Is it normal for man not to cum?

Couple Arguing In Bed

This is a question that has bothered quite a few women.  For a woman who actually cares about pleasing her husband this can be devastating.

First let me address the word “cum”. It can have two meanings.  The first meaning of the word cum is when a man or woman has an orgasm. The second meaning of the word can refer to the actual fluid that ejects from a man’s penis when he has an orgasm.

Some Christians may think it is wrong to use the word cum, but I ask why? Is it a derogatory term toward men or women? The answer is no.  And when you are having sex with your spouse, it’s a whole lot more sexy to say “I am cumming!” instead of “I am having an orgasm, or I am ejaculating”.

So now let me try to answer(from a guys point of view) whether it is normal for man not to cum (and I will address both meanings of the word).

The answer is yes and no.  If a man never cums – then that is not normal.

Unlike women, men usually have a visual display of their orgasm when they eject semen from their body as they climax.  For reproductive purposes this gives the sperm in the semen a better fighting chance of getting to the woman’s egg.

The “yes” answer is that normally a man should cum.  The “no” answer is that sometimes, a man may not cum.

These are a few reasons a man may not cum:

1. He has masturbated several times before you had sex(he only has so much seminal fluid and then it takes time for his body to make more).

2. He had sex(with you) already that same day.

3. He is stressed about something or is not feeling well.

4. Normal part of aging process(this may happen more with older men 50’s and up).

But can a man still have an orgasm without seminal fluid coming out?

This is a question that many ladies may ask – can a man have an orgasm without seminal fluid coming out? So in essence cum without the cum(orgasm without ejaculation)?  Absolutely! I have had this happen to me during sex the few times in my marriage that my wife and I have had sex like 3 times in a 24 period, total orgasm with absolutely nothing coming out.  And actually the ejaculation(same muscle movements) still occur, it’s just there is no fluid to push out.

How often should this happen(where he does not cum) before a wife should be concerned?

Ladies – If this happens with your husband occasionally(like maybe 10 to 20 percent of time) you have nothing to worry about.

If however it happens more than 20 percent of time – there may be some other issues.

I want to divide these into issues you don’t need to worry about as a woman, and those issues you should worry about:

Reasons a man may have a difficult timing cumming that a wife does not need to worry about:

1. It may just be blood flow issue and he can see the doctor about getting on ED medication.

2. If it is stress from work, or some other psychological issue than try to encourage your husband to seek out professional counseling.

Reasons a wife should be concerned about her husband not cumming:

If you have ruled out the two reasons I gave above then we have to get into the more concerning areas. The first is pornography.  But ladies please be careful on this one, too many women jump to this conclusion way too fast when there are issues in the bedroom, so tread lightly.

Yes – from a Biblical perspective it is wrong to watch two people who are not married having sex(fornicating).

But while it is sin, it an easy sin for good Christian men to fall into.  Also unless he is looking at it all the time(obsessively) it probably is not what is affecting him the bedroom. Men are wired for variety, and those who look at pornography I encourage to switch over to erotica.  I define erotica as drawings or paintings of people having sex, or photography of nude women(not having sex).  We are forbidden from viewing images or film of actual people committing fornication or adultery and most photographic images and film are one of those two things.

But the viewing of the naked female body(or male body for by a woman), and deriving pleasure from the mental images of it is not sin.

Another reason though that married men may seek out pornography.  One of the big reasons is that their wives rarely let them see them naked, nor do their wives use their nakedness to arouse their husbands.  There are many couples who have sex in the dark all the time, and this is not good for a man.  He needs to view his wife’s nakedness, he is wired for it.

Men also seek out pornography when they are not getting to have sex very often with their wife, or when they feel their wife will just turn them down.  It is easier to just pull up some porn, and take care of his sexual need.

I realize for many women this entire concept is hard to understand, but if you have found that your husband has been viewing pornography you need to be careful how you approach this with your husband, and make sure you are doing everything you can to meet your husband’s sexual needs.

The other concerning reason your husband may be having issues with cumming is because he is having an affair.  This is the absolute worst case scenario and no woman should jump to this conclusion first.  All other reasons should be exhausted first.  Most of the time this is not the reason for man not being able to cum as often.

How should a wife handle it when her husband does not cum?

With utter gentleness.  If your husband has an orgasm but no ejaculate there should be no cause for concern (unless as I said above it happens all the time). But even if he does not have an orgasm, it is up to him whether he wants to keep going and he should not be pressured to have an orgasm.  Don’t make him feel bad, don’t display frustration with him.  Just love him and cuddle up to him and let him know everything is fine.

Conclusion

Ladies don’t beat yourself up if your husband does not always have seminal fluid come out, or even if he does not always have an orgasm.  You may feel like you failed, but if he is ok then you can rest easy(the same way you might be with him if you don’t have an orgasm every time).  Now there are some issues as I said you may need to seek counseling about, if this happens all the time.  It could be excessive masturbation on your husband’s part where he has nothing left for you and that would need to be dealt with.  But if it only occurs 20 percent of less of the time(so maybe 1 out of 5 times) you should not worry.

