8 steps to confront your wife’s sexual refusal

This is a great post from BiblicalGenderRoles on the issue of men being sexually denied by their wives. Their is a Biblical remedy for this situation! If you are man dealing with this situation I highly recommend you check out this post. It might change your life!

Biblical Gender Roles

How should you as a husband handle it when your wife directly refuses to have sex without a valid reason? Is there anything a Christian husband can do about this?

This will be my last post specifically about sexuality in this series on “How to be godly husband”.

Christian Husbands – let me be crystal clear here. The situation I am addressing in this post is not your wife occasionally turning you down for sex (even with a bad attitude, as opposed to for health or other legitimate reasons). What I am addressing here is the wife who consistently and routinely denies her husband sexually simply because she does not need sex as much or she thinks she should not have to do it except when she is in the mood or she thinks her husband should have to earn sex with her by “putting her in the mood” by…

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How to overcome porn and masturbation addiction

Porn addiction and masturbation addictions/habits are just as real as alcohol and drug addictions/habits.   Do you feel that porn and masturbation have become the central focus of your life? Do you have trouble finding or keeping intimate relationships with women because you would rather look at porn and masturbate? If you answered yes to either of these questions you might have a porn and masturbation addiction.

Typically an “addiction” is distinguished from a “bad habit” in that with a habit there is usually not a physical or chemical dependency involved. Some define an addiction as something you have no voluntary control over, that you are compelled to do that action because of a chemical reaction in your brain.

Before I continue, I want to be clear that this post is going to address the issues of porn and masturbation addiction from a male perspective, but this is not to deny that there are women that are also deal with porn and masturbation addiction, but I think women who struggle with this issue are a fraction of the amount of men that struggle with this issue.

Here at the TheGiftOfSex we advocate for men to use porn(good porn that does not violate God’s design of sex) so it might seem like an contradiction that we offering help with masturbation and porn addiction.

The reason that you might think this it is a contradiction we are offering advice on porn addiction is because you think porn and masturbation are the enemy you are fighting.

The truth is…

Porn and Masturbation are not the enemy – Addiction is!

Think about this for a second. Is food the enemy of a food addict? Of course not. It is his addiction to food that his enemy. It is his overuse of a good thing that is his enemy. His compulsion to eat at every hour of the day is his enemy.

Men and Women’s brains work differently

If you were to take the brain from a deceased dead woman and a deceased dead man you might not be able to tell the difference from a quick glance. They might be similar in size and if you cut them open they would have all the same parts.

The difference in male and female brains is found more in things that cannot be seen from a simple physical examination. These differences are rather seen from observing nerve impulses and chemical differences between male and female brains.

So while both male and female brains have an amygdala and hypothalamus which play big roles in us enjoying food and sex, the chemical and nerve activity in these areas are very different in men and women when it comes to sex because of a hormone called Testosterone.

Even though testosterone is often associated with masculinity and estrogen is associated with femininity – men and women have both these hormones. But what makes a man a man and a woman a woman is all about proportion.

Men on average have 20 times more Testosterone than women! This is what makes men have more body hair, thicker skin and more muscle mass than women. But it also makes men think and perceive their world very differently than woman. Testosterone is what makes men think about and desire sex more than women.

Men and women have different sexual natures

While men and women both have sexual natures – the driving mechanisms of these natures are radically different. A woman’s sexual nature is intricately interwoven with her emotions. While a woman can have sex with no emotional connection, most women will receive little to no enjoyment from such an interaction.

A man on the other hand can very easily have pleasurable sex with a woman he just met and knows nothing about.

We see this in the Bible in the story of Isaac and Rebekah:

“And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.” – Genesis 24:67 (KJV)

In this story – Isaac has sent his servant off to get him a wife from his clan, and here his servant comes with a woman he has just met – they barely say two words(absolutely no time for emotional connection or getting to know one another) and he has her in his deceased mother’s tent having sex with her.

