Why a Christian wife should perform oral sex on her husband

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Most men have a very hard time articulating their sexual needs – they know what they are – they just don’t know how to express them.  They may be embarrassed or have some other reason for not sharing their needs with their wives. But make no mistake, all men want oral sex, fellatio, a blow job or whatever else people usually call it. It is true that some men have been taught that it is a sin to perform oral sex on their wife, or for their wife to perform oral sex on them. So they resist only because they have been taught a false teaching. Other men deny their need because they think women will think they are disgusting for wanting it. But none of these things take away from the fact, that in the depths of their hearts, all men want their wives to perform oral sex on them.

It is not not an abnormal thing to want, wives have been performing fellatio on husbands for thousands of years.

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How many men want their wives to perform oral sex?

Let me make this easy ladies – it’s 100%.  The same could not be said for you gals, but for us guys it is definitely 100%.   Another way of putting this is – if a survey were taken and 80% of men in the survey said they wanted there wives to perform oral sex, and 20 percent said they did not – the 20% are lying! Their wives were probably standing over them when they took the survey.

Believe me – I have known some pastor friends of mine who tried to act like it was not a big deal if their wives did not do that – and yes ladies men do talk about that – and no I don’t think it is sinful or wrong(it can become wrong under certain circumstances).   I always tell them they are flat-out lying to themselves and they have just given up and settled – and they never can disagree with a straight face.

Types of oral sex

Before I can get more into the why – let me quickly define the types of oral sex so we know what we are talking about:

  1. Sacrificial oral sex–  this where you perform oral sex on your husband, and get nothing back sexually except his undying gratitude.  This is all about him.  Maybe he comes home from work one day and has just had a horrible day at work.  While he is talking about his bad day, you place your head in his lap – and do what only his wife can do for him. That is sacrificial oral sex.
  2. Oral sex as foreplay – this where you perform oral sex on him as foreplay leading to intercourse –  this is always a great prelude to intercourse(and probably the context in which oral sex should take place the majority of the time).
  3. Mutual oral sex – this is where you satisfy him orally and then he satisfies you orally or you get in some position where you can satisfy each other at the same time.

What oral sex means to a man

If done with the right attitude sacrificial oral sex shows not only your love, but your humility as a wife.  Not only is it physically pleasurable(obviously) but you doing it – expecting nothing in return says a lot about your character to your husband – it is a completely and utterly selfless act.

Now I know someone could stop me and say – some wives may perform this act for selfish reasons and that is true.   Perhaps the husband and wife have been looking at furniture stores for a new kitchen table set.  The husband had a certain price range in mind and the wife sees one that is far outside the price range and she just has to have it.  Her husband objects saying it is too much money. So she tells him they will “discuss” it when they get home.

When they get home –  she persuades him – if he will allow her to get the more expensive dining room set – she will do him a “favor”.  That is no longer an act of love – but an act of sexual manipulation.  Sadly this occurs in a lot of marriages.

In fact for many husbands – the only way they ever get oral sex is if they buy their wives some expensive thing she wants or do something she wants.  So really the wife in this case is no more than a glorified prostitute – and this is very sad.   I had this situation in my first marriage, but thankfully not in my second marriage.

Oral sex even as a prelude to sex – shows the man you truly care about his sexual needs.  If you simply want to have a little foreplay where he kisses you and you kiss him, with perhaps some fondling and then go straight to sex – you are a selfish lover.  You are showing him you only care about sex when it is completely and mutually beneficial at all times – and you are not willing to make any sacrifices.

Why it is important for a woman to let her husband perform oral sex on her?

Yes there are many woman who love their husbands to perform oral sex (Cunnilingus) on them.  Personally I have never understood the ones who don’t want it very often(unfortunately my ex-wife and second wife fall in this category).  But it is important for a woman to also allow her husband to perform oral sex on her.  I understand ladies you have those times when you just don’t feel so fresh – and don’t want him down there.  But that should be the exception and not the norm.

Much of our self-esteem as men comes from how we feel about how we please our wives in the bedroom.  I know many women think that it is stupid – but look it up!  Get ten relationship books and eight out of the ten will give you this very important truth.  Besides that  – it is big turn on for most men to do that with their wives.

If you have a problem with him down there – perhaps you need to see a sex therapist and examine the psychological barriers that prevent you from enjoying his pleasuring of you.  There is help if you are willing.

