A review of Michael Pearls Freedom from Addictions

Every Mans Battle1

Michael Pearl on his NoGreaterJoy.org site wrote an article entitled “Freedom From Addictions” – this article was forwarded to me by one of my loyal readers (thanks – Jeff). Obviously if you have read many of the articles on this site, especially those on masturbation and the viewing of erotica, I do not believe these practices are wrong, in and of themselves.

However I have stated many times on this site that engaging in masturbation and viewing erotica (even erotica that does not depict Biblically immoral behavior) can become wrong if we allow these things to control us, instead of us controlling them.

““Everything is permissible for me,” but not everything is helpful. “Everything is permissible for me,” but I will not be brought under the control of anything.”

I Corinthians 6:12

For instance, food is good, and it gives us pleasure to eat our favorite dishes. However food can become bad if we live our entire lives for our next meal. The same principle applies to our sexuality, which is a gift from God. When experienced in measured amounts (just like eating in measured amounts and at appropriate times) the pleasure we receive from our sexuality can be a very good thing, and we don’t have to feel guilty about it.

But if you abuse the freedom God has given you with regard to your sexuality, and you spend every waking hour of the day looking at erotica and masturbating, then you are now being controlled by your sexuality, instead of you controlling your sexuality.

Michael Pearl’s full article – “Freedom From Addictions” can be found at http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/freedom-addictions/

With all that said – let me highlight some quotes by Mr. Pearl and show where I agree with him on some things, and disagree with him others.

Mr. Pearl states:

“Addiction is the state of being enslaved to a substance or habit, the cessation of which causes emotional distress or bodily trauma. It takes away from ordinary life responsibilities such as work, relationships, or health, and consumes a disproportionate amount of time and energy…

Addictions can be substance based, like drugs or alcohol, or non-substance based, like video games, social media, gossip, exercise, gambling, shopping, overeating, abusing one’s self, and pornography. Addiction comes through frequent and continual reliance upon the action as a source of pleasure. Any source of pleasure can become an addiction. All addictions begin with pleasure and turn to dependency.”

I completely agree with Mr. Pearl’s definition of Addiction as stated here.

Mr. Pearl States:

“Researchers can place you in a functional MRI (fMRI) machine and show you a series of pictures, noting the part of your brain that has activity, and how intense that activity is compared to the average subject.”

I have cited on multiple occasions the research findings from the book “His Brain, Her Brain” that confirm that there is actually a biochemical reaction that men get from seeing women, whether clothed, partially clothed or nude:

“the average man’s brain is sexually stimulated by visual cues and is built for variety…

Using functional MRI scans, researchers examined the brains of young men as they looked at pictures of beautiful women. They found that feminine beauty affects a man’s brain at a very primal level – similar to what a hungry person gets from a good meal or addict gets from a fix. One of the researchers said, “This is hard core circuitry. This is not a conditioned response.” Another concluded, “Men apparently cannot do anything about their pleasurable feelings [in the presence of beauty]”

Dr. Walt Larimore, MD – pg. 99 “His Brain, Her Brain”

So I agree for the most part with what Mr. Pearl said about MRI’s revealing what we are attracted to. I think it gets a little subjective when we start talking about what is normal “intensity” for one man, than another as I think some men are just more visual than others.

Mr. Pearl states:

“Some things are harmful (wrong) only when done in excess, like eating, shopping, use of electronic media, etc. But other things are harmful (wrong) from the very first experience, like drunkenness, getting high on drugs, or viewing pornography…”

Mr. Pearl mentions some things that are only wrong when done in excess – agreed. But then he lists some things that when done only once cause damage. One bout of drunkenness could cause damage, if your drove, operated machinery or tried to do many other things, so on that I would partially agree. However if a surgeon were operating on man and the only pain reliever he had was alcohol, then in this case it would be right for this surgeon to get this man drunk(and this drunkenness would not cause damage) before performing surgery, so as to alleviate the pain(“Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish..” Proverbs 31:6).

But then we come to pornography. I agree that there is bad pornography that is harmful to a man even from the very first use of it. If a man is feeding his mind with images of homosexual sex (including lesbians), incest, orgies, swinger sex and other disgusting or perverted acts I agree this is harmful.