Is it unreasonable for my husband to expect to see me naked?

After_the_Bath_Woman_with_a_Towel_by_Edgar_Degas

The following is taken from a discussion on Yahoo Answers (http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20121127011916AAx68W7

Is it unreasonable for my husband to expect to see me naked? Dani asked 11 months ago   I’m 27 and have been married for three years to a wonderful man whom I cherish and love more than life itself. he and I have a wonderful relationship and are best friends. he is the first man I have ever been with sexually. I dated a few other guys in the past but was not ‘active’.  We have a great sex life, but the only bone of contention he has is that I refuse to let him see me naked-at any time. When we have sex I always wear a long t-shirt and prefer the lights out if possible. I don’t change in front of him, nor do I let him see me naked in the shower, bathroom or under ANY circumstances.  He always thought it was a little strange, but it became a little joke between us because he says he always thought I’d eventually get over it. Recently though it has been really bothering him. He feels that if I’m his wife that I should want to be naked in front of him. I’ve noticed it starting to be more of an issue ever since we have talked about starting a family etc. His stance is that it’s a little intimate piece of me that he doesn’t have, however I’m sticking to my guns.  This isn’t born out of any religious beliefs -I’m not religious, nor does it have to do with any ‘bad experience’ etc., and it has nothing to do with poor body image. I’m a pilates and aerobics instructor and am impeccable shape and very happy with my body. Nor is it cultural, I’m half irish and half french and live in southern california. I simply just don’t think it’s appropriate for a woman to prance around naked in front of anyone at any time, even if it’s her husband. I just find it undignified and quite frankly a little bit slutty putting it all on display like that.  Is he being unreasonable by wanting me to do this? Should I cave on my convictions just to make him happy?

Additional Details

@Zombie: It is about something…my personal belief that it isn’t something that is okay to do.

11 months ago

@Rain: Yes, 2 do become 1, but that does not mean that I should have to do something that i believe to be wrong. I shouldn’t have to sacrifice my personal belief for him and then make myself feel unhappy or that i did something I simply don’t agree with.

11 months ago

@ Veronica: I don’t think you read the last half of what i wrote. I am very confident -that is NOT an issue. I love my body, I simply do NOT think it’s appropriate to bare it all to anotehr person -husband included!  And pole dancing and burlesque? I view both of those things as incredibly slutty…I’d never consider either one of those things. I don’t WANT to be ‘comfortable’ with my clothes off. Morally I don’t believe in it.

11 months ago

@ Everyone: So everyone thinks I should just throw my convictions and personal beliefs right out the window because it’s what my husband wants. What i feel or want doesn’t matter. Shame on all of you. THAT is what’s wrong with marriage….assuming the woman must do whatever her husband wants to please him even if it goes against her personal views. Nice.

I found this on Yahoo answers and I just could not pass up commenting on it.  What a selfish woman!!!

Unfortunately many women have this attitude with their husbands –  they may not be brave enough to post about it but they feel the same way.  Then these same women get mad when their husbands glance at another woman, or they discover their husbands have been looking at pornography. Please do not misunderstand me, I am not saying one wrong makes another wrong right.  But when a woman denies her husband those things which God has designed her to give to him(whether it be in sex or allowing him see her naked body) she is displaying utter contempt for God’s design and her selfishness toward her husband.

If she didn’t want to show her husband her naked body(and give him sex as well) she should never have gotten married.  She needed to go get therapy to understand her utter selfishness before she got married.   A woman who gets married and expects not to have to display her nakedness to her husband, along with giving him her body in sex, is like someone joining a football team expecting never to have to play football.

I realize the woman in this posting has not claimed to be Christian or even religious, but for those women reading this who are Christians let me remind you of these Biblical passages:

I Corinthians 11:9(KJV)

Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.

Proverbs 5:18-19(NASB)

Let your fountain be blessed,
And rejoice in the wife of your youth.
 As a loving hind and a graceful doe,
Let her breasts satisfy you at all times;
Be exhilarated always with her love.

I Corinthians 6:19-20(NASB)

 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?  For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.

I Corinthians 7:4-5(KJV)

The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.  Defraud ye not one the other

So in a nutshell this is what the Bible teaches:

1. Woman was created for man

2. Men are to find comfort and satisfaction in their wives’ body

3. God owns all our bodies as believers.

4. In this world(as opposed to heaven), God has given Men authority over their wives’ body(and likewise the wife over her husbands).

So based upon these scriptures it is crystal clear that God wants husbands and wives to give each other their bodies(and not just for sex).  This is also why a woman should wear clothes that her husband approves of(as long as he not asking her to go half naked in public).  But behind closed doors in their room, if he asks her to wear lingerie she should do it.  If he asks her to wear nothing, then she should do it.