If you are one those women with a rare husband who does not want to perform oral sex on you, see this separate article I wrote on that subject:

My Husband never performs oral sex on me

Did you know the Bible talks about oral sex?

The following passage alludes to the women craving the taste of her husbands semen – yes that is exactly what the allusion is ladies.

Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest  is my beloved   among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade,     and his fruit is sweet to my taste.

Song of Solomon 2:3(NIV)

This next passage is speaking of the woman’s desire for her husband to perform oral sex on her – literally to taste of her fruits

Awake, north wind,  and come, south wind! Blow on my garden,  that its fragrance  may spread everywhere. Let my beloved   come into his garden     and taste its choice fruits

Song of Solomon 4:16(NIV)

And for those who would reject these allusions and try to write them off as referring to something else – there is not one single prohibition against oral sex in all scripture.  Nothing in scripture limits sex to intercourse – period.

Ok the big question – what about swallowing?

Yes it has to be discussed – and no it’s not a sin to talk about it.    I don’t think this is a deal breaker for most guys – even if you just let him finish in your mouth from time to time and you gently spit it out – that won’t bother most guys. However while it is not a deal breaker, most men would tell you if you want to do it perfectly then you have to finish, and you have to swallow – that is perfect Fellatio(oral sex on a man).  So if you want the A ladies, you have to take the task to completion, else you will probably get a B, even though most guys would accept a B or even a C.

Not allowing him to finish at all in your mouth(whether your swallow or not) is offensive to a lot of men.  They see it as their wife rejecting them(when in fact she may not be).  So tread carefully here.

This is something you can learn to enjoy, I know that seems self-serving from a guy, but I have read from plenty of Christian women in marriage books or web articles make the same claim(that you can learn to enjoy it).

A lot of it is in your mindset – it is not like you are a prostitute having to do this on strange men – you only have to perform this on one man – the man whom you claim to love and with whom you share your life, perhaps the father of your children.  So if you think of it this way – you are tuning yourself to him and him alone – it is not such a daunting task.

If you have read my articles on nudity on this site, you will know that I do not believe nudity in and of itself is wrong for a Christian(not even to photography one’s self nude). With that being said, this site below offers more information on oral sex but a WARNING to you, it does feature actual married couples having sex.

Related article: Is masturbation wrong for a Christian?

Ladies do you have Grudge Sex with your husband?

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By Lara604 (http://www.flickr.com/photos/lara604/2369412952/) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Ladies,

Just imagine – you are and your hubby go out grocery shopping.  As you pass the flower section of the grocery store you give your hubby a gentle nudge and say “boy somebody has not bought me any of those in a long a time”.

Now imagine your husband picks up the first set he sees and puts it in the cart and says “There now I bought you some flowers so can stop nagging me”.  I am sure this situation has played out many times in stores across America – and you could substitute other things for flowers – whatever it is that makes the woman happy.  Is that the way you want your husband to do something for you that you like? Does just the act of him buying your flowers make you happy? Or does the attitude matter as well?

Let me first say the husband who had this attitude – is flat wrong.  If that were me(and it has been me a few times) I usually say – “I am sorry I have been meaning to do that…I will surprise you sometime”.  I make sure in the next few days to go to her favorite florist and I try to pick out a different arrangement I know she will like and have the flowers waiting for her when she gets home from work.   I am not saying I do everything right, but that’s one thing I have under control.

So now ladies lets turn this situation around on you.  You are walking through a department store and pass the lingerie section.  Your husband sees the lingerie and says – “I haven’t seen you wear any of the ones I got you in a long time.”  You just give him the look of disgust and are just thinking of all the things around the house you have asked him to fix – and those things are not fixed yet.

You get home and you go to your room and grudgingly put on some of the lingerie he has bought you for Valentine’s day or some other occasion.  He walks in and you say “ok you can stop whining now – I put one on for you – let’s get this over with”.

Now again this is a situation that plays out all across America just as the husband and flowers incident does.  This is perfect example of grudge sex – you are having sex, but grudgingly.  Some men will tolerate it and still go for it – others like myself – I may go for it just to avoid a fight, but I hate grudge sex, it makes me feel terrible and unloved as a man.