But Mr. Pearl would include under his definition of pornography, regular nudity, such as nude women, paintings, drawings, photos and movies of couples engaging in normal heterosexual sex. On this I would have to disagree with his inclusion of these as wrong for a Christian man to view when they are not.  These images do not violate God’s design of heterosexual sex and there is no shame or wrong in enjoying the sight of such images.

Mr. Pearl’s attack on man’s maleness

But then Mr. Pearl gets to one of his most false statements in this post:

“It takes repeated experience over a period of time to develop an addiction for alcohol or drugs. It takes longer to develop addictions to social media, gambling, gossip, and overeating. But the day a boy goes through puberty he is already addicted to pornography, for he is created to crave the female form in all of its beauty and lust. It just takes one glimpse at the naked form on a cell phone for a young boy to be fully addicted, like the former alcoholic who takes a single drink and finds himself entirely in the grip of the addiction he laid down ten years earlier. All young men are recovering pornography addicts and will remain so the rest of their lives, even if they have never seen the first image.”

Mr. Pearl takes a very negative view toward male sexuality, even more than I usually see from those Christians who believe similar to him.

So the day a boy starts puberty, he is already “addicted to pornography”? That is like saying the day a baby is born, they are “already addicted to food” because they have an instinctual desire to feed from their mother’s breast.

Instead of looking at a young boy’s coming of age, and his appreciation of the female form as a gift from God, Mr. Pearl sees male sexuality as a curse, a sin, something to be suppressed. Mr. Pearl’s attack on male sexuality is not found anywhere in the Word of God, but they are as Paul states in Colossians 2:22 – the “commands and doctrines of men”.

Mr. Pearl would claim he is not a Christian ascetic (a believer in the false heretical doctrine that says Christians are not to enjoy anything pleasurable – even sex with their own wife). But by his statement that when a boy starts puberty, he is “addicted to pornography” Mr. Pearl is falling into the error of Christian ascetism, he is just using a targeting his ascetism to particular practices which he deems to be immoral.

Lies told about erotica, and the real truth

It is possible, very possible, for a young man, a middle aged man, or even an elderly man to enjoy erotica that does not depict Biblically immoral acts, and also for a man to masturbate with or without these images and NOT become addicted to either one.

The great lie that is told by many Christian leaders (and even non-Christians who come from feminist backgrounds) is that erotica (which they lump in with true bad pornography) and masturbation always lead to addictive and deviant behavior that becomes more and more depraved.

The truth is that this does not have to be the case. In fact, the reason that people do perverted things is not because of Erotica, or even because of truly bad pornography (which is wrong), but because they already had this evil in their heart to do long before they ever looked at a photograph.

Let me describe the process that happens to many Christian men (and see if this describes anything you have gone through as a man).

The act sex between a man and woman is reserved for marriage, our sexuality is not

As Christian men, we are raised by our Christian parents, and taught by our Christian churches to believe that sex is reserved for marriage. This is a very Biblical concept, not just a tradition.

“Marriage must be respected by all, and the marriage bed kept undefiled, because God will judge immoral people and adulterers.”

Hebrews 13:4

This passage from Hebrews makes it clear that God only sees one kind of sexual contact between a man and a woman (and only a man and woman – see Romans 1:27) as honorable, and that is within the bounds of marriage. Premarital sex, homosexual sex, orgies, adultery and all other sexual acts between two persons outside of the marriage bed are by definition dishonorable, and will be judged by God.

However, while God calls us as Christian men to wait until we are within the protected bounds of marriage to have sex with a woman, he does not tell us as men that we must suppress our entire sexuality until we are married.

Many people have a hard time with the concept that our sexuality, and the act of sex between two persons are two very different things, but they are different.

The first signs of womanhood and manhood

For a young woman, the first sign of her womanhood is the day the she gets her first period. For young man, the first sign of his manhood is the first time he receives pleasure from the site of a woman’s body. It is as though a switch flips, one day he notices nothing, and the next day a whole new world opens to this young man.

Sometimes he finds himself looking at a woman’s cleavage as she passes by. He goes to school one day, and all of sudden he notices that his 24 year old school teacher is attractive. Where did this come from? One day she was just his teacher, the next day, she was a woman. The next time she comes by his desk to help him with something, it takes all he can muster for him not to look at her cleavage as she bends over his desk to help him with his school work.

