Do Christian wives have to submit to requests for anal sex by their husbands?

This is one of the best explanations of I have ever read of why anal sex goes against God’s design of sex.

Biblical Gender Roles

In Ephesians 5:24 the Bible commands that wives are to submit to their husbands in “everything”.  Does “everything” include anal sex? Or does this fall under the exception clause to all earthly submission that “We ought to obey God rather than men.”(Acts 5:29)?

Beyond submission – what if the woman wants anal sex? Is it ok for a Christian couple to engage in anal sex?

Some Christians would give a quick response of “No way – anal sex is sodomy and sodomy is condemned in the Bible!”

However the word “sodomy” never occurs in the Bible.  That is a word made up in the English language.  Most people today when they hear the word sodomy think of one of two things – homosexual acts especially between two or more men or anal sex.  But the definition of sodomy in English is broader than this and includes oral sex or anal…

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12 Things Every Christian Husband Needs to Know about Sex

Advic

While women often times feel completely ignorant when it comes to sex often times men overrate what they think they know about sex.

I know as a man you want to jump right to the technical details of sex but before you do that you must understand some very important Biblical principles regarding sex in marriage.

6 Biblical Principles about Sex in Marriage

Sex is a right and a responsibility in marriage

“3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” – I Corinthians 7:3-4 (KJV)

In marriage your body belongs to your wife for the purposes of having sex. Verse 3 of I Corinthians 7 shows that you as a husband have the duty to GIVE your body to your wife for sex. Verse 5 shows that your wife has the right to USE your body for sex when she desires it. If you are like the vast majority of men you are saying “Awesome! My wife can use my body for sex anytime she wants!” But there is more to this then her just wanting sex and you giving her sex. It means you use your body not just to get the pleasure you desire from your wife – but to give her pleasure as well.

Sex is not just for husbands it is also for wives!

A lot of women (Christian and non-Christian alike) think sex is only for men. That could not be further from the truth Biblically speaking. In I Corinthians 7:3-4 we see that God tells not only wives but also husbands to render their bodies to their wives for sex. God not only tells husbands they have power to use their wives body for sex but he also tells women they have the power to use their husband’s body for sex. God would not have said that if sex was only for men.

Sex is a need not a want

Sex is a psychological and physiological need in marriage. Some say “sex is a want because no one ever died from not having sex”. But here is the truth. While no one ever died from not having sex – many marriages have died from lack of sex! This is why the Bible compares sex to food and clothing (things that we would agree are necessities).

“10 If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish.

11 And if he do not these three unto her, then shall she go out free without money.” – Exodus 21:10-11 (KJV)

The phrase “duty of marriage” literally refers to right of sex in marriage. While couples often sin against each other in many ways some sins God considers grave enough to break a marriage and sexual defraudment is one of them.

Men you understand that sex is a need much more than your wife probably ever will. But you must find ways to help gently convince her of this Biblical and biological truth. God wants there to be both physical and emotional intimacy in marriage. He has given men a strong desire for physical intimacy and women a strong desire for emotional intimacy to accomplish his purposes.

Sex is not just for making babies – it is for pleasure as well!

The entire book of the Song of Solomon is about the physical pleasures of sex. Don’t ever say to your wife as many wives have about your breasts “these are for babies not for you”. That is so WRONG! If God had meant for your breasts to only be for babies then you would be like all other mammals who breasts shrink inside their bodies when not needed for nursing children.

Let me be blunt – you breasts and vagina are only temporarily used for bearing your children and feeding them. The rest of your life God gave them to your husband for his use – for his pleasure.

“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.” – Song of Solomon 1:2 (KJV)

“7 This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.

8 I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples;

9 And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak.” – Song of Solomon 7:7-9 (KJV)

God tells your husband to come to you as his wife and for him to be ravished by your body and your love knowing his sex drive will often be stronger than yours. Ravishing your husband is not an option in marriage – it is a requirement!

“18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.

19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.” – Proverbs 18-19 (KJV)

The Bible recognizes the polygynous nature of men and so must you

God created men with a capacity for polygyny. Polygyny is more specific than polygamy. Polygamy simply refers to a person (man or woman) having more than one spouse. Polygyny is a specific form of polygamy referring to a man having more than one wife.

The Bible shows that God regulated and allowed polygamy in several passages(Exodus 21:10-11, Deuteronomy 21:15) and that he told David when he committed adultery with Uriah’s wife Bathsheba that he gave him(King David) many wives and would have given him more(II Samuel 12:8). God pictures himself a polygynous husband to two wives (Judah and Israel) in Ezekiel 23:1-7.

This may be hard for you to accept for two reasons. One is that you have been told your whole life that God meant you to desire and love only one woman. So even if you have found yourself finding other women attractive after being engaged to your bride you probably condemned yourself for doing this. But I am here to tell you that while God designed women to be monogamous both in their bodies and their minds this is not how he designed you as a man.

The second reason you may reject that you have a polygynous nature is because of how you feel about your fiancé. Right now she may be the only woman you think of. But I promise you my friend that a certain point after you are married you will look at and think of other women sexually.

Most Christian teachers will try and convince you that your attraction and desire toward multiple women is part of your sin nature, not your God given male nature but the examples I have shown you from the Scriptures show otherwise.   Some people will tell you things like “God created one man and one woman in the garden of Eden, not one man and multiple women therefore God’s original design for marriage was monogamy for both men and women”. But if God meant for men to have only one wife then was sibling marriage (what would later be called incest) also a part of his original design as well? Remember in the beginning brothers and sisters had to marry one another.   The point is that just as brother/sister marriage was temporary in the beginning of God’s creation so too was monogamous marriage for men.

My point in all this is there is overwhelming Biblical evidence that God allowed, regulated and gave men multiple wives in the Bible. He even pictured himself as polygamist husband in one prophecy. This means that man’s polygynous desires are not a part of his sin nature from the fall but are in fact part of his original design by God before the fall.

Am I saying you need to go and out find multiple wives? Of course not. After the Roman Empire outlawed polygamy the Western world became a monogamous only marriage culture. Our nation’s laws follow that Roman tradition and monogamy is well ingrained in our culture. For these reasons it is impractical for most men in our world today to practice polygamy even though God allows it and has design men with polygynous desires.

What is the point of all this talk of men having polygynous natures if they cannot act on them? The point is that if you suppress these desires or tell yourself they are wrong it will only end up bubbling to the surface and may cause you to act out in sinful ways. Instead you must fully recognize and accept that this is a part of your nature as man and you must channel in ways that do not violate God’s law. This means that you can recognize your attraction to other women and enjoy it! You simply cannot physically act on that desire with other women. You need to realize the only woman you can have sex with is the woman you have married. You can enjoy thoughts of other women, but you may not enjoy physically having sex with other women. If you do have sex with other women outside of marriage you are what the Bible calls a “whoremonger”. This is a sin against God.

“15 Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid.

16 What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.” – I Corinthians 6:15-16 (KJV)

You will find other women attractive and desirable after you are married and there is no sin in that. You may even have sexual fantasies about other women other than your wife and there is no sin that. It is not lust (contrary to incorrect interpretations of Matthew 5:28). Lust is when you covet a woman, it is not simply finding her desirable. Lust is when you desire to unlawfully have sex with a woman – when you desire to have sex with her outside of marriage.

See the lust category on this site for many articles on this subject of lust.

Sex is about far more than vaginal intercourse

Many wives think they are fulfilling their duty to have sex with their husbands if they simply spread their legs and let their husband have intercourse with them. Most of us men know that sex is about a lot more than that. If you don’t know that then you need to understand that it is.

Sex is about more than having romantic feelings and jumping in bed with your wife, kissing her, embracing her and then moving to vaginal intercourse. It is about knowing one another’s bodies. It is about savoring and enjoying the sight, taste and smell of one another’s bodies. It is about pleasuring one another in every way possible that does not violate God’s Word.

In the Song of Solomon we read about a woman longing to perform oral sex on her husband:

“As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.” – Song of Solomon 2:3 (KJV)

The apple tree in ancient Middle Eastern culture was often used as a symbol of a man’s penis and this symbolism would have been understood as referring to a woman performing oral sex on her husband. Notice that not only does the wife of Song of Solomon talk about performing oral sex on her husband – but she did it with great delight! Christian women need to cultivate a desire to know every part of their husband’s body and take an active part in sex and not just a passive part.

