just not able to ring your bell. Sometimes it just won’t happen with him and it is ok to take care of yourself after you meet your husband’s sexual needs.
It is OK to fake it
There are going to be times when you are just not emotionally there. It is a good and noble thing for a woman to fake it during these times. Many loving husbands tell their wives never to fake it but at the same time they grow frustrated when their wives don’t enjoy sex all the time the way they do. It is unfair for a man to demand that his wife never fake it. He is putting her in the difficult position of having to turn him down when she knows he really needs sex and it can cause problems in the marriage.
You are capable of faking it – every woman is capable of faking it. The thing that stops most women is pride. They think they should not have to fake it or they use their husband’s request that they not fake it as an excuse to sexually deny their husbands the regular sex that he needs.
Some argue that it is not good for women to fake it because their husbands won’t learn how to please them. I am not saying that you should not honestly help your husband to know how to sexually please you. But once you have educated your husband in how your body works there will just be times when you are not “emotionally there” and for most women it is a requirement that they be “emotionally there” in order to have an orgasm.
Realize that your husband will probably need sex more often than you
Both women and men desire sex and that is why as we previously mentioned the Bible gives both the husband and the wife the right to have sexual access to their spouse’s body.
A lot of women don’t know what their real sex drive will be like until several months after the marriage begins. It is very normal for a woman on her honeymoon to want sex as often or in some cases even more than her husband. But let me tell you why that is ladies. It is because your sex drive is more emotionally based than physically based. After the wedding and throughout the honeymoon and perhaps even for the first few months of marriage your emotions are running sky high. Because of the emotional high you are riding your sex drive is riding high along with it. The excitement of your new marriage may make you want to have sex all the time with your husband.
But eventually you will come down off that emotional high and your sex drive will settle in. And the fact is for most women once the newness of the marriage wears off their sex drive drops significantly. It does not mean a woman never wants sex anymore, but many women will want sex significantly less.
Trust me ladies – you may think I am wrong about this but there is a very good chance this will happen to you and it is normal for most women.
But because your husband’s sex drive is more physically based than emotionally based his desire for sex in most cases will not diminish even months into the marriage. In fact he may even come to desire sex more often!
Most men have 10 times more testosterone flowing through their bodies as well as the physical need to release their semen every 48 to 72 hours and a wife should realize her husband is going to want to have sex A LOT more than she will.
What if I don’t want sex that often?
While some women desire regular sex with their husbands there are some women who could just do without it. They love the companionship they have with their husband but they just don’t need the physical side as much. Ladies if you have this type of thinking you need to get on your knees and give this to God. You need to ask God to grant you a desire to truly be “one flesh” with your husband.
But until that desire is cultivated in you – you will need to fake it. Faking it is part of being a grown up. We as adults have to fake things all the time whether it is at our job or in other areas. Faking it when it comes to sexual desire and sexual enthusiasm may be something God calls on you to do until you cultivate a genuine desire in your heart for sex with your husband. This is for the good of your marriage. Remember that sex is a need in marriage according to God’s Word. You cannot ignore this need in your marriage.
Does God require that my husband romance me each time before we have sex?
No mam he does not. Sometimes you might get some romance before sex and other times your husband might come home from work and say “I had a hard day at work – let’s go have sex”. For you this may make no sense because the last thing on your mind when you have had a hard day is sex. But God made your husband different than you. This is something that can help relieve his stress and it is your duty as wife as previously explained to render your body to your husband for his sexual use.
Sex is not a passive sport but rather it requires active participation
If you are having sex with your husband and you are not looking at him (keeping your eyes closed) or you are keeping your hands at your side you are not fully participating. You are only passively participating and this is not fully giving yourself to your husband as God requires. Your hands should constantly be moving on this body or perhaps you and your husband are grabbing each other’s hands. But in one way or another your hands should be touching your husband’s body at all times during sex.
There are some exceptions to this rule. On exception to this “hand rule” would be if you were having sex in a position where your hands needed to be used to support your body like in rear entry (doggy style) sex. Another exception might be if you’re masturbating as part of sex with your husband and this can be very arousing for him to watch. But your hands should always be active – they should never just be at your side.
Seeing your body is part of sexual foreplay for your husband
Sex in the dark is ok if you woke up in the middle of the night and decided to have sex. But other than that your husband needs to see your body as part of the full sexual experience. You need to wear lingerie on a regular basis. Many women not long after being married get lazy and stop wearing lingerie and visually arousing their husband – don’t be that woman!
Your beauty and not just your body is a gift of God to your husband. You need to dress as he would have you dress. You should talk about what he believes as your spiritual head is appropriate for you to wear in public and what he wants you to wear in private. This is actually something couples need to talk about prior to marriage to make sure they agree on what is acceptable clothing and what is not.
Allow your husband to see you undress – and yes it is perfectly find if it arouse him to have sex with you. Let your husband see you walking in your towel after you take a shower – flash him! Show him the gift of your body that God has given him.
Oral sex is very important to most men
In many ways men receiving oral sex from their wives is what getting flowers or other gifts is to most women. It is something that makes them truly feel loved from their wife. Imagine that you only got flowers or gifts from your husband when you gave him oral sex? How often would you be doing it? You need to cultivate a desire for oral sex both as foreplay and even as a sacrificial form of sex where you finish him sometimes without full sex having to occur.
One of the most loving acts a wife can ever do is to take her husband and unbutton his pants and perform sacrificial oral sex on him allowing him to climax in her mouth. This is an incredible act of love. Obviously most sex should end in intercourse but there should be room for oral sex and other types of “finishing the job”.
The objection that most women have to oral sex is that they think their husband’s semen will “gross them out”. Maybe they try it once and it does in fact “gross them out”.
First you need to realize your husband’s semen is an extension of himself. It is very offensive to most men when their wife finds their semen to be gross and displays that discomfort with his semen. Many women have issues with their husband’s semen – so if you have issues with it know that you are not alone in this. But this is not something that cannot be overcome. If you truly love your husband and ask God for help over time you can cultivate a desire and liking for our husband’s semen. You may need to do as we previously said and “fake it till you make it”.
The way to your husband’s heart is through his sexuality
Contrary to the popular statement that “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” the way to man’s heart is actually through his sexuality. This is not the way to a woman’s heart so this entire concept is foreign to many women.
I can illustrate this very easily. If your husband said he had a romantic evening planned and you came home to find him naked on the couch if you are like most women you would not find that romantic. Instead if he had a candle light dinner made that would be romantic to you. Now if you told your husband while he was at work that you had a romantic evening planned for him and you met him at the door naked that would be VERY romantic to him.
Wise women understand this big difference in what women considered loving and romantic gestures and what men consider loving and romantic gestures. Be a wise woman and give yourself fully and freely to your husband. By doing this you will light the flames of passion in his heart toward you and your marriage will reap the rewards.
There is only one thing left to know about sex and that is sex positions! Check out our sex positions page here.