This is because a man’s sexual nature is primarily driven by his visual arousal and physical need to release his semen. Most men have a drive and a push to release their semen every couple days. For many men if they have gone as long as a week without a release this can become grueling and cause irritability (similar to a woman’s PMS symptoms).

These differences between the male and female sexual natures are by the design of God and neither is wrong. A man’s visual and physically based sex drive makes sure that married couples are regularly having sex – regardless of the emotional status of either party. A woman’s emotionally driven sex drive forces men to have to verbally and emotionally connect to have the best sexual experience possible.

Another way of saying this is – sometimes a man will just take sex no matter how it is, he just needs a physical release. But most men have a natural desire to strive for the “best” sexual experience they can with their wives – where their wives are emotionally and physically connected with them and enjoying sex as much as them. So they have to work to connect emotionally with their wife and put them in the mood. For these reasons God made the male and female sexual natures very different.

The Brain chemistry of Porn and Masturbation

Compulsive porn and masturbation habits are usually referred to as an addiction because of the chemical high that men get from looking at porn and masturbating.

When a man views porn his brain releases a hormone called dopamine – this a “reward” type of hormone that makes us feel a type of high.  But  dopamine gets a bad wrap in many anti-porn circles as if it is a bad hormone or as if it is related only to sex.  Others wrongly think that dopamine is only related to addictive behavior like drug use, alcohol use.

The truth is that we experience dopamine rushes in many pleasurable experiences in our lives.

When you first start dating someone you get a rush of dopamine every time they call, or every time you get a text from them or whenever you are about to meet them for a date.

When you watch your bride walk down that aisle towards you – you get a dopamine rush.

When you are thinking about your favorite dinner that your wife makes, and when you come in the door and smell it being cooked – you get a dopamine rush.

When you go into your bosses office to find out how much of a raise you are getting you get a dopamine rush.

When you are anticipating watching your favorite TV show or listening to your favorite music you get a dopamine rush.

When you proudly watch as your child graduates from high school or college, you get a dopamine rush.

You get the point – dopamine is not just about sex, or addiction.  It is a hormone that God gave us to help us enjoy life – to get pleasure from things in our lives.

So when you see all these articles attacking porn because of the dopamine rush it gives us – keep in mind that many other activities in our lives give us dopamine rush and you won’t here the anti-porn advocates criticizing those activities.

Men receive more physical pleasure from their sexuality than women

Men literally receive more physical pleasure from sexual arousal(viewing women), sexual intercourse and orgasms than women do.  While women also experience physical pleasure during sexual foreplay, sex and orgasms  they receive much more emotional pleasure from sex than men do.

For more detail on this see my post-  “Men and women experience orgasms differently”

Sex is a need, not just a want

Human beings, both men and women need sex. The way we approach sex as men and women may be very different, but sex is a need regardless.

Read more about this in my post “Sex is a need, not just a want”

Masturbation is given as a method of sexual release

I think very few people would argue masturbation is as sexually fulfilling as having sexual intercourse with a person you love in the act of marriage. But just as we mentioned above, most men would say that just having sexual intercourse with their wife(as in when she is not really in mood but just letting him do it) is not as good as when she is in the mood and there is a full emotional and physical connection.

But that does not mean lesser forms of sexual release between a husband and wife (such as just for physical release) or even masturbation are wrong.

God regulates the cleanup after masturbation in the book of Leviticus:

“16 ‘Now if a man has a seminal emission, he shall bathe all his body in water and be unclean until evening. 17 As for any garment or any leather on which there is seminal emission, it shall be washed with water and be unclean until evening.

18 If a man lies with a woman so that there is a seminal emission, they shall both bathe in water and be unclean until evening.

19 ‘When a woman has a discharge, if her discharge in her body is blood, she shall continue in her menstrual impurity for seven days; and whoever touches her shall be unclean until evening.” – Leviticus 15:16-19 (NASB)

There are three normal bodily functions described here. A man having an emission of semen by himself (which would cover masturbation or nocturnal emissions), a man having sex with his wife, and a woman having her period.