In the Song of Solomon we also read about a man desiring to perform oral sex on his wife:

“5 Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.

6 Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, I will get me to the mountain of myrrh, and to the hill of frankincense.” – Song of Solomon 4:5-6 (KJV)

The “mountain of myrrh” and “the hill of frankincense” of refers to a woman’s pubic mound and more specifically to her vulva and vagina. This is basically saying this man longs to touch his wife’s breasts and perform oral sex on her all night long. The scent and taste of her vulva and vagina are intoxicating to him.

In the Song of Solomon we read about a woman desiring her husband to perform oral sex on her:

“Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.” – Song of Solomon 4:16 (KJV)

“I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate.” – Song of Solomon 8:2 (KJV)

So as we can see from the Scriptures sex is about far more than just vaginal intercourse. It is about fully knowing and enjoying one another’s bodies.

Now that we have established clear Biblical principles for you as a Christian husband to understand sex from God’s viewpoint now we will get into specific things you need to know about having sex with your wife.

12 Things Every Christian Husband Needs to Know about Sex

Do NOT wait until the day after your wedding to have sex for the first time

Don’t follow this craze of people who think is ok to wait till the next day. It is a sad fact and I see this advice to couples online all the time that maybe it is a better idea to wait till the day after the wedding to have sex for the first time because of all the stress of the wedding and the reception.

Don’t let the fact that you or your new bride are tired keep you from this sacred trust that God has given you. Remember God gave you as a man the stronger desire for physical intimacy in marriage and he expects you to act on that desire. It is not unloving for you to desire sex with your wife on your wedding night even if she is tired from the wedding and reception.

The act of marriage is not just the wedding vows you took in that Church but it is act of becoming “one flesh” in bed. You have not consummated your marriage until you have had sex – period.

Gentlemen let me share a historical fact that most people in our time do not know about marriage. We say it is bad luck for a groom to see his bride before the wedding ceremony but in Biblical times a man had sex with his bride before the ceremony and the wedding feast! The man and women would come at an agreed time before the ceremonies and reception and they would have sex in a room (or tent) with family witnesses outside the tent. The witnesses were there both to verify that the act of marriage had occurred and that the woman was a virgin (if she claimed to be) and she would bring out a bloody cloth to prove her virginity.

The reason that the sex occurred before the vows and the reception is because the man in most cases needed to verify the virginity of his bride. If he found that she was not a virgin there would be no point in having the wedding vows or the reception because the wedding was off! In fact he could have had her executed if she lied about her virginity.

So there was no way you would be “too tired” after the wedding reception to have sex because you already had sex before the reception!

Today we literally have the marriage ceremony backwards from what it once was.

If you and your wife choose to go off to a hotel the day before your wedding and privately make your vows between you and God and then have sex for the first time before the stress of the public wedding ceremony that is perfectly fine! There is no sin in that. Just remember that your vows are binding before God even if they are not binding by the laws of men. Marriage is between God, you and your wife. State marriage licenses are a relatively new thing and really the government has no place in marriage as it is God’s institution and not man’s institution. Marriage licenses are actually an overreach of the authority God has given the government.

Don’t set high expectations for your first time having sex with your wife

Christian husband realize that your first sexual experience may not be this magical moment that you have imagined for years. In most cases it is quick and bloody. If this is the first time having sex for both you and your wife you may only last 30 seconds having intercourse with her. You may even ejaculate before breaking your wife’s hymen!

Patience is the key. You both have to be patient with one another. Also realize that you as a young man can have sex multiple times on your wedding night. So even if you are really quick the first time there will be the second time and possibly even a third time to try it again that evening.

Accept the fact that your wife may not have orgasms through vaginal intercourse

Your wife may never have an orgasm through vaginal intercourse with you. On the other hand, she might have orgasms through vaginal intercourse when you first start having sex and then perhaps weeks or months later she will stop having orgasms from vaginal intercourse.

When this happens this can be very frustrating for young grooms and brides. You as a man may feel like a failure for not being able to give your wife orgasms through vaginal intercourse like you once did and the your wife probably feels frustrated believing there is something wrong with her body.

If this happens to you realize there is nothing wrong with you or your wife’s body. It may have nothing to do with your sexual technique. The reason your wife had orgasms through vaginal intercourse in the beginning was because sex with you was brand new for her.

Two things happen once you and your wife get used to sex with one another. You can hold out longer because you are used to the sensations of your wife’s vagina against your penis. But your wife has also gotten used to the sensations of your penis in her vagina so that newness and excitement no longer exists.

Many women rarely if ever have orgasms through vaginal intercourse. If this happens to your wife as it does most women, you will need to manually stimulate her clitoris, vagina and breasts. You may need to perform oral sex on her in order for her to climax. This is OK – this is completely normal. Just make sure you follow her lead on this and both of you need to have a great deal of patience with each other. Relax and enjoy one another.

It is OK to masturbate

Christian groom – it is ok to masturbate both in your wife’s presence and in private. Sometimes your wife might be sick or not able to have sex for other medical reasons.   Please see my post “Why do married men masturbate” for more on this subject.

It is OK to for her to fake it

There are going to be times when your wife is just not emotionally there. It is a good and noble thing for a woman to fake it during these times. As a husband who loves his wife you want to please her sexually. You want to satisfy her. It is built into your nature as a man to desire to feel your wife is sexually satisfied.

But you need to realize that your wife is different than you. As a woman her sex drive is very much connected to her emotions. You can do all the right physical techniques but if her mind is on other things or she had a bad day or she just does not feel like having sex those techniques will not work no matter how hard you try.

You will only cause problems by pushing her to have an orgasm each and every time and you will stress her out by asking for score cards each time after sex. Just enjoy sex with your wife and do your best to watch for her signals if she wants you to do something different. Don’t tell her not to fake it. If you know she faked it then LOVE her for it. Love her for wanting to please you even though she was not in the mood.

Realize that you will probably need sex more often than she does

Both women and men desire sex and that is why as we previously mentioned the Bible gives both the husband and the wife the right to have sexual access to their spouse’s body.

A lot of women don’t know what their real sex drive will be like until several months after the marriage begins. It is very normal for a woman on her honeymoon to want sex as often or in some cases even more than her husband.

It is because her sex drive is more emotionally based than physically based. After the wedding and throughout the honeymoon and perhaps even for the first few months of marriage her emotions are running sky high. Because of the emotional high she is riding her sex drive is riding high along with it. The excitement of your new marriage may make her want to have sex all the time with you.

But eventually she will come down off that emotional high and her sex drive will settle in. And the fact is for most women once the newness of the marriage wears off their sex drive drops significantly. It does not mean a woman never wants sex anymore, but many women will want sex significantly less.

But because your sex drive as a man is more physically based than emotionally based your desire for sex in most cases will NOT diminish even months into the marriage. In fact you may even come to desire sex more often!

Most men have 10 times more testosterone flowing through their bodies as well as the physical need to release their semen every 48 to 72 hours and a wife should realize her husband is going to want to have sex A LOT more than she will.

As her husband and the spiritual leader of your home you need to set the pattern for sex right in the beginning. Yes be considerate of your wife if she is having legitimate physical issues then be gracious and allow her to give you a rain check.   But do not allow your wife to set a pattern of sex in your marriage where she only has to have sex with you when she feels like it. If you allow this habit to form it will be very hard to change her behavior in this area later in your marriage.

Does God require that you romance your wife each time before you have sex?

No sir he does not. God has made you different than your wife. Sometimes you will just want to have sex. No talking is needed before the event. It is ok to approach your wife for sex without going through some long drawn out series of romantic gestures. Now should you try to be romantic sometimes? Absolutely. Show your wife affection and try and talk to her and make her feel desired before you go to initiate sex with her as often as you can.

Sex is not a passive sport but rather it requires active participation

As men we want to put our hands all over our wives bodies but sometimes women need to be gently taught by their husbands that sex requires active rather than passive participation.

The basic rule is that her hands should always be touching your body in the same way your hands are always touching her body. Some women fall into a bad habit of just lying there with their hands at their side. You need to make sure you do not allow this habit to form and continue. Gently put her hands on your body. You may need to have a conversation with her outside the bedroom if it continues.