Many Christians would tell this young man that he must suppress his desire, and the refuse to take pleasure from viewing any woman’s form (whether fully clothed or unclothed). They will train him to “look away” if a woman’s cleavage comes into his view, and to think of other things when his mind begins to wonder what a woman looks like without her clothing on.

 Mr. Pearl’s techniques for suppression of male sexuality

“I promised to tell you how to be free from your addiction. The thing that has prevented you from ceasing your disgusting behavior is the misery you feel when you cease partaking… Science tells us that it takes about 45 days to wean the brain off of an addiction and rewire it so that it does not punish your attempt at abstinence. They sum it up in two words, “Reject and Replace.” Reject the old habit no matter the emotional cost, and, just as importantly, replace the old pleasure source with a new pleasure that is wholesome. Stop drinking and start exercising, or learning to play a musical instrument, or learn a new language, or take up that hobby you always dreamed of. Stop viewing pornography and start running or swimming or studying something interesting.”

Mr. Pearl – it is no more “disgusting” for a man to masturbate to an image of a beautiful woman than it is for you to see a commercial for your favorite food, then go home and eat that food when you are hungry. God reserves the act of sex for marriage, but our sexuality does not have to be repressed until marriage.

This is why God gave us the tool of masturbation, so that we could experience our sexuality without violating his laws before we are married. Even within marriage, masturbation can be a wonderful tool to balance out libido differences between a man and woman, and also help when either spouses has medical condition that temporarily makes them unavailable for sex with their spouse.

The absurdity of Mr. Pearl’s “50 day rule”

Mr. Pearl’s “50 day rule” may or may not apply to many real addictions, but it does not apply to things built into our human nature, like our two hungers, one for food and one for sex. You won’t lose your sexual desire for women, or you the pleasure you receive from the female form (even fully clothed) just because you stop looking at erotica for 45 days.

Most people have a natural need for human contact. If you take a person and locked them in solitary confinement away from all human contact for 45 days, do you think all of a sudden they would not need any human contact?

This is the utter absurdity of what Mr. Pearl is teaching with his 50 day rule. It is rubbish plain and simple.

In fact I would argue that suppression of normal sexuality actually leads true perversion. Many men who feel trapped in their own male bodies by their natural male sexuality, instead of looking at erotica that does not depict Biblically immoral acts, look at images with group sex, lesbian sex and all kinds’ images of immoral behavior. This is because they believe “if I am going to sin, I am might as well sin big”, then of course after they sin by looking at true pornography, they have a sudden rush of guilt that befalls them after they are done. This is cycle many good men of God fall into.

There is a better way

Instead of this cycle of guilt, there is a better way, a way to experience your sexuality, and that is to look at erotica that DOES NOT violate God’s law. Then when you masturbate, you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. I hope to spread this truth to as many Christian men as I possibly can, and I hope those of you reading this who agree with me will do the same.

You can choose to stop being ashamed of your God given male sexuality. You can learn to experience and enjoy your male sexuality to its fullest, both before marriage and after marriage all within the bounds of God’s law.

See my post – “Overcoming the Guilt Associated with Masturbation” for many Scripture passages that will help you on your journey out of Christian Asceticism and into Christian freedom.

Besides masturbation, you don’t have to be ashamed of glancing at beautiful women and enjoying the pleasure of their form. See this great series from BiblicalGenderRoles.com – How should Christian women respond to their men looking at other women

At the end of the article form Biblical Gender Roles, there is a helpful section for men about how to experience their male sexuality(enjoying the view of women around them) without acting in a ungentlemanly manner.

Unless otherwise stated, all Scripture passages are taken from the Holman Christian Standard Bible

How should Christian women respond to their men looking at other women?

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This is a new 3 part series by BiblicalGenderRoles.com about the issue of men checking out other women(other than the one they are with).

This really delves into the issues of how women feel about this, and how they typically react to it, and how they actually should react to it. It also has a helpful addendum talking to men about how they go about looking at other women.