None of these things are considered sinful, they simply had regulations for the cleanup after these normal activities.

Are sexual arousal and sexual imagination (sexual fantasy) sinful for a Christian?

From a Christian perspective many Christians have been wrongly taught that viewing porn and masturbating are sins before God. This is a rather lengthy topic so I will just refer you to some articles that are dedicated to these subjects and examine this from a Scriptural perspective:

What does the Bible say about Lust?

Why Masturbation is not wrong for a Christian

To sum up what you will read in those posts Lust is not sexual arousal, it is not even sexual fantasy (sexual imagination) rather it is covetousness. Covetousness is the desire to actually take possession of something or someone that does not belong to you, or that you would have no right to try and possess.

For example, a young man who sees a single young lady is not coveting after her if he desires to date her, marry her and then have sex with her. Even though he does not yet possess her, the desire to possess her is pure and there is no sin in that. However if that same man looks at a married woman with the intent of possessing her either through an illicit affair or getting her to leave her husband for him then that is the very definition of covetousness (which is also lust).

But if this same man sees a married woman and is simply sexually aroused by her beauty, or even imagines her naked or has a sexual fantasy about her, but does not allow it to go into covetous thoughts there is no sin in this either. One of the ways a man can tell that his normal sexual arousal from a beautiful married woman has turned to covetousness is if he begins to flirt with her or tries to become emotionally intimate with her.

Why can’t men just stay away from Porn and Masturbation?

Many people wrongly reason that since we advise drug addicts and alcoholics to stay away from drugs and alcohol completely that we can and should take the same approach to men looking at porn and masturbation.

Staying away from Porn and masturbation is like going on a liquid diet. You can do it if you have to but you will eventually be miserable in the process. You might even learn to suppress that misery – you might tell yourself that you feel better now that you don’t look at porn or masturbate anymore.

You tell yourself you are better off for two reasons.

The first is you have been taught either from a religious perspective or even a secular feminist perspective that viewing porn is wrong so you feel an enormous sense of guilt after each time you view it and now that you no longer view porn or masturbate you don’t have to feel that post-porn viewing/masturbation guilt.

If you want to overcome the guilt of masturbation, and be able to enjoy masturbation as the gift God as given as part of your sexuality I suggest you read my article “How to overcome the guilt of masturbation”.

The second is because you are scared of that person you were – the man who sat in front of his computer for 8 hours at a time watching porn and masturbating and in the process you were wasting your life away.

But the truth is you are like the person who loses a spouse in death and feels guilty about wanting to be with someone else. So they suppress that desire to want another spouse or be with someone else, they keep themselves busy and direct all that sexual energy toward other things only to hide or suppress their natural sexual hunger.

If you are being honest with yourself – as a man you naturally desire to view the female form in all its wonderful varieties, you naturally think about sex and desire to have a sexual release (either through masturbation or sex with a woman). But while God restricts sexual relations with a woman to the covenant of marriage – he has given us the gift of masturbation as a way to experience and enjoy our sexuality before we are married and even while we are married as long as we use it properly and in balance.

So what is the answer to Porn and Masturbation addiction?

I think I have shown here that trying to get a man to stop receiving pleasure from viewing women(whether fully clothed live women) or nude women in pictures as well as masturbating is the equivalent of a food addict moving to a liquid diet. Yes we can do it but it simply suppresses the sexual hunger that God has put in us.  God did not mean for us to suppress our sexuality but rather to channel it in healthy ways that do not violate his Word.

The better way to handle porn and masturbation addiction is to treat it like food addiction.  It must be balanced and regulated. These are steps I recommend for overcoming porn and masturbation addiction:

Recognize that this is an imbalance in your life

The Bible says

“All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.” – I Corinthians 6:12 (KJV)

While God created our sexuality – including our natural ability to be sexually aroused, to sexually imagine and to masturbate he did not intend for us to spend all or most of our time doing these things. They were intended to be a “part” of our life, but not the “whole” of our life.