There are some exceptions to this rule. On exception to this “hand rule” would be if you were having sex in a position where her hands needed to be used to support her body like in rear entry (doggy style) sex. Another exception might be if she is masturbating as part of sex with you. But her hands should always be active – they should never just be at her side.

Seeing her body is part of sexual foreplay for you as a man

Sex in the dark is ok if you woke up in the middle of the night and decided to have sex. But other than that you need to see your wife’s body as part of the full sexual experience. You need her to wear lingerie on a regular basis. Many women not long after being married get lazy and stop wearing lingerie and visually arousing their husband – don’t allow your wife to do that!

Her beauty and not just her body is a gift of God to you as her husband. She needs to dress as you would have her dress. Obviously you need to gently talk to her about this. You should talk about what you believe as her spiritual head is appropriate for her to wear in public and what you wants her to wear in private. This is actually something couples need to talk about prior to marriage to make sure they agree on what is acceptable clothing and what is not.

Make sure she allows you to see her undress – and yes it is perfectly fine if it arouses you to want to have sex with her.

Be patient with your wife about oral sex

You know you would love for your wife to perform oral sex on your and if you like most men you will want to perform oral sex on her. But many women struggle with oral sex and you need to be patient with your wife on this issue.

But being patient about oral sex and giving up on it are two different things. Don’t let the issue slide. If you do you may wake up one day and realize you and your wife and not performed oral sex in months and this should not happen.

Oral sex is a very intimate act and many women can’t have orgasms without it and the truth is a man giving his wife oral sex is VERY arousing for him as well. For you as a man there is probably no greater act of sacrificial love than for your wife to perform sacrificial oral sex on you expecting nothing in return.

What if my wife refuses to give me oral sex or to let me perform oral sex on her?

A lot of Christian books tell men not to expect oral sex from their wives. Basically if it happens they should consider it a bonus. But this is not Biblically right. A man can expect that his wife will fully dedicate herself to the task of pleasing him sexually and this is NOT selfishness on your part as a man. Is it selfishness on the part of a woman to want her husband to tell her she is beautiful or do things like buying her flowers? No. We as men and women desire these different things from our spouses and this is not selfishness.

So if your wife is apprehensive about oral sex you first need to talk to her gently about it. Perhaps several times over several months have some friendly reminders about it. But If she steadfastly refuses to perform oral sex than perhaps you might pull back on some romantic gestures that she likes.

I think one of the key things men can use in this area is flowers. 90% of women love getting flowers from their husbands. Most new husbands buy their wives flowers on a regular basis and this is a good thing for any marriage. But maybe if you pull back on the flowers it will get her attention. Tell her in the same way those flowers make her feel loved so too oral sex from her would make you feel that she loves you.

Teach your wife that your affection for her is directly affected by your sex life

Notice I said “affection”, not your unconditional love. When Ephesians 5:25-29 tells husbands to love their wives this is an unconditional type of love. God wants you to show your wife unconditional love by leading her, providing for her and protecting her. He wants you to unconditionally be kind to her and forgive her when she sins against you. But this unconditional love is not the same as affection. Affection is a different kind of love which is very conditional on what your wife does.

Contrary to the popular statement that “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” we as men know that the way to our hearts is actually through our sexuality. This is not the way to a woman’s heart so this entire concept is foreign to many women, but we as men know this to be true.

Certainly we want more than sex from our wives. We also want respect and we want companionship. But all those other things our wife does will mean very little to us if she is cold to us in the bedroom. Realize this about yourself as a man – accept and embrace how your nature works.

I can illustrate this very easily. If you were going to have a romantic evening planned for your wife which one would be the better choice – to get naked and lay on the couch for her or make her a romantic candle light dinner? I think we know the answer as men what would be more romantic to our wives. But to us what would be more romantic? A candle light dinner from our wife or her meeting us at the door naked? Again if we are honest with ourselves we know the answer.

The unfortunate truth is that while most men would never dream of meeting their wives at the door naked as a romantic gesture toward her many women will try to romance their husbands in ways that are romantic to them as women. Women often have to be taught gently how to romance their husbands.

I hope you will take all these Biblical principles and other tips and lead your wife in the marriage God would have you to have. Marriage is hard work and no sex will not always be perfect. But a good sex life should always be the continual goal of every Christian husband and wife.

There is only one thing left to know about sex and that is sex positions! Check out our sex positions page here.

12 Things Every Christian Bride Needs to Know about Sex

While most Christian men can’t wait to get past the wedding ceremony and reception to the marriage bed most Christian women worry about this part of the evening. I hope this guide will help not only to put your mind at ease as a woman, but that it will help you better understand your groom’s sexual nature as it is VERY different than yours.

Contrary to popular belief, the Bible actually does have a lot to say about sex in marriage and much of it is found in the Song of Solomon. While this book does not give many commands it does give many examples that wise Christian women should follow. I suggest that every Christian Bride should mediate on the entire book of the Song of Solomon before her wedding night.

I realize you came here for a sex guide and not for me to simply list the entire Song of Solomon so don’t worry I won’t do that to you. Instead I will only use a few passages from the Song of Solomon as well as a few other Scripture passages to help guide you on your way to having great sex with your husband in marriage.

Even if you will not be a virgin on your wedding night as God would have had you be there is still much you can learn from this guide about sex in marriage from a Christian perspective.

First as a Christian wife to be, you need to understand some key Biblical principles about sex.

6 Biblical Principles about Sex in Marriage

Sex is a right and a responsibility in marriage

“3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” – I Corinthians 7:3-4 (KJV)

In marriage your body belongs to your husband for the purposes of having sex. Verse 3 of I Corinthians 7 shows that you as a wife have the duty to GIVE your body to your husband for sex. Verse 5 shows that your husband has the right to USE your body for sex when he desires it. I realize this completely brushes up against our modern cultural view that our bodies belong to us but they do not. Your body first belongs to God and then God has granted the use of your body to your husband in marriage. This is something every Christian wife must accept.

Sex is not just for husbands it is also for wives!

A lot of women (Christian and non-Christian alike) think sex is only for men. That could not be further from the truth Biblically speaking. In I Corinthians 7:3-4 we see that God tells not only wives but also husbands to render their bodies to their wives for sex. God not only tells husbands they have power to use their wives body for sex but he also tells women they have the power to use their husband’s body for sex. God would not have said that if sex was only for men.

Sex is a need not a want

Sex is a psychological and physiological need in marriage. Some say “sex is a want because no one ever died from not having sex”. But here is the truth. While no one ever died from not having sex – many marriages have died from lack of sex! This is why the Bible compares sex to food and clothing (things that we would agree are necessities).

“10 If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish.

11 And if he do not these three unto her, then shall she go out free without money.” – Exodus 21:10-11 (KJV)

The phrase “duty of marriage” literally refers to right of sex in marriage. While couples often sin against each other in many ways some sins God considers grave enough to break a marriage and sexual defraudment is one of them.

Sex is not just for making babies – it is for pleasure as well!

The entire book of the Song of Solomon is about the physical pleasures of sex. Don’t ever say to your husband as many wives have about their breasts “these are for babies not for you”. That is so WRONG! If God had meant for your breasts to only be for babies then you would be like all other mammals who breasts shrink inside their bodies when not needed for nursing children.

Let me be blunt – your breasts and vagina are only temporarily used for bearing your children and feeding them. The rest of your life God gave them to your husband for his use – for his pleasure.

“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.” – Song of Solomon 1:2 (KJV)

“7 This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.

8 I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples;

9 And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak.” – Song of Solomon 7:7-9 (KJV)

God tells your husband to come to you as his wife and for him to be ravished by your body and your love knowing his sex drive will often be stronger than yours. Ravishing your husband is not an option in marriage – it is a requirement!

“18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.

19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.” – Proverbs 18-19 (KJV)

The Bible recognizes the polygynous nature of men and so must you

God created men with a capacity for polygyny. Polygyny is more specific than polygamy. Polygamy simply refers to a person (man or woman) having more than one spouse. Polygyny is a specific form of polygamy referring to a man having more than one wife.