If a woman refuses to give authority over her body(seeing it naked, having sex, having say over what she should wear or how she keeps herself) she is not in rebellion against only her husband, she is also in direct rebellion against God.  She has committed fraud, she is defrauding her husband.   In God’s eyes whether she said the words or not, when she agreed to marry her husband she promised not only to never give herself to another man, she has also promised to give herself(including her body) completely to her husband.

I would not fault this guy if he divorced this woman.  She has defrauded him of his marital rights and entered into a marriage contract under false pretenses.

Common sex copouts wives give their husbands

A “copout” as defined by Webster’s online dictionary is “a failure to face some difficulty squarely.”

These are common sex copouts I have heard women say, along with my translation of what it really means and then my response:

Copout 1: “Why would you want to have sex with me when I am not in the mood?”

Translation: “Why do I have to do anything I don’t feel like doing?”

Response:  Because being a grown up means having to do things you don’t feel like doing. Do you think your husband feels like picking up those heavy smelly trash bags every week? Do you think he feels like moving the furniture around when you get the itch?

Copout 2: “I can’t just get in the mood!”

Translation: “I have no control over my emotions”

Response:  If your husband wasn’t in the mood to go to work would that be ok? If your husband wasn’t in the mood to buy you flowers on your birthday or anniversary would that be ok? There are lots of times we are not in the mood to do things we need to do.  Sometimes we have to make ourselves get in the mood, and get down to doing whatever it is we need to do.

Copout 3: “All you want me for is sex!”

Translation: “I don’t understand why you need so much sex from me and I think it’s shallow.”

Response:  While it is true that this is not always a copout when a woman says this – often times it is.  Sometimes a man is completely neglectful of his wife’s emotional needs, he doesn’t just talk to her, he doesn’t tell her he loves her, he never compliments her – and the only time he approaches her is for sex.   But often times a woman will use this as smoke screen – to cover up her own lack of understanding her husbands sexual needs as man – it’s a way of making him feel shallow and carnal because of his deep sexual need for her.

How should Christians handle ED(Erectile Dysfunction) in their marriage

This is another one of those sex life killers for many Christian couples.  You both are getting frisky and then he loses his erection.

I know first hand how this feels as I am now approaching 40, and have gained weight over the years. (Both weight and age can be contributors to ED).

It does not happen for me very often, but when it does it can be very frustrating.  Often times my wife does not handle in the correct way and I can see she is laying there frustrated.  Often times it is just because she wants to get sex done and go on to whatever else she was thinking about, but sometimes it is because she actually wanted it.

The causes of Erectile Dysfunction(ED) are many, including stress(work or family or other), physical illness or weight and general aging processes.

Ladies – how you handle it when your man looses it is CRITICAL. You can have a frustrated look and make him feel more pressured(and if he feels more pressured it will take him forever to get it back).  OR you can react in a more helpful way to your husband and realize that he needs you to calm him down and make him feel relaxed.

Do you know one of the best ways to get your husband’s erection bac ? Yep you guessed it – oral sex. Give his penis a good sucking, but do it gentle and slow and then build up.  But the key is patience.  And ladies there is absolutely nothing disgusting or bad about sucking you husband’s penis after he has been in your vagina.  It is all natural, you just need to wrap your head(and your mouth) around it and your will be fine.

Also guys – don’t be too proud to get on some ED medication.  There is now a generic version of Viagra you can ask your doctor for and its a lot less expensive.

In the end sometimes a man just can’t get it back and that is when his wife need to let him know its ok, and guys yes it happens to us all so don’t beat yourself up.

Should Christians use different sexual positions?

Contortionist_Ravi_standing

No you don’t have to be a contortionist to use different sexual positions and YES you should.

I think another way to ask this question is to ask –  “Should Christians eat the same food every day?”

The answer is No way!

In fact many marriages have fallen apart because the couple has sex at the same time in the same position once a week(or month).  Variety is the spice of life and is critical in the sex life of any Christian(or non-Christian) couple.

I have written an entire article on the positions of sex complete with drawings(yes drawings).  Click here to read it.

In the above article I talk about all kinds of alternate positions you can do including:

1. Doggy Style(man from rear)

2. Cow Girl(woman on top)

3. Spoon(and no ladies – its not just for cuddling, this is spooning with a big twist)

And more….

Ladies please listen to me(and if you are one those few ladies who wants more variety but your husband does not – just substitute “Ladies” for “Guys”).

Do you want to make your husband happy? Do you love him? Would you cook him the same meal every night for dinner?

If the answer is you love him, and no you would not bring him the same meal every night for dinner, then why do bring him the same positions in bed every time you have sex?

Do you want him to be more loving to you? Do you want to light a fire in him that will cause him to do romantic things for you like buying your flowers? The power is in your hands ladies(and the rest of your body).

It really is that simple.