Here is are some excerpts from this series(make sure to click on the links in the bottom to go to next article in series):

“Many Christians (both men and women) would admit that it is natural for a man (and teen boys) to be drawn to beautiful women…

But these same people would also admit that it is natural for a woman to be jealous when she catches her man glancing at an attractive woman. Other women who are not coming from the perspective of the wife or girlfriend, may just say this behavior “objectifies women” and they become angry when men look at them.

So we have reached a philosophical impasse – both behaviors are natural in each gender, yet they are contradictory to each other….

As believers in Christ, we understand that we all have a sin nature. But we also have a God given nature. In the Garden of Eden, before Adam and Eve ever sinned, God gave Adam a distinct and different male nature and he gave Eve a distinct and different female nature. He literally built Eve for Adam, and he made her nature almost completely the opposite of his….

So the question is – is man’s natural inclination to look at a variety of attractive women (even when he is in a committed relationship) a corruption of the nature God gave him in the Garden of Eden?”

Click here to go to this great series on How Christian women should respond to their men looking at other women

How to overcome the guilt associated with Masturbation

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I have had many Christian men ask me about this question and I decided it was time to take on the “guilt” side of masturbation. For some it was a parent scolding them and for others it was a Sunday school teacher or Pastor telling them that masturbation was a heinous sin the eyes of God. Perhaps it was the stories told of a man named Onan in the Bible who was killed for masturbating.

Guilt is not a bad thing, if we are feeling it for actual sin. But often times as believers, we are made to feel guilty for things that are not sins. Christian teachers add things to God’s law, and then try and heap guilt on other believers for doing things that God has given us the freedom in Christ to do.

I am not saying all these teachers have nefarious motives. Many of them are guided by good intentions, and they genuinely believe they are serving God by teaching men to not only fight against sexual sin, but to also suppress their God-given, male sexuality.

The way to fight guilt about masturbation, is the same solution to most every problem in the Christian life. We need to hide God’s Word in our hearts, memorize his Word, and mediate upon it. Below I list 8 Biblical principles, and the Scriptures upon which they are founded. If you will just mediate upon these passages, I promise that the guilt of masturbation will eventually fade from your mind, and will become only a bad memory. You can finally have that peace that passes all understanding.

Open Bible, with textured granite background.

God recognizes masturbation as a normal bodily function

In Leviticus 15, God recognizes three distinct bodily functions. The first is a man having an emission of semen, separate and distinct from having sex with a woman. The second emission of semen is during sex with a woman. The third discharge, is the blood a woman has when she menstruates. What is interesting here is God never says any of these bodily functions are sin, because if they were a sacrifice would have to be made. Instead they were only “unclean” until evening. This had to do with disease prevention, and nothing to do with sin. If God though a man having an emission of semen was sinful, then he would have demanded a sacrifice for it.

Open Bible, with textured granite background.

Onan was not killed for masturbating

First of all, the context of Genesis 38:6-10 is not even of masturbation, but of “pulling out”. This is when a man is about to ejaculate while having sexual intercourse, he pulls out to let his semen fall on the ground.

For centuries, and even to this day, some Church teachers have wrongly taught that God struck down Onan for masturbating. This could not be further from the truth. The truth of the matter is, he was struck down for not fulfilling his duty of Leveratite marriage to raise up an heir for his brother’s estate, and especially for the deceptive way in which he did it. He would enjoy his brother’s wife sexually, but instead of doing his duty and ejaculating inside her to give her a child, he would pull out. This was the heinousness of his crime and the reason God struck him dead.

Open Bible, with textured granite background.

Masturbation is NOT selfishness

Ephesians 5:29(HCSB)

A common tactic of anti-masturbation Church teachers is to claim that masturbation is an act of selfishness. First let us point out that the Scriptures never teach that masturbation is a selfish activity. As stated in Biblical truth #1, God even acknowledges masturbation as normal bodily function, in the same vein as sexual intercourse and women having periods. If masturbation was a sin, he would have stated it was in Leviticus 15, instead of comparing it to activities we know are not sin, such as sexual intercourse and a woman menstruating.

