This is probably a question that men and women have been asking since the beginning of creation.
It’s not that men and women don’t both want sex(at least people who have normal upbringings). It’s just the desire is radically different.
For most women, if they had sex once or twice a month that would be fine. When do want it most likely it would be near their ovulation cycle(most women do not realize their hormones kick in around that time). It might also be when they feel really good toward their man, like he has done something super romantic and kind towards them.
Most young men would love to have sex every day. For us old dudes, we could probably do with sex every other day.
But suffice to say, most men want sex a lot more than most women do.
So why would God wire us this way? Is this God’s idea of a bad joke?
I believe this is not some oversight, or design flaw by our creator, but our nature is this way by design. There are two ways to look at this that will illustrate why I don’t believe this is a mistake.
A Woman’s nature
What if women had the same high sex drive men did? I believe if this was the case we would have a lot more infidelity in this world. God purposefully made women’s sex drive wired to their emotions rather than being driven by physical desire alone. This creates a balance, and also a protection against infidelity. Most men would not be able to turn down a beautiful woman’s sexual advances. Most women however have no problem turning down men(even good looking ones) and do it all the time.
A woman’s desire for emotional connection and commitment forces a man to have a deeper relationship and commitment before physical intimacy can take place. Since God only wanted sex to occur within the bounds of marriage, this makes perfect sense that he designed women this way.
So basically before marriage occurs, a woman’s nature is God’s stop gap against premarital sex.
A Man’s nature
For men and women, under the right circumstances in a loving and committed relationship, sex can be an emotional and physical experience. In fact most men and women would agree that this is the best kind of sex. But for most men, this is NOT the only kind of sex. For a man sex can be 100% physical with no emotional attachment whatsoever, but for most women this concept(of physical only sex) is impossible for them to understand.
The reason from a biological standpoint is that man’s semen is replenished every 24 to 72 hours. This releases hormones throughout his body telling him he needs to release his seed. His attraction to eligible females around him grows more intense as each day passes. For most women this hormonal need for sex only occurs once a month around the time if her ovulation, but even then emotional connection is still needed.
We all agree that there are some traits we possess because of our fallen nature, because of sin. The Bible says that sin has corrupted us. But is a man’s high sex drive, and the fact that he can have sex completely apart from any emotional attachment a part of the sinful nature?
I would argue that the answer is NO. A man’s nature, his higher sex drive, and his need for sexuality apart from emotional attachment is a part of God’s design as well.
A man’s high sex drive is what drives him to have an emotional relationship with a woman. He knows she will only give him what he needs if he firsts meets her needs for emotional connection and commitment. A man’s sex drive is also what helps keep many marriages going because often times a relationship can grow cold.
Many people have argued that sex should come only after a woman has been properly romanced. I completely disagree with that. While a man should try to romance his wife as often as he can, this should not and cannot be a per-requisite to sex every time it occurs. In fact, the Bible places no per-requisites on sex(except for marriage of course):
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 CEB
The husband should meet his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should do the same for her husband. 4 The wife doesn’t have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband doesn’t have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Don’t refuse to meet each other’s needs unless you both agree for a short period of time to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come back together again so that Satan might not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
But why would sex without romance ever be good for a relationship?
Often times a relationship can grow stale or cold because of a variety of factors including stress. There are many times a woman might even care about an emotional connection because she is stressed. The man initiating sex, because of his physical need, forces the connection, or least gives it a chance. There are many women that will admit that at first they were not in the mood, but as foreplay continued and sexual connection took place they grew closer to their husbands, and they forgot about what was stressing them.
This also could be the same in reverse. A man might be stressed out with work or other things to the point that his sex drive is crushed. A wife initiating sex can often snap him out of his stressful state and rekindle the relationship.
So while it is true that romance often leads to sex, sometimes sex can lead to romance.
Why would God not make man and woman both emotional creatures, both with the same per-requisite of emotional connection and commitment before sex?
This is an excellent question. The reason is that God needed one person to be the leader, the fighter, the hunter and the provider while the other person needed to be a caretaker. A caretaker must be emotional and must be able to empathize easily with those for home she is caring. This design makes women perfectly suited to caring for children as well as the sick. It should come as no surprise that the vast majority of caretaker professions are heavily populated by women.
The man needed to be able to disconnect himself from his emotions, to compartmentalize them. That is why men make much better fighters and hunters. A man sometimes needs to make a decision based on pure logic alone, apart from emotion.
It is just as difficult for a woman to disconnect from her emotions as it is for a man to connect to his – and this is all by design.
Should a man try to connect more with his wife emotionally and should a wife try to be more sexy with her husband?
The answer to both these questions is a resounding YES!
I am not arguing that a man should ever try to become exactly like a woman, or that a woman should every try to become exactly like a man – because that would be going against our creator’s design. But can we sometimes meet each other somewhere in the middle? I think we can.
Basically I think as a men we need to try to meet our wives emotional needs. However this is a VERY tall order as women often don’t know what they want. But on a very basic level, women want their husbands to talk to them, and actually listen. Buying flowers doesn’t hurt either, but without the talking the flowers will have little value. It might be something around the house she has been bugging her man to fix forever and it just bugging her to death. The point is it could be anything, but we have to make an effort guys(I am preaching to myself as I can often times get busy with work and be neglectful of my wife).
For women they need to try to look at sex from their husbands perspective(very very physical perspective). She needs to invest in lingerie or other things to entice her husband, and remember that God has given her body as gift to her husband. She needs to present that gift to him often and make him feel that he pleases her sexually and that she desires him in that way.
Men and women both need to respect the others nature and stop shaking their fists at God asking him why he designed their spouse the way they are. If we respect God’s design, and try to work within the design he has made as opposed to fighting against it we will be much happier for it. That means as guys we can’t get mad at our wives for being emotional, or actually expecting us to talk to them. That means that women can’t get mad at men for wanting sex all the time, or for being such sexual creatures.