The Bible shows that God regulated and allowed polygyny in several passages(Exodus 21:10-11, Deuteronomy 21:15) and that he told David when he committed adultery with Uriah’s wife Bathsheba that he gave him(King David) many wives and would have given him more(II Samuel 12:8). God pictures himself a polygynous husband to two wives (Judah and Israel) in Ezekiel 23:1-7.

Most Christian teachers will try and say that a man’s attraction and desire toward multiple women is part of his sin nature, not his God given male nature but the examples I have shown you from the Scriptures show otherwise.   Some people will tell you things like “God created one man and one woman in the garden of Eden, not one man and multiple women therefore God’s original design for marriage was monogamy for both men and women” and this is something women often find great comfort in staking the position that God meant for their husband to desire them and them alone.

But if God meant for men to have only one wife then was sibling marriage (what would later be called incest) also a part of his original design as well? Remember in the beginning brothers and sisters had to marry one another.   The point is that just as brother/sister marriage was temporary in the beginning of God’s creation so too was monogamous marriage for men.

Even after examining the passages I have cited above as a woman this will be very hard for you to accept. But you must realize your husband was created with a very different nature than you. His sex drive is physical and polygynous in nature, your sex drive was designed by God to be emotional and monogamous in nature. You want him to be like you but that is not how God made him and you must accept this big difference.

You want him to desire you and you alone. But you must accept that he will find other women desirable even though he will never act on that desire and have sex with those women outside of marriage. And he certainly needs to act like a gentlemen and not be gawking at other women or talking to you about other women whom he finds attractive.

Sex is about far more than vaginal intercourse

Many wives think they are fulfilling their duty to have sex with their husbands if they simply spread their legs and let their husband have intercourse with them. But ladies please understand that sex is about far more than sexual intercourse.

Sex is about more than having romantic feelings and jumping in bed with your hubby, kissing him, embracing him and then moving to vaginal intercourse. It is about knowing one another’s bodies. It is about savoring and enjoying the sight, taste and smell of one another’s bodies. It is about pleasuring one another in every way possible that does not violate God’s Word.

In the Song of Solomon we read about a woman longing to perform oral sex on her husband:

“As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.” – Song of Solomon 2:3 (KJV)

The apple tree in ancient Middle Eastern culture was often used as a symbol of a man’s penis and this symbolism would have been understood as referring to a woman performing oral sex on her husband. Notice that not only does the wife of Song of Solomon talk about performing oral sex on her husband – but she did it with great delight! Christian women need to cultivate a desire to know every part of their husband’s body and take an active part in sex and not just a passive part.

In the Song of Solomon we also read about a man desiring to perform oral sex on his wife:

“5 Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.

6 Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, I will get me to the mountain of myrrh, and to the hill of frankincense.” – Song of Solomon 4:5-6 (KJV)

The “mountain of myrrh” and “the hill of frankincense” of refers to a woman’s pubic mound and more specifically to her vulva and vagina. This is basically saying this man longs to touch his wife’s breasts and perform oral sex on her all night long. The scent and taste of her vulva and vagina are intoxicating to him.

In the Song of Solomon we read about a woman desiring her husband to perform oral sex on her:

“Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.” – Song of Solomon 4:16 (KJV)

“I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate.” – Song of Solomon 8:2 (KJV)

So as we can see from the Scriptures sex is about far more than just vaginal intercourse. It is about fully knowing and enjoying one another’s bodies.

Now that we have established clear Biblical principles for you as a Christian wife to understand sex from God’s viewpoint now we will get into specific things you need to know about having sex with your husband.

12 Things Every Christian Bride Needs to Know about Sex

Do NOT wait until the day after your wedding to have sex for the first time

Don’t follow this craze of people who think is ok to wait till the next day. It is a sad fact and I see this advice to couples online all the time that maybe it is a better idea to wait till the day after the wedding to have sex for the first time because of all the stress of the wedding and the reception.

Do not start your marriage by sexually defrauding your husband on your wedding night.

This happens more often than you may realize.

The act of marriage is not just the wedding vows you took in that Church but it is act of becoming “one flesh” in bed. You have not consummated your marriage until you have had sex – period.

Ladies let me share a historical fact that most people in our time do not know about marriage. We say it is bad luck for a groom to see his bride before the wedding ceremony but in Biblical times a man had sex with his bride before the ceremony and the wedding feast! The man and women would come at an agreed time before the ceremonies and reception and they would have sex in a room (or tent) with family witnesses outside the tent. The witnesses were there both to verify that the act of marriage had occurred and that the woman was a virgin (if she claimed to be) and she would bring out a bloody cloth to prove her virginity.

The reason that the sex occurred before the vows and the reception is because the man in most cases needed to verify the virginity of his bride. If he found that she was not a virgin there would be no point in having the wedding vows or the reception because the wedding was off! In fact he could have had her executed if she lied about her virginity.

So there was no way you would be “too tired” after the wedding reception to have sex because you already had sex before the reception!

Today we literally have the marriage ceremony backwards from what it once was.

If you and your husband choose to go off to a hotel the day before your wedding and privately make your vows between you and God and then have sex for the first time before the stress of the public wedding ceremony that is perfectly fine! There is no sin in that. Just remember that your vows are binding before God even if they are not binding by the laws of men. Marriage is between God, you and your husband. State marriage licenses are a relatively new thing and really the government has no place in marriage as it is God’s institution and not man’s institution. Marriage licenses are actually an overreach of the authority God has given the government.

Don’t set high expectations for your first time having sex with your husband

Christian bride realize that your first sexual experience may not be this magical moment that you have imagined. In most cases it is quick and bloody. If this is the first time having sex for both you and your husband he may only last 30 seconds having intercourse with you. Some men even ejaculate before breaking their wife’s hymen!

Patience is the key. You both have to be patient with one another. Also realize ladies most young men can have sex multiple times on their wedding night. So even if he is too quick the first time there will be the second time and even the third time to try it again.

If he loves you and wants to please you it will get better I promise.

Accept the fact that you may not have orgasms through vaginal intercourse

You may never have an orgasm through vaginal intercourse with your husband. On the other hand, you might have orgasms through vaginal intercourse when you first start having sex and then perhaps weeks or months later you stop having orgasms from vaginal intercourse.

Many women don’t know what to do when this happens and this can be very frustrating for young grooms and brides. The man feels like a failure for not being able to give his wife orgasms through vaginal intercourse like he once did and the woman feels frustrated like there is something wrong with her body.

If this happens to you realize there is nothing wrong with your body. The reason you had orgasms through vaginal intercourse in the beginning was because sex was brand new for you.

Two things happen once you and your husband get used to sex with one another. He can hold out longer because he is used to sensations of your vagina against his penis. But you have also gotten used to the sensations of his penis in your vagina so that newness and excitement no longer exists.

Many women rarely if ever have orgasms through vaginal intercourse. If this happens to you as it does most women, you will need your husband to manually stimulate your clitoris, vagina and breasts. You may need your husband to perform oral sex on you in order to climax. This is OK – this completely normal.

Gently ask your husband to help you and show him how by moving his hands where you need them and giving him gentle instruction. Be patient with him as it might take him a little time to figure out how to help you climax.

It is OK to masturbate

Christian bride – it is ok to masturbate both in your husband’s presence and in private. In fact this is the only way some women can figure out how their body works and how they can have orgasms. Here is the cold hard truth. If you don’t know how to give yourself an orgasm how can you expect your husband to give you an orgasm?

I understand that some Christian women don’t want to masturbate before they are married because they are afraid of breaking their hymen. You can do it and be careful by not penetrating your vagina with anything including your fingers. You can manually stimulate your nipples and your clitoris without endangering your hymen.

It is also ok to masturbate if you had sex with your husband and he was just not able to ring your bell.   Sometimes it just won’t happen with him and it is ok to take care of yourself after you meet your husband’s sexual needs.

It is OK to fake it

There are going to be times when you are just not emotionally there. It is a good and noble thing for a woman to fake it during these times. Many loving husbands tell their wives never to fake it but at the same time they grow frustrated when their wives don’t enjoy sex all the time the way they do. It is unfair for a man to demand that his wife never fake it. He is putting her in the difficult position of having to turn him down when she knows he really needs sex and it can cause problems in the marriage.

You are capable of faking it – every woman is capable of faking it. The thing that stops most women is pride. They think they should not have to fake it or they use their husband’s request that they not fake it as an excuse to sexually deny their husbands the regular sex that he needs.