Put another way, if masturbation is a selfish activity, then so is having sex with one’s wife, and so is a woman having her period. Masturbation is no more selfish than it is to eat or drink, or to have a bowel movement. These are all natural bodily functions. Is it selfish to enjoy our favorite meal? Is it selfish to sit in a bath tub and enjoy a hot bath? Is selfish to take a vacation day and relax? Is it selfishness to read our favorite book or watch our favorite movie? No! Selfishness is not taking care one’s own body, or experiencing various pleasures that God allows, selfishness is when we ONLY think of our needs and wants, and not the needs and wants of anyone else around us.

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Masturbation is not the cause of Lust, Masturbation is the cure for Lust

1 Corinthians 10:13(HCSB)

Masturbation is not the temptation! This a lie that Satan wants us to believe, and many Church leaders throughout the centuries after the Apostles died, fell for this lie and many other lies. The temptation is to have premarital sex, or adulterous sex, or homosexual sex, the temptation is to commit sexual immorality.

Masturbation is actually the “way of escape” that God has given us to relieve our minds of the temptation to sin. Take for instance if a young collage age man is feeling tempted about having pre-marital sex with his girlfriend. If he masturbates just before he goes on this date, his temptation to have pre-marital sex with be greatly lessened.

If a man is being denied sexually by his wife, and perhaps he is tempted by a woman at his work, masturbating can relieve this temptation.

Satan wants us to take away the gift of masturbation that God has given us, so that we will be more tempted to commit actual sexual sins.

Open Bible, with textured granite background.

Sexual arousal and Sexual Fantasy are not Lust

Matthew 5:27-28(HSCB)

A common tactic used by many Church teachers is, if they will admit that the Bible never condemns masturbation specifically, they will say it condemns it implicitly because they say being sexually aroused by someone of the opposite sex you are not married to is lust, and this usually precedes, or comes during masturbation (sexual thoughts of another person). I actually agree that masturbation without any fantasy at all is very difficult, and can actually be very frustrating.

But the entire premise is wrong. Jesus never condemned sexual arousal or sexual fantasy in Matthew 5:27-28, what he condemned is the desire to possess another man’s wife. Literally he condemning sexual covetousness – which is the strong desire and the fantasizing about actually taking possession of a woman outside of marriage.

A man simply being aroused by the site of a beautiful woman is not Lust. Even if that man imagines what it would be like to have sex with that woman, still no lust has occurred. It is when he begins to plot, to think about how he could lure that woman into having sex with him outside of marriage, then he has lusted, then he has truly coveted her. And if he does not catch and confess his covetous thoughts, they may lead him to the physical act of adultery, instead of just the mental act of adultery.

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Is it not wrong for a young man to look upon, and sexually desire single young women

Job 31:1(KJV)

Can anyone seriously say with a straight face that they think Job was saying he never looked at any young ladies, or never thought any young ladies were pretty? That is not what he is talking about at all in Job 31. What Job is talking about is lusting after young women, and lusting in this case is a man thinking about, plotting, how to get young virgins into bed with him outside of marriage.

This builds upon Biblical truth #5, but more specifically targets young men, whether they be teenagers or young college students. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a young man sexually desiring, or getting sexual pleasure from looking at the young woman around him. There is nothing wrong with masturbating to thoughts about them either. In fact as we talked about in Biblical Truth #4, masturbation may keep you from having premarital sex with that young woman you are dating.

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Masturbation glorifies God

I Corinthians 10:31(HCSB)

“How does masturbating glorify God?” This is another question that might arise in your mind, or one that has been presented to you by a Christian who opposes masturbation. The Apostle Paul tells us in I Corinthians 10 that even our eating and drinking has the capacity to glorify God. These are normal bodily functions that God has given us not only for survival, but also for our enjoyment. Therefore we honor God in any bodily function we perform, and even in the enjoyment of our body as long it does not violate God’s commands or his principles for Holy living. It also glorifies God by helping to keep us from real sexual sin (Biblical Truth #4)

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Do not submit to unbiblical rules and teachings that forbid masturbation

Colossians 2:18 & 21-23(HCSB)

Asceticism is the idea that by avoiding all things that give us pleasure in this world, we can attain a higher state of spirituality. This false teaching is not unique to Christianity and is found in many other faiths. Monks are good examples of those who follow ascetic teachings, denying themselves all forms of pleasure thinking it will bring them closer to God.