What should the wife have done differently? Instead of giving her husband a look of disgust and thinking of all the things he does wrong – why instead would she not concentrate on what he does right? That he loves her, that he provides for her and that for better or worse he is her husband and she loves him.

Then when he makes the comment in the lingerie section she might say – “I am sorry about that honey, how about you pick me out a new one that you would like me to where tonight.”  Then when you get home you ask your hubby to go put the trash out, or run to the store and get you something.  While he is gone you get decked out in lingerie waiting seductively in your bed to meet him.

The point is – there is something worse than flat-out denying your husband sex, and that is grudge sex.  I have told my wife on several occasions that if she can’t do it willingly and with a good attitude that is engaged, I don’t want to have it.  I have told her she just needs to gently let me down – and tell me “she is not there right now” or something like that.   To put it bluntly ladies – no man who loves his wife wants to feel like he is raping his wife.   And sometimes with the bad attitude you display, even when you grudgingly say yes – that is how your are making him feel.

Now before you ladies think you are off the hook and as long you gently tell your hubby when he makes a sexual advance – “I am not there right now” – that you are off the hook – you could not be further from the truth!

You are big time on the hook! If you turn him down, even gently because it is not the right time,  it is your responsibility to make the right the time.  You have to find a way to get yourself in the mood, whether it is in the next few hours, or within the next day.   I understand some women, many women in fact, need time to process sometimes and get themselves mentally ready for sex, but you need to do it.

But on the other side – you cannot have the attitude that every time your husband approaches you for sex you are never ready – that you always have to get ready at some separate point – then that says there is a problem with you.  You should be able to allow for spontaneous sex.  If you can’t that is something you need to work on – or should perhaps see a therapist about.

Just more food for thought

Accept his nature, Accept his needs

Ladies,

Let me tell you – as a man(even a Christian man) – we desperately need you to accept our nature and accept our needs.

What is accepting a man’s nature?

Based on what I have read in and my own experience  – a man’s two greatest needs are respect and sex.  These really going hand in hand.  A man not only wants his wife to respect him for who he is and what he does(his career – his provision for the family, his intelligence) – but he also wants her to respect his sexual nature.

No man likes be scolded by his wife for noticing her breasts, or googling her when she comes out of the shower.  Yet women do it all the time to their husbands.  They make their husbands feel like lesser beings for being visually stimulated – when this is how God designed man.

Another thing women do is give their husband the third degree for noticing attractive women around them.

I know it sounds romantic and wonderful to think your husband would never even want to glance at another woman because he loves you so much.   As the song goes “I only have eyes for you”, sound great, but it is not reality.   The fact is men are visual creatures and we don’t have an off switch just because we love our wives.

You cannot make your husband feel dirty or wrong because he wants to have sex with you, or because he wants to change up positions or asks you to wear lingerie in the bedroom.

You need to embrace his nature – yes yours is different, and you may not completely understand his, but you cannot and should not shame him for his nature.

Would you appreciate it, or do you appreciate it when your husband demeans you for being an emotional woman? It is your nature to be emotional, and you want your husband to respect that – in the same way you should respect his nature, especially as it relates to sex.

What is accepting a man’s needs?

I really believe you first have to accept and respect a man’s nature before you can accept his needs.  If you just try to blindly accept his sexual needs without first accepting and respecting his nature you will often fail.  You will just be going through the motions.

But if you accept his nature, then accepting that fact that he needs sex, and he may need it more often than you will be a much easier task.

You need to accept your husband is a visual, sexual creature.  He needs to see you naked, he needs to see you come out of the shower, or getting dressed in your bedroom.  That is so critical in a marriage.  So many Christian married couples never see each other naked – and always make love in the dark. While this may be ok for the woman – it is not for a man.  You are cheating him of something he needs, although most men have trouble communicating this to their spouses.

I once read in a marriage book by Dennis and Barbara Rainy a story about a young pastor and his wife.  The newly wed pastor and his wife were talking one evening.  She asked him “what can I do as your wife to help you be a more Godly man?”  He replied – “Some day when you know I am coming home from the church –  greet me at the door naked”.  Now most women – Christian or otherwise, are all shaking their heads at that.  But what this young pastor was revealing to his wife was what a wife needs to do for her husband.

The Bible clearly states that when you don’t meet your spouses needs sexually – you are putting them right in Satan’s crosshairs – you are putting them in temptation’s path.  If your husband is expelling all his energy in just fighting temptation – how can he be the best he can be for God and for that matter – for you?