Some argue that it is not good for women to fake it because their husbands won’t learn how to please them. I am not saying that you should not honestly help your husband to know how to sexually please you. But once you have educated your husband in how your body works there will just be times when you are not “emotionally there” and for most women it is a requirement that they be “emotionally there” in order to have an orgasm.

Realize that your husband will probably need sex more often than you

Both women and men desire sex and that is why as we previously mentioned the Bible gives both the husband and the wife the right to have sexual access to their spouse’s body.

A lot of women don’t know what their real sex drive will be like until several months after the marriage begins. It is very normal for a woman on her honeymoon to want sex as often or in some cases even more than her husband. But let me tell you why that is ladies. It is because your sex drive is more emotionally based than physically based. After the wedding and throughout the honeymoon and perhaps even for the first few months of marriage your emotions are running sky high. Because of the emotional high you are riding your sex drive is riding high along with it. The excitement of your new marriage may make you want to have sex all the time with your husband.

But eventually you will come down off that emotional high and your sex drive will settle in. And the fact is for most women once the newness of the marriage wears off their sex drive drops significantly. It does not mean a woman never wants sex anymore, but many women will want sex significantly less.

Trust me ladies – you may think I am wrong about this but there is a very good chance this will happen to you and it is normal for most women.

But because your husband’s sex drive is more physically based than emotionally based his desire for sex in most cases will not diminish even months into the marriage. In fact he may even come to desire sex more often!

Most men have 10 times more testosterone flowing through their bodies as well as the physical need to release their semen every 48 to 72 hours and a wife should realize her husband is going to want to have sex A LOT more than she will.

What if I don’t want sex that often?

While some women desire regular sex with their husbands there are some women who could just do without it. They love the companionship they have with their husband but they just don’t need the physical side as much. Ladies if you have this type of thinking you need to get on your knees and give this to God. You need to ask God to grant you a desire to truly be “one flesh” with your husband.

But until that desire is cultivated in you – you will need to fake it. Faking it is part of being a grown up. We as adults have to fake things all the time whether it is at our job or in other areas. Faking it when it comes to sexual desire and sexual enthusiasm may be something God calls on you to do until you cultivate a genuine desire in your heart for sex with your husband. This is for the good of your marriage. Remember that sex is a need in marriage according to God’s Word. You cannot ignore this need in your marriage.

Does God require that my husband romance me each time before we have sex?

No mam he does not. Sometimes you might get some romance before sex and other times your husband might come home from work and say “I had a hard day at work – let’s go have sex”. For you this may make no sense because the last thing on your mind when you have had a hard day is sex. But God made your husband different than you. This is something that can help relieve his stress and it is your duty as wife as previously explained to render your body to your husband for his sexual use.

Sex is not a passive sport but rather it requires active participation

If you are having sex with your husband and you are not looking at him (keeping your eyes closed) or you are keeping your hands at your side you are not fully participating. You are only passively participating and this is not fully giving yourself to your husband as God requires. Your hands should constantly be moving on this body or perhaps you and your husband are grabbing each other’s hands. But in one way or another your hands should be touching your husband’s body at all times during sex.

There are some exceptions to this rule. On exception to this “hand rule” would be if you were having sex in a position where your hands needed to be used to support your body like in rear entry (doggy style) sex. Another exception might be if you’re masturbating as part of sex with your husband and this can be very arousing for him to watch. But your hands should always be active – they should never just be at your side.

Seeing your body is part of sexual foreplay for your husband

Sex in the dark is ok if you woke up in the middle of the night and decided to have sex. But other than that your husband needs to see your body as part of the full sexual experience. You need to wear lingerie on a regular basis. Many women not long after being married get lazy and stop wearing lingerie and visually arousing their husband – don’t be that woman!

Your beauty and not just your body is a gift of God to your husband. You need to dress as he would have you dress. You should talk about what he believes as your spiritual head is appropriate for you to wear in public and what he wants you to wear in private. This is actually something couples need to talk about prior to marriage to make sure they agree on what is acceptable clothing and what is not.

Allow your husband to see you undress – and yes it is perfectly find if it arouse him to have sex with you. Let your husband see you walking in your towel after you take a shower – flash him! Show him the gift of your body that God has given him.

Oral sex is very important to most men

In many ways men receiving oral sex from their wives is what getting flowers or other gifts is to most women. It is something that makes them truly feel loved from their wife. Imagine that you only got flowers or gifts from your husband when you gave him oral sex? How often would you be doing it? You need to cultivate a desire for oral sex both as foreplay and even as a sacrificial form of sex where you finish him sometimes without full sex having to occur.

One of the most loving acts a wife can ever do is to take her husband and unbutton his pants and perform sacrificial oral sex on him allowing him to climax in her mouth. This is an incredible act of love. Obviously most sex should end in intercourse but there should be room for oral sex and other types of “finishing the job”.

The objection that most women have to oral sex is that they think their husband’s semen will “gross them out”. Maybe they try it once and it does in fact “gross them out”.

First you need to realize your husband’s semen is an extension of himself. It is very offensive to most men when their wife finds their semen to be gross and displays that discomfort with his semen. Many women have issues with their husband’s semen – so if you have issues with it know that you are not alone in this. But this is not something that cannot be overcome. If you truly love your husband and ask God for help over time you can cultivate a desire and liking for our husband’s semen. You may need to do as we previously said and “fake it till you make it”.

The way to your husband’s heart is through his sexuality

Contrary to the popular statement that “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” the way to man’s heart is actually through his sexuality. This is not the way to a woman’s heart so this entire concept is foreign to many women.

I can illustrate this very easily. If your husband said he had a romantic evening planned and you came home to find him naked on the couch if you are like most women you would not find that romantic. Instead if he had a candle light dinner made that would be romantic to you. Now if you told your husband while he was at work that you had a romantic evening planned for him and you met him at the door naked that would be VERY romantic to him.

Wise women understand this big difference in what women considered loving and romantic gestures and what men consider loving and romantic gestures. Be a wise woman and give yourself fully and freely to your husband. By doing this you will light the flames of passion in his heart toward you and your marriage will reap the rewards.

There is only one thing left to know about sex and that is sex positions! Check out our sex positions page here.

The Taste of Sex

Imagine that every time you ate you plugged your nose as you ate.  Yes you would still taste your food somewhat if your nose is plugged but it is a fact that our sense of smell directly impacts our tasting of food.

This is what many married couples do as their sex life falls into a rut. They simply stimulate those obvious erogenous zones (like a woman’s breasts, a woman’s vulva and a man’s penis) and it is straight to intercourse.  This would be like just eating your food but never really savoring the taste of it.

Before we further obviously men and women need to have good hygiene and if a person does not do this the “taste” side of sex may be less than pleasurable.  So if you don’t have good hygiene man or woman – fix it today!

The Bible shows that we can enjoy the taste of our spouse

Do you enjoy kissing your spouse?

“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.” – Song of Solomon 1:2 (KJV)

Do you enjoy as your tongue touches theirs and taste of their mouth? Is it better than wine to you? It should be.

Wives do you enjoy the taste of you man’s penis?

“As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.” – Song of Solomon 2:3 (KJV)

The apple tree was a symbolism in ancient erotica of a man’s penis. This symbolism would literally of had the idea of a woman kneeling in front of her husband in the “shadow” of his penis and her delighting to perform fellatio on him.

As a wife you ought to be enjoying and savoring the taste your husband’s penis and the pre-ejaculate that goes in your mouth.  This should not be gross or unappealing to you. You should also allow your husband to finish in your mouth sometimes and enjoy the taste of his semen as well.

Husbands do you enjoy the taste of your woman’s vulva and vagina?

“I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate.” – Song of Solomon 8:2 (KJV)

The pomegranate fruit was a symbol of a woman’s vulva and vagina in ancient times.

As a husband you should desire to taste the “juice” of you wife’s “pomegranate”. It should be intoxicating to you. If is not you need to cultivate a desire for it.

You should also be allowing your wife to climax in your mouth as often as she would like. The truth is that most women do not have orgasms through vaginal intercourse.  Most women have orgasm only through oral or manual stimulation.  This is something every Christian husband should be comfortable with and he should also help his wife to be comfortable with it.