Asceticism had already crept into the Church while the Apostles were still alive and writing God’s Word. This is exactly what Paul was fighting against in Colossians 2. Unfortunately, not long after the Apostles died Asceticism poured into the churches. Eventually you had church teachers even teaching that it was a sin for a married couple to take pleasure in sex. Sex was seen only as a necessary evil for producing children and it was common for early church leaders to have married couples take vows of celibacy, lest they indulge in this “worldly pleasure”.

While modern Church teachers today no longer condemn taking pleasure from sex within marriage, they still continue to repress the normal sexuality with which God has designed us all. Some of these Christian teachers actually teach young teenage boys that it is a sin for them to become aroused by the site of beautiful young girls around them. Still others teach that if a man is engaged to his girlfriend, he must confess every sexual thought or fantasy he has about her until they are actually married.

Modern Christian teachers still condemn masturbation, teaching unbiblical doctrines that ever emission of semen a man has must be with his wife during sex. However we can clearly see from Leviticus 15 that God acknowledges men having emissions of semen – WITHOUT their wives present, masturbation. He never condemns it and puts in the same category the natural bodily functions of having sexual intercourse with your wife, or a woman having a bloody discharge from her period.

Conclusion

Don’t let anyone steal your joy, or take away the “escape” or the pleasure that God has given you through his wonderful gift of masturbation. Always return to these 8 Biblical truths – and enjoy the freedom, not to sexually sin, but to enjoy what God has given you.

Just remember – Christian teachers not too many centuries ago were telling married couples that they could not even enjoy sexual intercourse together!

The Importance of talking about sexuality with your Christian wife and children

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It is one thing to study out what you as Christian husband believe God teaches in his Word about sexuality, and it quite another to apply that to your life and especially to teach these truths to your wife and children.

In the last year this site has had over 71,000 views and some of the pages on this site ranks on the first page of google searches for certain subjects. The point is – what started out as me just researching this issue of Christian sexuality for myself, has thankfully been a blessing to thousands of Christians in the United States as well as around the world.

I realize I may not be the best writer(and I certainly make a lot of grammar mistakes, especially when I am passionately writing a post), but my heart’s desire is to hear what God wants to show me, and then share what God has shown me with others, and hopefully it will help them as well.

With all that being said I have been asked on more than one occasion how all this has affected my life personally, and how I apply these principles with my wife and children. Since this site is anonymous, I believe I can be frank and answer these questions honestly without bringing any embarrassment to my wife or children.

As far as my children are concerned, I have 5 children, two older teenage sons, a teen daughter in the middle, and two younger sons (11 & 9).

I have always had good communication with my children about sexual issues and have always told them that no subject is off limits, we just need to make sure we do it at the right place and time (some things are meant for private discussion).

Even before I had my epiphany a couple years ago that it was ok for a Christian man to look at certain forms of nudity and erotica, I always had a non-judgmental view toward male sexuality. I knew I struggled with some things and felt guilty a lot, but I was not going load that guilt on my sons or other Christian men. I told my teenage sons I realized they were young men, and I went through exactly the same feelings and urges they did, and that is was normal.

Once I realized simple erotic nudity was ok to look at, I realized this could be an invaluable tool to keep them from the real danger – pornography. It is a lie pure and simple to say that looking at erotic images will lead to looking a pornography, the truth is the exactly the opposite.

When Christian men are made to believe that all viewing of any nudity other than their wife is wrong they eventually move to pornography. The reasoning basically goes like this, “For some reason I am drawn to nudity even though everyone tells me it is wrong, so if I am going to sin, I might as well go all the way”.

But when Christian men realize the truth that God does allow them to look at nudity (within the boundaries of his law) it is a freeing experience, and there is nothing like the first time your entire life that you can masturbate to a nude image – GUILT FREE. It is nothing short of amazing.

I have not shown my 15 year old my blogs, but I have talked with him about the material on those blogs. I allow him to have swim suit pictures in his room (and I would not scold him if I caught him looking at nudity). I have recently allowed my 17 year old to look at Christian Erotica as I believe it will help him to stay pure for marriage, when he understands there is a natural and Godly way to experience his sexuality before he eventually marries a woman someday.