Men will always look at other women, some may be more subtle than others, but we all look. We are wired to receive pleasure in our brain from viewing the female form. But that is not the same as running around having sex with different women.

Men need BOTH visual variety and a wife to make love to

A lot of people think it is a choice, either men need to look at other women, or they just need one physical woman who cares about them to make love too. The reality is men need both. They need a woman that loves them, with whom they share a bond to make love too.  But they also need to be able to view other women, without being scolded for it.

So what do you need to do?

Wives – you need to sit your husband down.  You need to communicate to him how much you love him.  If you have shamed him for his nature or needs in the past – you need to confess that and ask his forgiveness.  You need to ask him what you can do as his wife to meet his needs in the sexual arena – and then put that knowledge into action.

Stop shaming his for need of visual variety, for his need to view other women as well as you. It does not mean he does not love you, it is simply how he is wired.

For 95% of marriages – this will transform your marriage.  And don’t be surprised ladies – if your husband starts being more romantic as you meet his sexual needs.

Cheating your spouse of yourself

Most people today think of cheating in the context of marriage as a man having sex with another woman when he is married or a woman having sex with another man when she is married.  The Biblical term most people would apply is Adultery.

However the Biblical definition of adultery is different than our modern definition:

Adultery in the Bible occurs when a single or married man has sex with a woman who is married. Even if the man is married, the sin is NOT adultery against his wife, but adultery against the women’s husband whom he took. Examine the Old Testament and New Testament for yourself, Adultery was a property crime as a wife was the property of her husband.

If a single or married man had sex with an unmarried woman or prostitute that would be called fornication or whoredom.

So it was technically impossible for a man to “cheat on his wife”, if he slept with another woman it was a property crime against another man, not against a sin against his wife. If he slept with an unmarried woman it was a sin against her father. If she slept with a married woman it was a sin against her husband.

Obviously all sin, whether adultery or fornication(whoredom) is also a sin against God.

So technically only a wife can cheat on her husband. But both the husband and wife can cheat each other of themselves.

“3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”

I Corinthians 7:3-5(KJV)

When you consent to marry someone – Biblically you give up the “power” or authority over your own body – it now belongs to your spouse.  This applies equally to the husband and to the wife.  This flies in the face of modern feminism that teaches women they have control over their own bodies – they have a right to deny their husband and tell him no.  Am I condoning rape here? No and I don’t think any husband acting in love would do that. But Biblically – unless it is by mutual consent – you do not have a right do deny sex to your spouse.

I use many translations – but in this particular verse I think the old King James version nails it better than any other version. In the context of marriage – it is fraudulent – to deny your partner your body(and by extension your mind – as sex is both a mental and physical activity).

Webster’s online dictionary says to “defraud” is “to deprive of something by deception or fraud”. Other synonyms for defraud are “to cheat,to hustle, to swindle”.

Basically the Bible is saying that a man has legitimate right to expect sex with his wife – and not just sex – but access to her body.  The same goes for the wife – she has a right to sex with her husband and access to his body.  So when you flirt with your husband before marriage and act like your going to rock his world when you are married – and then pull the veil back after a few months of marriage and stop having sex as much or being as loving toward him – you are acting in a fraudulent manner!  You are a cheat! You are a swindler!

I realize that people can come back and say – what if he stops being romantic, what if he is working a lot or not paying as much attention to her – doesn’t she have a right to pull back – NO!

The Bible does not say – “Wives your husband has power over your body – except if he is not being romantic enough, or shaking it up enough, or spending enough time with you”.  It also does not say for men “Your wife has power over your body – except if she is not being respectful toward you”.

Often times the act of coming together in the form of sex can bring healing to a marriage.  Most couples think they have to talk everything out and make everything good before they can have sex – that is the world’s philosophy – not God’s.  You can come together no matter what in good times and in bad times.  Ladies – this is not just a command from God, it also is a good practice.  Trust me  for 95% of husbands out there – if they are cranky, had a bad day at work, or you two are just fighting, you can completely turn the situation around by just making love to him – try it!