Conclusion

We should desire the taste of our spouse’s lips, their skin and their genitals.  If we allow ourselves to we can cultivate a taste for these things.  We should savor our spouse’s body like one would savor a good meal.  We should enjoy the tastes and scents of the one God has given us.

This will draw you closer and will make for a more intimate and arousing sexual experience with your spouse.  Trust me – sex after you have tasted one another and savored one another first is 100 times better than what most couples do when they go straight to intercourse.

I encourage you today Christian married couples – go and savor the taste of the one you love!

Picture sources – All photos are used under the creative commons license
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/deed.en

Couple French Kissing(first photo)

By KoS – Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=1280529

Apple Tree (second photo)

https://pixabay.com/en/apple-tree-branch-apple-fruit-429213/

Pomegranates (third photo)

By Flickr user Jessica May H, using a Canon EOS 350D Digital camera – [1], CC BY 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=9360102

 

 

Debunking “Your Brain on Porn”

The website “Your Brain on Porn” or YBOP it is sometimes referred to has attempted to convince people that Porn use actually changes and warps the brain in a negative way. This is of course just one of many sites that attempt to use brain science to convince people that porn use hurts the brain.

As I have said many times on this site, anything can be abused including food, alcohol and even things like video games and gambling. So just as someone can have an addiction to food they can also become addicted to porn. But just because something has the potential for abuse or addiction does not make that thing wrong in and of itself. It is the abuse of these things that is wrong.

“All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.” – I Corinthians 6:12 (KJV)

So even though it is lawful for us to play video games, watch TV, eat food and drink alcohol if we come under the power of these things (become addicted to them where they control our lives) then the abuse of it becomes sin.

Sexual Imagination is NOT Lust

Biblically speaking there is nothing wrong with a man having sexual imaginations or looking at sexual imaginations on film (porn). This is not lust. Lust is not sexual arousal or sexual imagination – Lust is covetousness.

“What shall we say then? Is the law sin? God forbid. Nay, I had not known sin, but by the law: for I had not known lust, except the law had said, Thou shalt not covet.” – Romans 7:7 (KJV)

Some would point to Matthew 5:28 to say that looking at porn is lust and therefore sin.

But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” – Matthew 5:28 (KJV)

Rather than spend a lengthy amount of time here on that passage when others have handled it well I will refer you to a recent post by BiblicalGenderRoles.com author Larry Solomon entitled “The Church Women and Barbeques” where he dives deep into Matthew 5:28 and its actual meaning.

The point here is looking at a woman and being aroused by her or having a sexual imagination of her is not sin or lust or wrong in anyway. It is when we begin to have covetous thoughts of how we can actually possess a woman outside of marriage that our thoughts turn to sin.

Two other Christian authors have written some great posts about why it is not sin for Christians to enjoy erotica and porn. So again rather than me just repeating what they have said – I will let them say it in their own words.

Why Porn is not bad for Christians or anybody else

http://genesis2twentyfive.com/erotica/introduction.html

I actually agree more with the position of restoringchristiansexuality.com on this subject of porn than genesis2twentyfive.com but they both make some similar points. The big difference between the two sites is that restoringchristansexuality.com believes we can redeem the word “porn” and use to refer to imagery that does not violate God’s laws regarding sexuality.

Psychology Today takes on “Your Brain on Porn”

I don’t agree with Psychology Today in everything they write as they are not a Christian website. But that does not mean there is no truth in anything they write. They do have some well researched and well written articles.

In an article entitled “Your Brain on Porn – It’s NOT Addictive”, David J Ley Ph.D. writes:

“There has been a tremendous amount of hyperbole about porn use, with many authors and doomsayers claiming that viewing porn triggers dangerous neurochemical changes in the brain. But, groundbreaking new research says that it just ain’t so, and that people who are problem users of porn are actually people with high libidos, NOT people whose brains have been warped sex and porn.

Popular antiporn advocates such as YourBrainonPorn and the group called Fight The New Drug , argue that porn use is a public health issue, not a free speech issue. These advocates often assert that if people and society only knew the damage that porn use was causing to our brains, that we would regulate it, in ourselves, and in the access that is allowed…

Fascinating, rigorous new research has now been done, which actually examined the brains of alleged sex addicts, and guess what? The results are a bit different than the rhetoric. In fact, the results don’t support that sex addiction is real, or reflects any unique brain-related issues at all.”

New research, according to this article, demonstrates that the different and higher reactions to porn and other sexual stimuli are not due to changes that porn causes to the brain – but simply differences in libido between different people.

In other words – if you have a higher libido you are going to have a larger reaction in your brain than someone with a lower libido – porn use does not make you have a higher libido.

This is the same argument people have tried to use regarding violent video games. Violent video games do make kids violent, the kids that are violent already had violent tendencies BEFORE they ever played those games.

In fact it could be argued that violent video games actually give people with more aggressive tendencies a virtual outlet so they don’t feel as compelled to act these things out in real life. In the same way I would argue that porn use rather than increasing actual sexual immorality (use of prostitutes or engaging in other sexually immoral acts) decreases these things because it gives men a virtual outlet for their natural sexual desires.

You can read the full post from Psychology today here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201307/your-brain-porn-its-not-addictive

Here are some more resources on this issue.

Porn is not the Problem – You Are

Five reasons you need to watch porn

Ten Reason porn is actually good for you

http://www.webmd.com/men/guide/male-masturbation-5-things-you-didnt-know?page=2

The difference between good porn and bad porn

Is “Christian Porn” an oxymoron?

Why Porn is not bad for Christians or anybody else

8 steps to confront your wife’s sexual refusal

This is a great post from BiblicalGenderRoles on the issue of men being sexually denied by their wives. Their is a Biblical remedy for this situation! If you are man dealing with this situation I highly recommend you check out this post. It might change your life!

Biblical Gender Roles

How should you as a husband handle it when your wife directly refuses to have sex without a valid reason? Is there anything a Christian husband can do about this?

This will be my last post specifically about sexuality in this series on “How to be godly husband”.

Christian Husbands – let me be crystal clear here. The situation I am addressing in this post is not your wife occasionally turning you down for sex (even with a bad attitude, as opposed to for health or other legitimate reasons). What I am addressing here is the wife who consistently and routinely denies her husband sexually simply because she does not need sex as much or she thinks she should not have to do it except when she is in the mood or she thinks her husband should have to earn sex with her by “putting her in the mood” by…

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How to overcome porn and masturbation addiction

Porn addiction and masturbation addictions/habits are just as real as alcohol and drug addictions/habits.   Do you feel that porn and masturbation have become the central focus of your life? Do you have trouble finding or keeping intimate relationships with women because you would rather look at porn and masturbate? If you answered yes to either of these questions you might have a porn and masturbation addiction.

Typically an “addiction” is distinguished from a “bad habit” in that with a habit there is usually not a physical or chemical dependency involved. Some define an addiction as something you have no voluntary control over, that you are compelled to do that action because of a chemical reaction in your brain.

Before I continue, I want to be clear that this post is going to address the issues of porn and masturbation addiction from a male perspective, but this is not to deny that there are women that are also deal with porn and masturbation addiction, but I think women who struggle with this issue are a fraction of the amount of men that struggle with this issue.

Here at the TheGiftOfSex we advocate for men to use porn(good porn that does not violate God’s design of sex) so it might seem like an contradiction that we offering help with masturbation and porn addiction.

The reason that you might think this it is a contradiction we are offering advice on porn addiction is because you think porn and masturbation are the enemy you are fighting.

The truth is…

Porn and Masturbation are not the enemy – Addiction is!

Think about this for a second. Is food the enemy of a food addict? Of course not. It is his addiction to food that his enemy. It is his overuse of a good thing that is his enemy. His compulsion to eat at every hour of the day is his enemy.

Men and Women’s brains work differently

If you were to take the brain from a deceased dead woman and a deceased dead man you might not be able to tell the difference from a quick glance. They might be similar in size and if you cut them open they would have all the same parts.

The difference in male and female brains is found more in things that cannot be seen from a simple physical examination. These differences are rather seen from observing nerve impulses and chemical differences between male and female brains.

So while both male and female brains have an amygdala and hypothalamus which play big roles in us enjoying food and sex, the chemical and nerve activity in these areas are very different in men and women when it comes to sex because of a hormone called Testosterone.