Just this last week my soon to be 13 year old daughter (who was an early bloomer at age 11 and is well developed for her age) asked me the million dollar question – “Dad why do boys like to look at pictures of naked girls?” Boy did she come to the right place!

I went through the Bible and showed her how the heroes she has grown up learning about – Abraham, Jacob, Gideon, David and others had many wives. I told her that while it might come as a shock to her, a man is perfectly capable of loving two or more women at the same time and God has designed him with this special ability.

I showed her that God has designed women to monogamous, to only desire one man because that his purpose for women, for a woman to have many husbands would be a sick perversion of God’s design of marriage.

I asked my daughter some simple questions – if a woman had more than one husband, who would be her head (because the Bible says the husband is the head of the wife)? If a woman had more than one husband, how would she know who the father of her child was?

But I said with a polygynous marriage (a man having many wives), there are no such conflicts. He is the head of each woman. He becomes “one flesh” by having sex with each of his wives, as God commands him to do. There is absolutely no question who the father and mother of a child is in a polygynous marriage. I also told her that in polygynous marriages of the past, there was no question who the marriage centered on (the man or the woman) – each woman knew that she was created to serve her husband.

I showed my daughter how God regulated polygamy, and God talks about sex in the Song of Solomon (she had already had the sex talk a couple years ago when she started her period). I showed her how in I Corinthians God commands husband and wives to have sex regularly. I explained to her that while sex is a duty for both husbands and wives, that if a woman takes the right attitude toward it, God designed her to be able to experience the same pleasure her husband does.

I explained to her that because men can no longer legally practice polygamy – nude paintings, pictures and other things given them a natural outlet for their polygamous nature. I told her that when she one day marries a man, if she will accept his nature as God has designed it (and not as she might want it to be), and accept that she is a gift to her husband (both her mind and her body), that she will have a long and happy marriage.

If she fails to accept any of these Biblical principles, I told her that she may be in for a lot of heartache and ruin in her marriage. My daughter thanked me for explaining how boy’s minds work, and in a way what I said made sense to her. She said it would take some time for it to fully sink in, and I told her that was perfectly fine, she has plenty of years for it to sink in.

Then comes how I apply this to my wife. As I have stated on some other posts on this blog, my second and current wife is much more accepting of male sexuality that my second wife. With my first wife if I even glanced at another woman, she was all over me. My current wife has no problem at all if I simply glance, and she will even point out actresses in movies and ask me if I think they are pretty.

But as accepting as my second wife is toward male sexuality, she is still not fully accepting of it. As far as my blogs go, she knows I have them, but we have had a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy for the most part.

Just the other night I broke my own rule that I have told others on this blog and elsewhere when I have counseled men privately, and that is don’t share much, if anything about your private sexual life(i.e. your masturbation habits, or erotica you look at.) Most Christian women, because of how they have been raised both in American culture, as well as the churches they attend – cannot handle these revelations.

What happened just a few days ago was my nephew’s wife (they are newlyweds, just a few months) called very upset at my nephew. She had discovered some images of nude women on an old cell phone he had (he had just upgraded so he left his old phone at home). She knew that I blog a lot and asked how I felt about it. I had “the talk” with her about male sexuality, and explained that as long as it is not bad pornography (meaning group sex, orgies, homosexuality, bestiality….ect) that she should leave it be. I told her if she notices any change in their sexual habits, or him not wanting to be with her sexually, then she needs to address it, otherwise she should leave him alone, and accept his need for variety. I told her that I understood all of that might come as a shock to her as a new bride, but that if she could accept this over time her marriage would be stronger for it. Thanks to God, she accepted my advice as she has a lot of respect for me.

My wife overheard the phone conversation and asked me what was going on – she even guessed that his wife had found porn on his phone. I corrected my wife “it was not bad porn, what she described to me just nudity and that is different”.

My wife said “yes men will sometimes do that, and as long as they don’t get obsessed with it or start looking at the hardcore stuff than I guess it is ok. But I must confess, I don’t know why a man would need to specifically look up naked pictures of women, it is one thing if a woman shows up naked for a minute in a movie you are watching, it is another to specifically go looking for just nude women.”

Then she looked at me and asked the question ALL Christian men dread – “you don’t look at nude pictures on your phone like they do right? Let’s just say I am horrible liar, and there was no way I could straight face lie to my wife (although I don’t always think lying is wrong in all cases).