Sex is a requirement for marital love

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Bridge and Groom Photo source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Mactographer

Imagine if you and your wife went to go work at a construction site and the foreman tells you that you need to wear hard hats and safety glasses.  So you both put on hard hats and safety glasses and go to work.  After a few months working on the site your wife decides she just doesn’t like the hard hat, it just is not comfortable for her. So you decide if she can take the hard hat off then you can take off the annoying safety glasses.

The foreman comes by and asks why you have taken off these safety items and you both respond that they are not necessary and you can go on without them.  He tries to warn that these things are for your own safety and it is dangerous to go on without them.

While the above story seems ridiculous that is what many Christians do with marriage.  The reality is that many Christians have great sex in the beginning of their marriage and then it all goes away not long after the first few years.  It starts with stopping things like oral sex and then ends up with sex every Tuesday night, missionary style only.  This does not make for a good marriage.

This is the sign that should have to be read by every Christian couple before they enter marriage(ok it should be in private and maybe on a print out) but you get the point:

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Sex is NOT an option in marriage, it is a requirement.

3 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

I Corinthians 7:3-5 (NASB)

The Bible is crystal clear here – that when we marry we give stewardship of our body to our spouse.  In the greatest sense we all belong to God, but God has command that married couples are to surrender their bodies to their spouses.  Obviously if we are acting in love towards our spouse we will not treat them like a sex slave – and that is not what the Bible is saying.  But it is also not saying that sex is optional, or something you just do when you both feel like it.

God gave man and woman that ability to have sex in order to bring them closer together, yet so many couples miss out on this blessing.

Far too often people – most often women, make the mistake of separating sex and love. Yes it is true that you can have sex with someone without loving that person.  But it is very hard to argue that you love your spouse yet you do not want to have sex with them.  It may be a different kind of love, like a friendship love, but if you don’t want to have sex with your spouse then you don’t have the marriage kind of love – the kind that God wants you to have.

The sex drive is a powerful tool designed by God to draw a man to a woman.  Women often times deride the male sex drive as shallow and trivial, yet they should thank God for it.  They see their kind of love, based on emotional connection as somehow a superior form of love.  The reality is  – God knew we need both types of love for a successful relationship – we need the emotional, spiritual and physical love for a complete relationship.

Often times women – and even some marriage books, try to convince men that the kind of way a woman loves is better – and men need to change their natures to accept this truth.  While the kind of way a man loves – is spit on as carnal,as small.

A woman must accept man as God has designed him, not as she would like to remake him.  The same is true for a man – he needs to accept a woman as God as designed her and accept her the same.  What this means is we love the other person the way they need to be loved, not how we need to be loved or how we think they should accept love.

Ladies do you realize it is your husbands sex drive, his hunger for an emotional AND physical connection to you that can only come through sex with you, that drives him to do all the things you love?  Do you understand that whether it is on a conscious level or unconscious level every time he makes up with it is his sex drive that fuels most of that?  When he buys you flowers, when opens the door for you, when he makes you feel special and tells you that you are beautiful – all that is fuel by his male sex drive.   It’s not shallow, it’s not carnal, it is how God designed your husband.

Don’t misunderstand me – I am not saying every time I do something nice with my wife I expect sex that same hour or same day – that’s ridiculous.  But what it means is – I want to build up my wife and make her feel loved, so that at some point in the future she will make me feel loved in that special unique way that God has given her, and her alone.

And now I can hear all the people who read Christian marriage books that say we should do for our spouse expecting nothing in return.  That is huge topic and I will write a separate blog post just on that concept – the short answer is that is not actually true or even Biblical.  It is perfectly natural within the confines of marriage for a husband and wife to expect some basic things from their spouse.  It’s when you have too many expectations that you get into trouble.

What about the exceptions?

I love it whenever this topic comes up – someone will say – what about couples who cannot have sex because of physical limitations? Perhaps one or both spouses have been in a car accident, or have had strokes or simply because of age and frailty they cannot have sex.

Let me share a truth with you that I firmly believe in – “exceptions do not negate norms”.  What that means is just because something is an exception to a rule, it does not make what you should do in a normal situation any different.

For those couples who cannot be together physically – if they truly love one another in the marriage sense they long to be together in that physical way and they pray for grace from God to deal with this.

And yes even with older couples who may still be able to enjoy sex, their frequency may be much less in their old age and interrupted at times due to health issues – but it never goes away completely, if they are loving one another the way God wants them too.