Even though testosterone is often associated with masculinity and estrogen is associated with femininity – men and women have both these hormones. But what makes a man a man and a woman a woman is all about proportion.

Men on average have 20 times more Testosterone than women! This is what makes men have more body hair, thicker skin and more muscle mass than women. But it also makes men think and perceive their world very differently than woman. Testosterone is what makes men think about and desire sex more than women.

Men and women have different sexual natures

While men and women both have sexual natures – the driving mechanisms of these natures are radically different. A woman’s sexual nature is intricately interwoven with her emotions. While a woman can have sex with no emotional connection, most women will receive little to no enjoyment from such an interaction.

A man on the other hand can very easily have pleasurable sex with a woman he just met and knows nothing about.

We see this in the Bible in the story of Isaac and Rebekah:

“And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.” – Genesis 24:67 (KJV)

In this story – Isaac has sent his servant off to get him a wife from his clan, and here his servant comes with a woman he has just met – they barely say two words(absolutely no time for emotional connection or getting to know one another) and he has her in his deceased mother’s tent having sex with her.

This is because a man’s sexual nature is primarily driven by his visual arousal and physical need to release his semen. Most men have a drive and a push to release their semen every couple days. For many men if they have gone as long as a week without a release this can become grueling and cause irritability (similar to a woman’s PMS symptoms).

These differences between the male and female sexual natures are by the design of God and neither is wrong. A man’s visual and physically based sex drive makes sure that married couples are regularly having sex – regardless of the emotional status of either party. A woman’s emotionally driven sex drive forces men to have to verbally and emotionally connect to have the best sexual experience possible.

Another way of saying this is – sometimes a man will just take sex no matter how it is, he just needs a physical release. But most men have a natural desire to strive for the “best” sexual experience they can with their wives – where their wives are emotionally and physically connected with them and enjoying sex as much as them. So they have to work to connect emotionally with their wife and put them in the mood. For these reasons God made the male and female sexual natures very different.

The Brain chemistry of Porn and Masturbation

Compulsive porn and masturbation habits are usually referred to as an addiction because of the chemical high that men get from looking at porn and masturbating.

When a man views porn his brain releases a hormone called dopamine – this a “reward” type of hormone that makes us feel a type of high.  But  dopamine gets a bad wrap in many anti-porn circles as if it is a bad hormone or as if it is related only to sex.  Others wrongly think that dopamine is only related to addictive behavior like drug use, alcohol use.

The truth is that we experience dopamine rushes in many pleasurable experiences in our lives.

When you first start dating someone you get a rush of dopamine every time they call, or every time you get a text from them or whenever you are about to meet them for a date.

When you watch your bride walk down that aisle towards you – you get a dopamine rush.

When you are thinking about your favorite dinner that your wife makes, and when you come in the door and smell it being cooked – you get a dopamine rush.

When you go into your bosses office to find out how much of a raise you are getting you get a dopamine rush.

When you are anticipating watching your favorite TV show or listening to your favorite music you get a dopamine rush.

When you proudly watch as your child graduates from high school or college, you get a dopamine rush.

You get the point – dopamine is not just about sex, or addiction.  It is a hormone that God gave us to help us enjoy life – to get pleasure from things in our lives.

So when you see all these articles attacking porn because of the dopamine rush it gives us – keep in mind that many other activities in our lives give us dopamine rush and you won’t here the anti-porn advocates criticizing those activities.

Men receive more physical pleasure from their sexuality than women

Men literally receive more physical pleasure from sexual arousal(viewing women), sexual intercourse and orgasms than women do.  While women also experience physical pleasure during sexual foreplay, sex and orgasms  they receive much more emotional pleasure from sex than men do.

For more detail on this see my post-  “Men and women experience orgasms differently”

Sex is a need, not just a want

Human beings, both men and women need sex. The way we approach sex as men and women may be very different, but sex is a need regardless.

Read more about this in my post “Sex is a need, not just a want”

Masturbation is given as a method of sexual release

I think very few people would argue masturbation is as sexually fulfilling as having sexual intercourse with a person you love in the act of marriage. But just as we mentioned above, most men would say that just having sexual intercourse with their wife(as in when she is not really in mood but just letting him do it) is not as good as when she is in the mood and there is a full emotional and physical connection.

But that does not mean lesser forms of sexual release between a husband and wife (such as just for physical release) or even masturbation are wrong.

God regulates the cleanup after masturbation in the book of Leviticus:

“16 ‘Now if a man has a seminal emission, he shall bathe all his body in water and be unclean until evening. 17 As for any garment or any leather on which there is seminal emission, it shall be washed with water and be unclean until evening.

18 If a man lies with a woman so that there is a seminal emission, they shall both bathe in water and be unclean until evening.

19 ‘When a woman has a discharge, if her discharge in her body is blood, she shall continue in her menstrual impurity for seven days; and whoever touches her shall be unclean until evening.” – Leviticus 15:16-19 (NASB)

There are three normal bodily functions described here. A man having an emission of semen by himself (which would cover masturbation or nocturnal emissions), a man having sex with his wife, and a woman having her period.

None of these things are considered sinful, they simply had regulations for the cleanup after these normal activities.

Are sexual arousal and sexual imagination (sexual fantasy) sinful for a Christian?

From a Christian perspective many Christians have been wrongly taught that viewing porn and masturbating are sins before God. This is a rather lengthy topic so I will just refer you to some articles that are dedicated to these subjects and examine this from a Scriptural perspective:

What does the Bible say about Lust?

Why Masturbation is not wrong for a Christian

To sum up what you will read in those posts Lust is not sexual arousal, it is not even sexual fantasy (sexual imagination) rather it is covetousness. Covetousness is the desire to actually take possession of something or someone that does not belong to you, or that you would have no right to try and possess.

For example, a young man who sees a single young lady is not coveting after her if he desires to date her, marry her and then have sex with her. Even though he does not yet possess her, the desire to possess her is pure and there is no sin in that. However if that same man looks at a married woman with the intent of possessing her either through an illicit affair or getting her to leave her husband for him then that is the very definition of covetousness (which is also lust).

But if this same man sees a married woman and is simply sexually aroused by her beauty, or even imagines her naked or has a sexual fantasy about her, but does not allow it to go into covetous thoughts there is no sin in this either. One of the ways a man can tell that his normal sexual arousal from a beautiful married woman has turned to covetousness is if he begins to flirt with her or tries to become emotionally intimate with her.

Why can’t men just stay away from Porn and Masturbation?

Many people wrongly reason that since we advise drug addicts and alcoholics to stay away from drugs and alcohol completely that we can and should take the same approach to men looking at porn and masturbation.

Staying away from Porn and masturbation is like going on a liquid diet. You can do it if you have to but you will eventually be miserable in the process. You might even learn to suppress that misery – you might tell yourself that you feel better now that you don’t look at porn or masturbate anymore.

You tell yourself you are better off for two reasons.

The first is you have been taught either from a religious perspective or even a secular feminist perspective that viewing porn is wrong so you feel an enormous sense of guilt after each time you view it and now that you no longer view porn or masturbate you don’t have to feel that post-porn viewing/masturbation guilt.

If you want to overcome the guilt of masturbation, and be able to enjoy masturbation as the gift God as given as part of your sexuality I suggest you read my article “How to overcome the guilt of masturbation”.

The second is because you are scared of that person you were – the man who sat in front of his computer for 8 hours at a time watching porn and masturbating and in the process you were wasting your life away.

But the truth is you are like the person who loses a spouse in death and feels guilty about wanting to be with someone else. So they suppress that desire to want another spouse or be with someone else, they keep themselves busy and direct all that sexual energy toward other things only to hide or suppress their natural sexual hunger.

If you are being honest with yourself – as a man you naturally desire to view the female form in all its wonderful varieties, you naturally think about sex and desire to have a sexual release (either through masturbation or sex with a woman). But while God restricts sexual relations with a woman to the covenant of marriage – he has given us the gift of masturbation as a way to experience and enjoy our sexuality before we are married and even while we are married as long as we use it properly and in balance.

So what is the answer to Porn and Masturbation addiction?

