Just imagine – you are and your hubby go out grocery shopping. As you pass the flower section of the grocery store you give your hubby a gentle nudge and say “boy somebody has not bought me any of those in a long a time”.
Now imagine your husband picks up the first set he sees and puts it in the cart and says “There now I bought you some flowers so can stop nagging me”. I am sure this situation has played out many times in stores across America – and you could substitute other things for flowers – whatever it is that makes the woman happy. Is that the way you want your husband to do something for you that you like? Does just the act of him buying your flowers make you happy? Or does the attitude matter as well?
Let me first say the husband who had this attitude – is flat wrong. If that were me(and it has been me a few times) I usually say – “I am sorry I have been meaning to do that…I will surprise you sometime”. I make sure in the next few days to go to her favorite florist and I try to pick out a different arrangement I know she will like and have the flowers waiting for her when she gets home from work. I am not saying I do everything right, but that’s one thing I have under control.
So now ladies lets turn this situation around on you. You are walking through a department store and pass the lingerie section. Your husband sees the lingerie and says – “I haven’t seen you wear any of the ones I got you in a long time.” You just give him the look of disgust and are just thinking of all the things around the house you have asked him to fix – and those things are not fixed yet.
You get home and you go to your room and grudgingly put on some of the lingerie he has bought you for Valentine’s day or some other occasion. He walks in and you say “ok you can stop whining now – I put one on for you – let’s get this over with”.
Now again this is a situation that plays out all across America just as the husband and flowers incident does. This is perfect example of grudge sex – you are having sex, but grudgingly. Some men will tolerate it and still go for it – others like myself – I may go for it just to avoid a fight, but I hate grudge sex, it makes me feel terrible and unloved as a man.
What should the wife have done differently? Instead of giving her husband a look of disgust and thinking of all the things he does wrong – why instead would she not concentrate on what he does right? That he loves her, that he provides for her and that for better or worse he is her husband and she loves him.
Then when he makes the comment in the lingerie section she might say – “I am sorry about that honey, how about you pick me out a new one that you would like me to where tonight.” Then when you get home you ask your hubby to go put the trash out, or run to the store and get you something. While he is gone you get decked out in lingerie waiting seductively in your bed to meet him.
The point is – there is something worse than flat-out denying your husband sex, and that is grudge sex. I have told my wife on several occasions that if she can’t do it willingly and with a good attitude that is engaged, I don’t want to have it. I have told her she just needs to gently let me down – and tell me “she is not there right now” or something like that. To put it bluntly ladies – no man who loves his wife wants to feel like he is raping his wife. And sometimes with the bad attitude you display, even when you grudgingly say yes – that is how your are making him feel.
Now before you ladies think you are off the hook and as long you gently tell your hubby when he makes a sexual advance – “I am not there right now” – that you are off the hook – you could not be further from the truth!
You are big time on the hook! If you turn him down, even gently because it is not the right time, it is your responsibility to make the right the time. You have to find a way to get yourself in the mood, whether it is in the next few hours, or within the next day. I understand some women, many women in fact, need time to process sometimes and get themselves mentally ready for sex, but you need to do it.
But on the other side – you cannot have the attitude that every time your husband approaches you for sex you are never ready – that you always have to get ready at some separate point – then that says there is a problem with you. You should be able to allow for spontaneous sex. If you can’t that is something you need to work on – or should perhaps see a therapist about.
Just more food for thought