Set a reasonable amount of time each week to look at porn or masturbate

For each person this might be different. For younger men in their late teens or early 20’s they may need to masturbate daily. For older men it may only be a couple times a week. Set time limits for how long you will look at porn or other erotic material – set an alarm that goes off that tells you time is up.  This is similar to how a food addict must measure the portions of food they eat.

One way to know if you are looking at too much porn or masturbating too much is if you have little desire to do anything else but that. If you find yourself not wanting to read your Bible or talk about the things of God or engage in other hobbies or not doing things with your friends or spouse, not wanting to seek out a girlfriend(if you are single man) or not wanting to have sex with your wife(if you are a married man) then you may be looking at porn and masturbating too much.

Find an accountability partner

Find another man (do not use your wife for this as she will not understand this from a female point of view). Find a man who believes as you do that God does not call us to suppress our sexuality, but rather to channel it in healthy and measured ways. This way if you slip up one week and “binge” by looking at porn too much or masturbating too much you have someone to talk to.

When you slip up – get back up and start over again

After you have a binge day– confess your sin that you have allowed a lawful thing(viewing porn and masturbating) to gain power over you.  Resolve to get back in balance on this new day. Talk to your accountability partner and let them know too so they can pray for you.

Below are some links from another Christian site that talks more on the issues of Porn and how to distinguish between good porn and bad porn.

The difference between good porn and bad porn

Is “Christian Porn” an oxymoron?

Why Porn is not bad for Christians or anybody else

 

Sex is a need, not just a want

SexIsANeed

Do human beings need sex or just want sex? Some people believe that sex is nothing more than a desire or want.  After all – no one ever died from not having sex.

But the truth is there are many needs that we have as human beings that if they go unmet my not result in our death.

Most human beings need to be around other people.  If you were to take most people and remove them from all human contact it would eventually make them go crazy.

No one one would argue with that fact that women have the need to emotionally connect with their husbands.

But for some reason when it comes to sex – we somehow tend to set that aside as want, rather than a need.

I heard this saying about sex:

“While no one ever died from not having sex, many marriages have died from not having sex”.

What a true statement – let that sink in.

Human beings, both men and women need sex. The way we approach sex as men and women may be very different, but sex is a need regardless.

God identifies sex with the basic needs of food, clothing and shelter in Exodus 21:10-11:

“If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish. And if he do not these three unto her, then shall she go out free without money.” – Exodus 21:10-11 (KJV)

If you were wondering, the “duty of marriage” literally means “conjugal rights”, or right to sex. The only people who do not have a need for sex are those whom God has given the gift of celibacy for his service (like the Apostle Paul).

God reiterates this fact in I Corinthians and makes sure we know that obviously sex is a need not just for women, but also for men:

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

I Corinthians 7:3-5 (KJV)

The one exception to sex being a need is if a man or woman is given the gift of celibacy as opposed to the gift of sex.

Conclusion

Christian husband do you see giving your wife sex as something that is just as important as making sure she is feed and clothed?

Christian wife do see that your husband needs sex with you as much as he needs food? If God calls sex a need, then we ought to regard it as such.

Men and women experience orgasms differently

WomanHavingOrgasm

Men and women both have a dopamine rush during sexual foreplay – this makes them both more sensitive to touch.  Dopamine during sexual foreplay basically turns your whole body into a sexual pleasure zone, with certain erogenous zones being the most sensitive(like the genital region).

Men and women both release more dopamine, then the hormones oxytocin, prolactin and serotonin during their orgasms.  The combination of this rush of chemicals is what gives us a high similar to that which a cocaine or heroine addict gets when they do a hit.