I think I have shown here that trying to get a man to stop receiving pleasure from viewing women(whether fully clothed live women) or nude women in pictures as well as masturbating is the equivalent of a food addict moving to a liquid diet. Yes we can do it but it simply suppresses the sexual hunger that God has put in us.  God did not mean for us to suppress our sexuality but rather to channel it in healthy ways that do not violate his Word.

The better way to handle porn and masturbation addiction is to treat it like food addiction.  It must be balanced and regulated. These are steps I recommend for overcoming porn and masturbation addiction:

Recognize that this is an imbalance in your life

The Bible says

“All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.” – I Corinthians 6:12 (KJV)

While God created our sexuality – including our natural ability to be sexually aroused, to sexually imagine and to masturbate he did not intend for us to spend all or most of our time doing these things. They were intended to be a “part” of our life, but not the “whole” of our life.

Set a reasonable amount of time each week to look at porn or masturbate

For each person this might be different. For younger men in their late teens or early 20’s they may need to masturbate daily. For older men it may only be a couple times a week. Set time limits for how long you will look at porn or other erotic material – set an alarm that goes off that tells you time is up.  This is similar to how a food addict must measure the portions of food they eat.

One way to know if you are looking at too much porn or masturbating too much is if you have little desire to do anything else but that. If you find yourself not wanting to read your Bible or talk about the things of God or engage in other hobbies or not doing things with your friends or spouse, not wanting to seek out a girlfriend(if you are single man) or not wanting to have sex with your wife(if you are a married man) then you may be looking at porn and masturbating too much.

Find an accountability partner

Find another man (do not use your wife for this as she will not understand this from a female point of view). Find a man who believes as you do that God does not call us to suppress our sexuality, but rather to channel it in healthy and measured ways. This way if you slip up one week and “binge” by looking at porn too much or masturbating too much you have someone to talk to.

When you slip up – get back up and start over again

After you have a binge day– confess your sin that you have allowed a lawful thing(viewing porn and masturbating) to gain power over you.  Resolve to get back in balance on this new day. Talk to your accountability partner and let them know too so they can pray for you.

Below are some links from another Christian site that talks more on the issues of Porn and how to distinguish between good porn and bad porn.

The difference between good porn and bad porn

Is “Christian Porn” an oxymoron?

Why Porn is not bad for Christians or anybody else

 

Sex is a need, not just a want

SexIsANeed

Do human beings need sex or just want sex? Some people believe that sex is nothing more than a desire or want.  After all – no one ever died from not having sex.

But the truth is there are many needs that we have as human beings that if they go unmet my not result in our death.

Most human beings need to be around other people.  If you were to take most people and remove them from all human contact it would eventually make them go crazy.

No one one would argue with that fact that women have the need to emotionally connect with their husbands.

But for some reason when it comes to sex – we somehow tend to set that aside as want, rather than a need.

I heard this saying about sex:

“While no one ever died from not having sex, many marriages have died from not having sex”.

What a true statement – let that sink in.

Human beings, both men and women need sex. The way we approach sex as men and women may be very different, but sex is a need regardless.

God identifies sex with the basic needs of food, clothing and shelter in Exodus 21:10-11:

“If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish. And if he do not these three unto her, then shall she go out free without money.” – Exodus 21:10-11 (KJV)

If you were wondering, the “duty of marriage” literally means “conjugal rights”, or right to sex. The only people who do not have a need for sex are those whom God has given the gift of celibacy for his service (like the Apostle Paul).

God reiterates this fact in I Corinthians and makes sure we know that obviously sex is a need not just for women, but also for men:

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

I Corinthians 7:3-5 (KJV)

The one exception to sex being a need is if a man or woman is given the gift of celibacy as opposed to the gift of sex.

Conclusion

Christian husband do you see giving your wife sex as something that is just as important as making sure she is feed and clothed?

Christian wife do see that your husband needs sex with you as much as he needs food? If God calls sex a need, then we ought to regard it as such.

Men and women experience orgasms differently

WomanHavingOrgasm

Men and women both have a dopamine rush during sexual foreplay – this makes them both more sensitive to touch.  Dopamine during sexual foreplay basically turns your whole body into a sexual pleasure zone, with certain erogenous zones being the most sensitive(like the genital region).

Men and women both release more dopamine, then the hormones oxytocin, prolactin and serotonin during their orgasms.  The combination of this rush of chemicals is what gives us a high similar to that which a cocaine or heroine addict gets when they do a hit.

Here is a summary of what these hormones do in our brain:

Dopamine – Gives us feelings of pleasure(makes us more sensitive to touch)

Oxytocin – Makes us want to cuddle and also blocks pain

Prolactin – Calms us and relaxes us

Serotonin – Makes us happy

But here is the difference between men and women during orgasm

While men and women both release all four of these hormones during sexual arousal, sex and then orgasm – they do so in very different proportions.  Men release far more dopamine during arousal, intercourse and orgasm than women do.

Estrogen actually helps increase the effects of oxytocin while testosterone tends to decrease it’s effects.  This is why women(who have more estrogen and less testosterone) get more cuddly after sex and actually can get much more emotional after sex than men typically do.

While men also release oxytocin during orgasm, because they have more testosterone and less estrogen the oxytocin has much less of an effect on men than it does on women.

On the other hand, men receive much more dopamine from viewing women as well as during sex and orgasms than women do.  This makes sex much more physically pleasurable for man.

When a man sees a beautiful woman live and in person, when he catches a glimpse of her cleavage, or her shirt reveals the small of her back or when a man sees a woman naked(whether live or in a picture) his brain gives him a rush of dopamine.

Conclusion

Both men and women enjoy sex emotionally and physically.  Both men and women release the same brain chemicals during sexual foreplay, intercourse and then in their orgasms.

But for men sex is more physically pleasurable than emotionally pleasurable and for women sex is more emotionally pleasurable than physically pleasurable.

Below are links to further reading on this subject:

Sex: Why it makes women fall in love – but just makes men want MORE!

The Science of Orgasms

 

My change on images of unmarried couples having sex

I have made it clear on this site in several places that I hold to the Biblical belief that sexual relations between a man and woman is strictly reserved for marriage.

The Bible says:

“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.”

The Bible places sexual relations between a man and woman into one of three categories – marriage, whore-mongering or adultery.  There is no fourth acceptable category of sexual relations between persons who are “in a loving and committed relationship” as so many Christians wrongly believe today.

But if you have read some posts on this site where I talk about masturbation and erotica you will know that I do not believe it is wrong for a Christian to enjoy viewing images of sex.  The only things I believed were wrong to view was homosexual sex, group sex, underage minors, bestiality, rape or violent types of sex and unmarried couples having sex.

The reason I believed it was wrong to view pictures or videos of unmarried people having sex was because I felt I was taking pleasure in their fornication.

But after reading the post below from RestoringChristianSexuality.com, and prayerfully looking at the evidence he presents I came to the same conclusion he did.

What we are seeing when we see a man and woman have sex in some photo or movie is NOT an actual man and woman having sex.

I know that you are scratching your head right now.   But hear me out.

What you are viewing when view such sexual imagery is just that  – imagery!.  It is an image or depiction of a man and woman having sex. Before the days of photography artists had to capture these kinds of things in their mind and spend many hours or even days and weeks painting or sculpting these things.  So in the sense of sexual imagery yes sometimes the “artist’s inspiration” may have been an unmarried man and woman having sex. But once the image has been made it is just that – an imagination put to paper, or canvas or film or a digital file.

Today they are doing fascinating things with computerized photo programs. Graphic artists are literally “painting” with pixels in a file.  Some of these portraits of actors and others you could not tell are a graphic painting they are done so well.

My point is while we would love it if all the “inspirations” for the photos and movies out there with sexual imagery were in fact of married couples having sex this is simply not the world we live in.  But we don’t have to play this “guilt by association” game that Christians so often play.

When we appreciate and are aroused by the images of a man and woman  having sex we are not taking pleasure in fornication but rather we are taking pleasure in imagery of heterosexual sex between a man and woman.  We are designed by God to do so.

But this does not mean we are advocating for or condoning sex between unmarried couples.

See these two posts from RestoringChristianSexuality.com – I hope all my readers will look at these with an open mind and open heart.

Why I will now allow pictures of unmarried couples having sex

The difference between Good and Bad Porn

Why Porn is not bad for Christians or anybody else