What I did was answer her EXACT question, with no more detail than she asked. I said “yes I do sometimes look at nude images on my phone, but not porn”. When I said “but not porn”, I knew in my mind I meant “not bad porn”(images of homosexuality, group sex, rape and bestiality) but I knew she would not understand the difference so I did not even try to explain it. There was no way I was going to tell her I actually have a Christian sex site, and a new Christian erotica site. And no – there is absolutely no passage in all the Scriptures that says a man has to tell his wife everything. In fact I could have even refused to answer her first question.

Her experience was that of a typical westernized Christian woman with a romanticized view of marriage – she shed some tears. I asked her why she was crying, and she said “I know other Christian men might look at nude images of women, but I just never thought you did. I knew you admitted you sometimes masturbated because we can’t have sex has often as you would like, but I always thought you were thinking of me when you did it. I just can’t imagine how you could look at a picture of another woman and masturbate to it.”

After that I that I ended the conversation, telling her that I loved her and that no masturbation was as good as being with her. We have a lot of issues to work on in the intimacy area, and she admitted it again as we discussed this issue. I told her rather than worrying about me looking at nude images, she should be thanking God that I do – because it keeps me from being tempted to actually sin sexually when we go for longer periods without having sex due to her many physical and mental infirmities.

So yes my wife has a small idea that I blog about marriage and sexuality in marriage (but she has never seen my blogs and does not know the names of them), and she has no idea that I also talk about and have a new Christian erotica site, I don’t think in her current state of mind, or with her background that she could ever handle that.

My wife actually came from some abusive relationships (mentally, emotionally and sexually) in the past and that does play a part in the intimacy issues we face. She has finally agreed to go through a great church counseling program we have in the area in this coming New Year, and I hope she makes good on this commitment. Please pray about that for me if you will.

But my wife also has a lot baggage from her mother growing up, as her mother was a moderate feminist and even though my wife is a Christian, feminism pours out into our marriage on a regular basis and I am constantly combating her contradicting the Biblical teachings I try to teach my sons, and my daughter.

I have been taking her disrespect to task a lot more lately, and have asked that she keep her opinions on some of these issues to herself(my kids are from my previous marriage, my current wife and I have no children together).

Again please pray for me as I try to love my wife with the Agape love that Christ loves his Church, but at the same time that God gives me the courage to lead my family, and confront sinful behavior whether it comes from children, or even my wife – always speaking the truth in love as God tells us to do.

I realize that after reading this, some might think I have no business giving sexual or marriage advice. After all my marriage has a lot of problems, and my sex life with my wife is far from ideal.

I used to think that about myself before I wrote these sites, and it kept from doing this work for sometimes. I thought “who am I to talk about these issues, only people with great marriage and great sex lives should talk about these issues”.

Then I realized, if we applied that to other areas of life where would we be?

Would alcoholics listen better to a person who has struggled with alcoholism better than someone who never has? Yes

Would divorced people listen to how to cope with divorce better from someone who has been divorced? Yes

Then I realized – God allowed me to experience the hurt in my first marriage(my first wife had an affair on me, and also had a lot of sexual issues) and he has allowed me to experience the hurt and sexual frustration in this marriage – so that I could grow and help others.

I realized how true God’s Word is when he says:

“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

II Corinthians 12:9

God also says in his Word:

“But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.”

Job 23:10

And finally he tells us:

Make me to understand the way of thy precepts: so shall I talk of thy wondrous works… And I will walk at liberty: for I seek thy precepts.

Psalm 119:40 & 45

If I had a perfect first marriage and hilariously happy sex life, if I never experienced the hurts that I have, or saw the blatant sinful behavior I have seen from some women I might never have spent the hours I spent questioning all the traditions and teachings I was ever taught. I would not have the passion for helping other Christian men that I now have. While God is not the author of sin, he does allows us to go through trials and he does this for our growth.

I hope in this New Year that God will continue to bless you through this ministry, even in some small way. I hope to help thousands of Christian men to “walk at liberty” when it comes to their God given male sexuality and to set them free from the shackles of feminism and church tradition especially as it relates to views about sexuality.

Thank you for your support.

UnEquallibido