Here is a summary of what these hormones do in our brain:

Dopamine – Gives us feelings of pleasure(makes us more sensitive to touch)

Oxytocin – Makes us want to cuddle and also blocks pain

Prolactin – Calms us and relaxes us

Serotonin – Makes us happy

But here is the difference between men and women during orgasm

While men and women both release all four of these hormones during sexual arousal, sex and then orgasm – they do so in very different proportions.  Men release far more dopamine during arousal, intercourse and orgasm than women do.

Estrogen actually helps increase the effects of oxytocin while testosterone tends to decrease it’s effects.  This is why women(who have more estrogen and less testosterone) get more cuddly after sex and actually can get much more emotional after sex than men typically do.

While men also release oxytocin during orgasm, because they have more testosterone and less estrogen the oxytocin has much less of an effect on men than it does on women.

On the other hand, men receive much more dopamine from viewing women as well as during sex and orgasms than women do.  This makes sex much more physically pleasurable for man.

When a man sees a beautiful woman live and in person, when he catches a glimpse of her cleavage, or her shirt reveals the small of her back or when a man sees a woman naked(whether live or in a picture) his brain gives him a rush of dopamine.

Conclusion

Both men and women enjoy sex emotionally and physically.  Both men and women release the same brain chemicals during sexual foreplay, intercourse and then in their orgasms.

But for men sex is more physically pleasurable than emotionally pleasurable and for women sex is more emotionally pleasurable than physically pleasurable.

Below are links to further reading on this subject:

Sex: Why it makes women fall in love – but just makes men want MORE!

The Science of Orgasms

 

My change on images of unmarried couples having sex

I have made it clear on this site in several places that I hold to the Biblical belief that sexual relations between a man and woman is strictly reserved for marriage.

The Bible says:

“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.”

The Bible places sexual relations between a man and woman into one of three categories – marriage, whore-mongering or adultery.  There is no fourth acceptable category of sexual relations between persons who are “in a loving and committed relationship” as so many Christians wrongly believe today.

But if you have read some posts on this site where I talk about masturbation and erotica you will know that I do not believe it is wrong for a Christian to enjoy viewing images of sex.  The only things I believed were wrong to view was homosexual sex, group sex, underage minors, bestiality, rape or violent types of sex and unmarried couples having sex.

The reason I believed it was wrong to view pictures or videos of unmarried people having sex was because I felt I was taking pleasure in their fornication.

But after reading the post below from RestoringChristianSexuality.com, and prayerfully looking at the evidence he presents I came to the same conclusion he did.

What we are seeing when we see a man and woman have sex in some photo or movie is NOT an actual man and woman having sex.

I know that you are scratching your head right now.   But hear me out.

What you are viewing when view such sexual imagery is just that  – imagery!.  It is an image or depiction of a man and woman having sex. Before the days of photography artists had to capture these kinds of things in their mind and spend many hours or even days and weeks painting or sculpting these things.  So in the sense of sexual imagery yes sometimes the “artist’s inspiration” may have been an unmarried man and woman having sex. But once the image has been made it is just that – an imagination put to paper, or canvas or film or a digital file.

Today they are doing fascinating things with computerized photo programs. Graphic artists are literally “painting” with pixels in a file.  Some of these portraits of actors and others you could not tell are a graphic painting they are done so well.

My point is while we would love it if all the “inspirations” for the photos and movies out there with sexual imagery were in fact of married couples having sex this is simply not the world we live in.  But we don’t have to play this “guilt by association” game that Christians so often play.

When we appreciate and are aroused by the images of a man and woman  having sex we are not taking pleasure in fornication but rather we are taking pleasure in imagery of heterosexual sex between a man and woman.  We are designed by God to do so.

But this does not mean we are advocating for or condoning sex between unmarried couples.

See these two posts from RestoringChristianSexuality.com – I hope all my readers will look at these with an open mind and open heart.

Why I will now allow pictures of unmarried couples having sex

The difference between Good and Bad Porn

Why Porn is not bad for Christians or anybody else